Post # 1
Bees I really need your help! I’m so broken right now. My fiance has been exhibiting signs of panic disorder…its been going on for a year or two (very very mild) but this past couple months has gotten the worse its ever been – i don’t even know how to support him when he lashes at me and blames me for it. So for the long post…
He was finally properly diagnosed with panic disorder today and called me to tell me he didn’t want to have anything to do with me right now as I am the cause of the panic and stress. He has gone through some serious life issues (moving accross the country, new jobs, mother-in-law/family issues, cancelled wedding and now re-planning a wedding, house fire, car accident) its been a series of unfortunate events building up and up. I have done my research on the disorder and he fits the sympotms to a T. We have been to the ER for numerous medical issues that turned out to be nothing. Just last week he was diagnoised with an ear infection/sinus infection which was treated with antiobiotics but during that time he experienced symptoms not normal to ear/sinus infections and went into a panic. He told me last week hes afraid to travel outside of the city limits for fear of something happening…our venue is outside of our city limits and he refuses to travel out there.
I love my fiance very much and want to stick with him through thick and thin but he isn’t the best communicator and tends to keep things in and constantly thinking (he was raised to believe that communicating was wrong) so I feel this will just get worse before it gets better. On top of that he blames me for all problems and stresses related to the wedding and his life. I believe in my heart I am not the cause although I’m sure I have stressed him out many times but there are other factors, his inability to be decisive and communicate his feelings and handle stress.
I just don’t know what to do, should I give him his space? or just leave him? Obviously me being in the picture isn’t helping. Any advice would be much appreciated. I expressed to him he should go seek treatment from a psychiatrist but he will not go for that…i want him to realize whether i’m in the picture or not his panic disorder won’t go away with me gone or on his own. Thanks so much for any advice.
Post # 3
He needs to see a therapist and be put on medication. That’s really the only way he’s going to get through it and learn how to deal with it. If he refuses to see a physychiatrist, who diagnosed him with this? If it was a family doctor, they should have given him some medication.
Post # 4
He needs to see a therapist, and preferably go to a support group for other people suffering from this disorder. Until people with panic/anxiety disorders learn how to manage them and meet other people going through the same thing, it’s very difficult for them to deal with, so they take it out on others and try and blame them for these feelings they can’t understand.
If you can convince him to go with you to a support group that would be a good first step. My ex had General Anxiety Disorder and when he finally went to a group, it was a huge breakthrough for him because up until that point, he felt very alone, like nobody else would understand what he was going through. That was when he finally started to “own” his disorder and sought professional help.
Post # 5
thank-you! He is very stubborn and believes no one should ever see him with a problem…but I will run the group therapy session by him and see how he takes it. The dr did perscribe him xanax but he doesn’t feel comfortable taking it. I can tell dealing with a stubborn and panicy person is going to make this extra hard.
Post # 6
Look up the linden method. It helped my brother.
Post # 7
communication and understanding are KEY. please seek out a counselor and a support group. if you’re any bit religous or spiritual, a church fellowship group would also be helpful. my heart goes out to you.
i’m concerned about how he “lashes out”. if he hurts you physically or emotionally please leave. a fiance or husband needs to act lovingly toward you. you deserve to be treated well, loved, and respected.
Post # 8
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
He needs to be on some strong anti-anxiety medication. He also should seek therapy to learn coping skills.
Post # 9
Wow, tough situation! I think you can’t be expected to stay with him if he’s not willing to get help for himself (help in this case meaning both therapy and taking whatever meds are prescribed to him). I admire your desire to stay with him through thick and thin, but you deserve to be with someone who values you as much as you value him. For that matter, he should value his OWN life enough to get help. Behavioral/psychological disorders like this don’t just “get better” over time. The only way they get better (unless his brain chemistry changes, but I would not count on that happening, at least not in the near future) is through a lot of hard work, therapy, and frequently, medication. It sounds like right now, he is using you as a scapegoat for his problems. If you are invested in this relationship and he agrees to see a therapist/psychologist and give meds a try, I’d recommend taking a break from your relationship so that he cannot continue to use you as a scapegoat for his problems. If he doesn’t agree to therapy, I would split up completely. You should do some soul-searching to think about how long, realistically, you would be willing to wait for him to work on himself if he chooses to go the therapy route. Don’t lose sight of your own needs in this situation.
Post # 10
If all he has is Xanax, he isn’t seeing the right doctor. Xanax is quite addictive, and should only be used short-term, for a particularly stressful situation. If he needs longer term medication, he should get something like Klonopin. I would suggest that he see a psychiatrist, not a general practitioner, for any long-term medication.
In any event, if he is blaming you for all his stress, he needs to get therapy as well as medications. If it really is that stressful for him being with you, then maybe your relationship will end. But if he’s using you as a scapegoat, he needs to get a better idea of what is actually causing the stress, instead of taking it out on you.
In either event, if he refuses to get treatment and takes his issues out on you, you’re going to need to reevaluate the relationship. You can’t force him to get treatment, and you should not be bearing the brunt of his condition.
Post # 11
thanku all for your advice. I’m giving him so space as he evaluates what he wants to do. It may be our end 🙁 but I don’t want to just leave him like this, then I look like the bad guy.
Post # 12
My mother has panic disorder. My 24 year old brother has begun to have panick attacks and since becoming engaged, I’ve had two. For me, it’s all about insight into why i have them. They tend to happen when I’m ill, or in pain, or when I’m away from home and stressed out.
The two I recently had, one was while I was experiencing a very painful and aweful bout with food poisoning and the other while I was in mexico, planning our wedding and all the details began to pile up on me.
Now that I know what it’s like and what triggers them. I can usually feel them coming on, and I can do things and not do things to make things better for myself and not worse.
I hope I dont’ end up like my mother, who has them several times per month. But I know what I can do for myself. I can see a doctor, and get treatment. Now that your fiance’ has a diagnosis, all you can do is hope that the impending treatment will bring improvement.
Dont’ freak out right now. Hopefully you have some time until the wedding for him to get more stable and to work out these problems. Because it’s not fair for you to be blamed for his condition, or for him to be pushing you away like this. I would give him some time alone and have a serious talk about the future.
Post # 13
It sounds like it’s time to give him an ultimatum. Either he wants marriage or doesn’t. If he does, he needs to see a therapist & make the effort to overcome whatever emotional or mood problems he seems to be having. Otherwise, you need to consider moving on. What would you tell a friend going through the same situation? You don’t deserve to be verbally abused (yes, that’s what he’s doing) & treated like crap by anyone, let alone a future spouse.
I dated a bipolar guy for almost three years. He started out claiming it was anxiety, but this quickly turned into verbal abuse & constantly using his illness (and past) as an excuse for why he couldn’t treat me decently or set any sort of goals, all while refusing to be treated. Dropped that dude like a hot potato. I look back & wonder how I could have ever let someone so inconsiderate & selfish be a part of my life.
Don’t let a panic disorder excuse him from being a decent human being. You won’t look like a bad guy for leaving someone who has treated you poorly & made no effort to change. Don’t you worry about that!
Good luck! My heart goes out to you.