Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for two years and we are getting married two weeks from now. I have gained 30 pounds since we first met. I am not happy with how I look. I want to lose weight, I am just having serious struggles with self-discipline. Like very serious issues. I know that I need to lose weight.
My fiance has been saying a lot lately that we should do P90 X together. I do not think that I am in nearly good enough shape to do it. I am a graduate student and don’t really have the time to do 1 1/2 hours of daily exercise either. I have suggested we do other work outs together. He has said multiple times that he thinks we should lose weight together.
Well… three nights ago he brought it up again. I told him that he had been saying things like that a lot and that it felt like it was targeted only at me. He said that it is because he has lot weight and is working on things, while I am not (he only ways about 5 pounds more than what he did when we met now and runs 3 miles maybe once a week). I have a very unhealthy addiction to fast food. I crave it constantly. It needs to be fixed. He told me that he did not want me to eat fast food anymore. I was upset and crying at this point in the conversation, but was taking it seriously and told him that I would go work out and eat healthy.
I told him that I was struggling with self-discipline and self-control and that I needed his help to work as my “coach”. He told me that he thought that I should just do it on my own and that he didn’t think that he should have to “nag” me. I was pretty upset… I just wanted him to tell me that he still loves me even though that I have gained a lot of weight. So I asked him if he would still want to marry me if he knew that I would be this weight for the rest of my life. I just wanted to know I was loved unconditionally. He responded by saying that I don’t look cute anymore. He said that I can’t look good in clothes anymore like dresses, skirts, shorts, etc. I was devastated. I left and went to a friends house to get some comfort. I talked to my friend about it and we set some health goals for me. Then the next day I went on my bachelorette party.
I don’t feel like I can eat because I’m so upset. I don’t know if this is a huge red flag. I have dated guys before that tore me down and made me feel like crap. I don’t want to be in that situation again. I want to feel good about myself. I don’t want to feel like my SO doesn’t find me attractive. I’m just so devastated.
Please help me figure out what to do. I also could really use some help with deciding if I am overreacting or not. I definitely know that I have a tendency to take things to personnally, but this just felt like he was telling me that he wouldn’t love me anymore if I was fat. It was crushing.
Post # 3
It’s a red flag to me. What if you have a baby and have trouble losing the baby weight? What if you get an illness that causes weight gain or requires meds that do? I get that men are visual, but loving you or not loving you based on an arbitrary number is a big deal to me. Him saying you don’t look cute anymore is a big deal to me. I can’t believe you’re getting married in two weeks to someone saying these things.
Post # 4
You are definitely not overreating. I can relate, I have also gained 30 pounds since my fiance and I met. He also gained about 15 since we met. We both have talked about wanting to lose weight, and both have lost about 10 pounds. We’re kind of stuck at this mark. I can’t fit into most of my jeans and shorts, so I’m ALWAYS wearing yoga pants. He’s commented that he misses seeing me in jeans. He does compliment me though, still tells me I’m beautiful, yada yada yada, but I know that he has noticed my weight gain. He to has mentioned doing P90X together and dieting together. Just the mention of that tells me he notices my weight gain and doesn’t like it. Your man should love you the way you are and ENCOURAGE you, not discourage! Do not cut yourself from fast food and things like that all together, but set a limit that you will cut down half of what you eat now and incorporate something new and healthier. You need to be happy with the way you look, too! That’s most important!!
Post # 5
To me, it sounds a lot like he just cares about your health and appearance. He’s been encouraging you to work out with him, and trying to get you to eat less fatty foods – that’s exactly what I do with my husband! Diabetes is rampant in my husband’s family, so I’m always pushing him to not get takeaway, to come for a jog with me, because we’re both overweight and I would like us to work on it together. It really seems to me like that’s what your fiance is thinking, too.
It would be a red flag, for me, if he said he wanted to call off the relationship or said that he didn’t love you anymore because you’ve put on weight, but it sounds as though he is just concerned for your health (would you rather he let you keep eating and not exercising forever – is that more loving?).
As for him saying you don’t look “cute” anymore – you were asking him what he thought and he answered. To be honest, I think you need to cut him some slack and not be so sensitive about your weight – you said yourself that you feel that you’re overweight and unattractive, so I can understand that you would take it personally when he keeps encouraging you to lose weight, but it’s not necessarily because he doesn’t love you, or thinks you’re ugly now.
Post # 6
- Wedding: August 2019 - Italy
I went through this situation too. And it is completely devastating.
And it’s taken about 2 years of him hinting and me being upset for me to realise that he works out all the time to look good for me (and boy, does he look good!) and it must be hard for him to make all of that effort and trying to encourage me to be fit and healthy (not thin!) and see me just sitting around eating whatever and making excuses.
I used to get really offended and worry those same things, like he should love me unconditionally and it shouldn’t be about looks but I realised at the end of the day that if even I didn’t like the way I looked and I didn’t love myself unconditionally then how could I expect him to? He was just trying to help me be happy. He knew I was depressed with the way that I looked and he was just trying to cut the crap and get me on track.
I would be happier which would make him happier and then of course WE would be happier.
Does that make sense?
I know it’s hard to hear it but you have already stated that you know it needs to change, so let him help you. I promise that he is not trying to be mean and he loves you completely. It’s not an easy thing to say to your partner, try to understand his point of view!
I hope this helps x
Chin up and soldier on girl!
Post # 7
Hmmm, this is a tough one. I too am at least 30 lbs. overweight (though I was this way when Fiance and I first got together, haven’t lost but haven’t gained either). FI and I are sort of open about me being uncomfortable with my weight. He got me a gym membership, we have a goal to do a 10 mile run together, he will (because I asked him to) make me feel a little guilty if I’m having too much junk food like mac & cheese or pizza or soda.
However, he has always said that he likes the way I look, and more wants to make sure that I’m always healthy than always thin. When I talk about how much weight I want to lose, he says not to lose too much because he likes that I have curves etc.
I think that it is ok for your Fiance to take interest in your losing weight. I think the P90x was a great suggestion. Maybe you’re not in that kind of shape now, but maybe you could work up to it. However, I think your Fiance crossed a line by saying that you don’t look good at all anymore instead of reassuring you that he loved you as you are. I think you should try to discuss this with him. If you are indeed overweight, own it, and if you want to lose weight (for you!) then ask for his help to lose it. However, make sure that his feelings toward you are not tied to what you look like – because you guys are getting married. You’re possibly going to get pregnant, you’re going to get older, you’re not always going to look like the 20s and 30s version of you and that should be ok.
Post # 8
@LadyElva: The thing is that I was taking his point when he said that I should eat healthier and exercise. I told him I would do it. I asked him for his help and encouragement. He didn’t agree to do that. Then I just was asking for him to tell me that he still wanted to marry me and still loved me. I did not ask him if her thought I was attractive or cute. He didn’t answer if he still wanted to marry me. Instead, he went off on how unattractive I am. That is what is so unsettling.
Post # 9
So I’m not saying that he handled this well but it sounds like he has been trying to help you with this and is disappointed that you aren’t taking care of yourself. And two weeks from the wedding I’m betting tensions are pretty high as it is. I think you need to have another conversation with him. One that starts with “I am going to start taking better care of myself. But you are my partner. The one who is supposed to lend me his strength and know that I’ll be there to hold him up when it fails him. I know my weight bothers you but I do need your help with this. Because self-discipline is a weakness of mine. (Side note how are you a grad student with poor self-discipline?) I need you to step up because this is only round one and we have a life planned together.”
And it SUCKS to give up something you are psychologically addicted do. I know. I went from drinking 3 sodas a day to quitting cold turkey. It’s been 13 weeks and I still crave it horribly. But I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet. Fiance has but he keeps trying. And I think that is really all your Fiance can ask of you.
Post # 10
@sweet5k: That’s what was so concerning to me. I asked for his help and he did not agree to help me. Then he told me I was unattractive. When I went to talk to my friend for help I told her that I kind of understood. I told her that if he was 400 pounds (I definitely don’t weight that much) I would be concerned and try to encourage him to lose weight. I told her that I would be conerned that it would affect his health, our ability to do things together, etc. She just pointed out that none of my concerns were about his attractiveness. Obviously that’s part of every relationship, but it hurts that that is why he is concerned.
Post # 11
Although I think he could have handled this a lot better, it seems like he really just doesn’t want to nag you to take care of your health, and wants to you to care more. And maybe he feels like he’s been trying to tell you for awhile, but habits haven’t changed and he doesn’t know what to do anymore– hence the part about how he doesn’t want to nag you and be the bad guy. It shouldnt be about appearance, but it should be about life quality and health.
Post # 12
@NoOneYouExpect: I do want to try. I really, really do. Especially after that conversation. The attractiveness part is what really hurt. I had already told him that I would work on it and that I needed his support and that was his response to it. It hurts so bad. And I have self-discipline for other things. I just unfortunately use fried foods as comfort foods to try to help cope with the stress of my PhD program. 🙁
Post # 13
@tampalove35: I agree. I just don’t know how to be around him anymore when I know that he thinks I am unattractive. :/
Post # 14
I think he’s just trying to let you know that he thinks you could work on it and make some improvements… Guys don’t always say things in the most sensitive way, but I don’t think he meant to hurt you. If you’re getting married, you should be able to have open conversations with your parter and tell them if you think they’re in an unhealthy pattern or need to work on improving their health. It’s never fun or easy to hear, but i wouldn’t leave him for it. It would be different if you were trying and he was getting on your case, but if you’re eating out a lot and not working out, then it sounds like he’s just trying to motivate you.
Saying you don’t look cute anymore in skirts etc is kind of harsh and would definitely hurt my feelings, but if it were me, I think I would almost need to hear that to get the motivation to work out. If he told me I’d gained weight but he was 110% fine with it, I’d probably not be all that motivated to lose it.
Just my thoughts
Post # 15
Yikes. I dunno, this would not be ok with me. I think he should love you and support you at any weight, and it’s really troubling that he didn’t respond to your question “would you want to marry me if I were this weight for the rest of my life” with anything but more criticism.
Weight is always a VERY touchy subject–I would not ever be ok with my SO bringing it up, frankly–but I could maybe understand it if he came at it from a supportive, “I want to be healthy together!” angle. The fact that he is not willing to support you, that he is criticizing you, and that he wasn’t able to reassure you of his love when you needed it does not sit well with me at all.
ETA: Do you feel emotionally supported by him in other aspects of your life? I ask because I have a history of disordered eating, and for me what fueled my various food addictions/obsessions was that I did not have satisfying/loving relationships. Is it possible that your fast food addiction stems from not feeling fully loved and supported by your SO? It could also be related to wedding stress, but that was just a thought I had. Good luck! I really hope that you aren’t being too hard on yourself through all this. You are going through a difficult/stressful time, and I am sure you are beautiful at any size.
Post # 16
@bailey12: Don’t take this the wrong way but i think he has been trying to encourage you but since it’s been awhile of him doing that and you haven’t chosen to do anything it probably now feels like nagging to him and he may be thinking you need to want to help yourself before he can help you. He’s definitley gone about this the wrong way, but i think he has good intentions.
Exercise is extremely addictive – and it only takes small changes to have a big affect. even if you started with walking for an hour every day, and eliminate one of your bad habits at a time- maybe start with soda, decide not to drink soda and only drink water for a fortnight, if you do this while your exercising you will prob start to see results quite quickly and then it will encourage you to keep going to get results, once you feel you’ve nailed eliminating one thing, move onto another – you’ll be surprised how quickly you gain momentum
Good luck, you can do it! Check back here regularly – the bee is a great support system 🙂