Post # 1
My fiancé sucks at finances. Anything to do with it. When we first got together he had major credit issues and we worked hard to get over a lot of that. Once I knew he wasn’t going to just some guy and I really want to be with him forever I even paid off all of his debt just so he would get in better standing financially. After all I do want a house some day and I want it with him. And then he really wanted rims on his car and like a dumby I couldn’t say no so I lent him the money. Everything that I paid off he wanted me to keep track of so he could pay me back. Long story short I spent about 10 grand and he really isn’t paying me back. I don’t feel like he cares to pay me back and he is so bad with money that I don’t even know that he really knows how to. I have been trying so hard to teach him, and get him on his feet with this but I am at my wits end.
I don’t know what to do to make him see that being financially irresponsible can really be detrimental to a relationship and a marriage. I don’t want to go through life always worrying about money because he just can’t get his spending under control.
Post # 3
Okay this may sound blunt but I’m giving you my honest opinion – I just don’t see how any self respecting man (or woman) can accept money from his girl or boyfriend. I can’t believe you paid off his debt and then he had the nerve to come to you for MORE money to buy rims for his car! He has a LOT of growing up to do. If I were you, I’d get him to sign a note acknowledging he owes you this money and agreeing to a very generous payment plan starting NOW! Don’t forgive the debt – that’s totally unfair to you. Also, do NOT loan him any more money! You’re not his mother and he shouldn’t be depending on you for that.
I will tell you this – my first husband could never get it together financially. Never. I always thought/hoped he’d grow up and become responsible but it never happened. He made one dumb, irresponsible choice after another and it contributed enormously to the failure of our marriage. I resented him because he couldn’t be responsible and he resented me for wanting him to be responsible. Its a recipe for disaster so proceed with tremendous caution. You don’t want to spend your life trying to build and have something only to have him constantly making it impossible.
Post # 4
You can’t make him see or do anything.
It’s up to you whether you want an equal partner, something he clearly can’t give you , or be his surrogate mother,
You could encourage him to take a course in personal finance, most community colleges have it. But, you can’t make him “see” anything. He is who he is.
Once you’re married, you’ll be stuck managing the money & dealing with him being an irresponsible child. It’s up to you if you can put up with it.
Big problems don’t magically go away when you get married-they get magnified.
Right now, you are being his enabler.
Post # 5
If you’re getting married, I don’t see how him paying you back makes any sense unless you keep all your accounts completely separate? Otherwise wouldn’t he just be paying you with the money that belongs to both of you anyway?
Post # 6
I really respect that. Thank you.
I know how bad it can be to have marriage troubled by money. My parents were that way and it really tore us apart. His family has always had enough and money was never really an issue which is part of the reason why I think he has no clue what to do.
I know it was a horrible decision to lend it to him. I wish I could go back in time and not do it.
I know it is not something that I want to have to deal with for the rest of my life, but I also really want to spend the rest of my life with him. I know that may sound ridiculous but it is true…
Post # 7
You are right. Logically I know this… It is just hard when emotions get tossed in too. I will definitely suggest a personal finance course.
He does say that he wants to pay me back, and he does in very small amounts. I just don’t think that he knows what he is doing. I think a personal finance class might really help. Thanks!
Post # 8
I would have a very serious conversation about your concerns. I have known quite a few couples who were “perfect” for eachother, but just couldnt make it work because of financial issues.
I think this is something that needs to be worked on before a wedding can take place. If you are serious about being with him, he needs to know that this could be a possible deal-breaker for you.
Best of luck!!!
Post # 9
@figment:I don’t think necessarily that “paying her back” is about just getting her money back. If they got married it would all become “ours” anyway. I think paying her back would prove that he can responsibly handle money.
Post # 11
@gcwest: I agree…at this point there is no “paying back”. But it would be good to set some sort of saving goal. I would really just sit down and make a grown up budget and then stick to it. It may be hard for your relationship at first but it will save you many fights in the long run.
Post # 12
Sorry babe but it sounds like he got a sweet deal. His sweet SO paid off all his debt AND bought him presents? It may not be that way, but it SOUNDS that way. It sounds kind mooch-y =(.
And yes, i’d want “my” money back, too. Darling Husband and I run our finances the same way with the joint/our accounts. Sometimes i borrow a $50 from him if i don’t have cash. I always give it back–it’s about being respectful of the other person’s money when you aren’t fully combined.
I think you need to talk to him about setting up a payment plan. It’s going to take awhile, but it’s a valuable lesson to learn. If he doesn’t, money will always be your crux and it’s such a problem in marriages.
Post # 13
I loaned my Fiance about 1500 for the entrance fee for a professional test. When we got engaged I “forgave” the date because there will be no “mine” or “his” only “ours”… so what is the point of making him “pay me back?”
Here is the difference…. He needed money for a super valid reason (professional test that will help his career), didn’t have it for a valid reason (as it turns out, he was saving to buy me a ring), and he is generally very responsible with money.
Forget the money you lent him, quite honestly, if he is that bad with money I wouldn’t marry him. Not now. How could you ever trust that you’ll have a stable future with someone that very well might put you into financial ruin? Let alone doesn’t have the self-respect to pay his own way in life.
Post # 14
this may not be what you want to hear, but you might just have to manage the money in the relationship… my fi is kinda like that too… although he isnt in debt… he is just an impulse spender and he forgets to pay bills and is just not as responsible as i would like. for as long as weve lived together (1.5 yrs) i have handled all of our bills. we have seperate bank accounts but we do plan to get a joint one as well to use for bills and savings etc. right now i just calculate what he owes me (we split everything down the middle) and he pays me at the beginning of the month, end of story, we also put money into a savings acct every week and then whatever is left is his to spend how he likes 🙂
Post # 15
@peacegrl099: You know, if I were you I think I might ask my bf to take out a loan to pay me back. Seriously. Right now he’s paying you small amounts in dribs and drabs whenever he feels like it and eventually, when enough time goes by he won’t even do that or he will just resent the fact that he still owes you (or that you expect to be repaid) when he wants to buy other stuff. Don’t put yourself in a position to get burned. Ten grand is a huge amount of money and he won’t understand or respect that until he’s actually on the hook for it. He needs to be responsible for his own debt and this way, you won’t have to resent him owing you money. Consider it.
Post # 16
First off – I’d never lend an SO (or anyone) that kind of cash. Especially with just a verbal contract to pay it back (which holds no water). But what’s done is done.
At this point, what point is there in him paying it back. You’re about to get married. What’s yours is his and what’s his is yours. It’s all about to become one pot anyway.