(Closed) My Fiance Thinks I Am Fat

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
5398 posts
Bee Keeper

I don’t know. I think your partner should 100% love you regardless of your weight and tell you you’re beautiful and when you asked him about still marrying you, he should have said you’re ridiculous for even asking. 

However, I can see how it would be really frustrating to have a partner who didn’t seem to want to take care of him/herself and ate fast food all the time and didn’t work out. I admit I have gained 20 pounds due to health problems, but the key is that it has nothing to do with my diet or lack of willpower. I eat very, very healthy. So while I can certainly sympathize with how you feel, I’m sure he is frustrated that you seem to have some self-destructive behaviors. You say yourself that you have serious issues with self discipline, and I’m guessing that is the part that bothers him so much. To him it reads like lack of effort/concern. 

Post # 18
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@bailey12:  I think he cares about you. That’s why he’s been trying to support you and help you. When it comes to weight loss, a person who stands beside you and enables you to continue to destroy your body is just as harmful as the damage you’re doing to your body. 

Perhaps working with a nutritionist and a personal trainer will help you to meet your goal. I work out and I run. I personally steer clear of anyone who says “Ooh TaurianDoll, I need to work out with you so you can motivate me (or)…so you can coach me.” There are trainers for that. Some people are barely able to motivate themselves. To carry someone else is asking a lot. He’s doing what he can albeit not expressing it in the nicest way. 

Post # 19
Member
363 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@bailey12:  Honestly if my Fiance gained 30lbs I wouldn’t find him as attractive. That wouldn’t stop me from loving him though. I don’t think your Fiance meant he didn’t love you or want to be with you anymore. He just sounds frustrated. And I do get stress eating. By which I mean I have a three pound bag of M&Ms I intend to consume the entirety of before finals week is over. Whatever you decide is right course of action for you, I wish you the best of luck.

Post # 21
Member
5217 posts
Bee Keeper

There was a thread recently about something very similiar, and my thoughts on this issue are always going to be the same.

 

30 pounds of weight in the span of 2 years is extremely unhealthy. I am very sorry that he said those things about being more unattracted to you. That must have been very hurtful to hear. However; I do not think his reasoning was unfounded or that it is a red flag. Your health is a huge part of YOU, and he is marrying YOU in 2 short months. It sounds like he has been trying to take the subtle route ( with suggesting P90x), but that it has fallen on deaf ears.

 

Honestly, the fast food addiction is what is a red flag to me in all of this. I would highly encourage you to, number one, have a very frank and honest conversation with yourself about how you want to continue with your eating habits. Evaluate if you have an unhealthy relationship with food, because losing weight for him is not going to be an approach that will produce long term results. YOU have to want this change. Until then, it will just be hurt feelings and resentment.

 

 

 

Post # 22
Member
3823 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@bailey12:  maybe you can do the couch to 5k program. it will not take an hour and it provides a regimented goal based workout plan to get you outside and moving several days a week. 

just know that no matter what, you will NOT lose weight by working out for 15 minutes a day. it takes discipline, work, and continuity. i think you should reconsider your personal schedule and try to dedicate 1 hr to working out 4 days a week…even if it means waking up 1 hr earlier.

Post # 23
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@bailey12:  You poor thing! I know it’s hard, but I would seriously think about whether you want to be with him…forever. I like how my fiance handles things with me. He is a much bigger exercise buff — and I know I have to get moving more. He invites me to go for walks, but he has never once made a comment about me looking unattractive. I should add though, that he does make rude remarks about very obese people, and I always correct him and tell him that it’s not nice. Unfortunately, I think a lot of men think it’s okay to make disparaging remarks about overweight people.

Post # 24
Member
680 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@bailey12:  I’m currently doing Jillian Michaels ripped in 30 – it’s only 25 mins a day for 30 days, i would highly recommend it. it’s hard, but you get amazing results, and she gives an easier option for beginners.

Post # 25
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@EmilyBelle:  I agree with this.

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@Mrs_Amanda:  I think this is good advice. weight is always a tricky subject.

What he might be seeing is, that you are making promises and not following through. no one can lose weight eatng fast food (except the famous Jared Subway diet, haha).

i have recently gained a little weight so I sympathize. I have changed eating habits and it is not easy… at all. while I understand wanting him to be attracted to you no matter what… Most men would prefer you lose weight. They just might not tell you. I see this one from both ways.

BUT the fact is, this isn’t a matter of personal preference. You will be happier and healthier if you lose weight. he is right whether you want to hear it or not. So no matter what it takes you have to find it in yourself. 

People enter rehab for addictions. If you truly feel addicted you might need help. Weight watchers online or a pre packaged food plan.

i do the 30 day shred video from Jillian michaels. It is under 30 minutes and it works.

Good luck and please keep us posted.

 

Post # 26
Member
462 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

I’m in the opposite situation. My fiance has gained 50lbs since we first met (due to my good cooking and us sharing a car unlike before he biked and walked everywhere), and compared to the average American man, he has a little pudge, nothing too bad right now, but I’m really underweight (and can’t gain weight, some genetic issue) and for him to be over twice my weight is a little much. And it really concerns me that his father and grandfather are severely overweight.

He also wants to lose weight for the wedding, and I really want him to also. He’s a very bad couch potato, always on his laptop. And has a soda addiction (Coca-Cola). Luckily, he’s now drinking low calorie soda and only drinks Coke when we go out now.

Sometimes I make very demeaning comments to him about his weight, more as a push to get him to lose weight, not so much that I am sincere about what I am saying. Maybe your fiance is also telling you what he’s telling you as more of a push, not necessarily because he truly believes that.

I’m trying to get him to go on walks with me and exercise, but it’s really hard to get him out of being a couch potato….

Post # 27
Member
823 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@bailey12:  OP, I am going to be honest. I think weight gain and issues like this are situational. I have gotten on Fiance because he has gained nearly 30 pounds in the two years we’ve been together and it shows. Luckily, he has gotten serious about losing weight for the wedding and is already seeing results and I am so proud of him. I love him no matter his weight and it hasn’t affected my attraction to him but I do care, mostly for health reasons. If I am going to commit to marriage, my Fiance knows living a healthy lifestyle is important to me because I want him around for as long as possible. 

I also think it’s unrealistic to say that significant weight gain shouldn’t matter to an SO. Yes, your Fiance should love you no matter what, but physically I am sure you do look different. I also think again that it’s situational. If it was baby weight, he should understand and be more supportive. However, gaining 30 pounds due to fast food and unhealthy eating habits is a concern and should be talked about. I don’t think your Fiance is a horrible person for admitting that you look different than when you first got together, especially because it’s something you could have helped (unlike baby weight). 

I don’t say these things to be mean, but because you asked for honesty. The only way you are going to lose this weight is by making it priority. You just have to do it. It’s going to be hard and it’s going to suck. But you have to find the willpower to say no to fast food even when you really want it and make healthy eating choices. Everyone has 20 minutes a day to work out, no matter who they are. The only way to make the change is to just do it and be consistent. 

I know you can do this. And while your Fiance could have been more sensitive, don’t take this as a red flag. It was extremely frustrating for me, to listen to my own Fiance complain about his weight gain, and then watch him continue to eat junk food and skip the gym instead of just doing something about it like he kept saying he would. He finally made the commitment, and now sticks to healthy food and works out at least 3 times a week and it’s working. He looks better and feels better and seeing the results keeps him motivated. 

Good luck, OP 🙂

Post # 28
Member
467 posts
Helper bee

I can see how he would be extremely concerned.  As PPs have said, 30lbs in two years is extreme amount of weight gain.  He may be concerned that you will continue to gain weight which would be extremely bad for your health.  Honestly, if my SO gained a lot of weight, I would likely find him less attractive too.  I think you just need to make time for exercise.  I’m in law school so I can sympathize with the lack of time, however, for breaks I often take walks.  I put a book on tape on my ipod and walk around campus for a bit.  Then I come back and hit the books.  I might do this several times in a day.  We all need breaks, and I just wear whatever I’m wearing and go out for a short walk.  It has helped me lose/maintain weight and is cheaper and easier to incorporate into my day than a gym membership.  Plus, its a fun break from all the studying and I look forward to hearing what is happening next in the book.

As far as the fast food goes, you just need to quite cold turkey.  Whenver I am craving something fried and delicious, I look up the calorie count for what I want online.  This is ALWAYS enough to dissaude me.  However, bad food can pack on the pounds quick.  I was eating takeout for about a month (due to some flooding in my apartment) and I gained 7lbs during that time!  Just keep your eye on the prize and remember its easier to loose 30lbs than 300!  🙁

Post # 29
Member
20 posts
Newbee

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@lawyerchick13:  I agree completely with this. 30 pounds is a significant amount, regardless of your height and build, and I think he feels like there’s nothing he can do. He’s tried to bring it to your attention and you’ve dismissed and ignored his feelings. It’s scary and intimidating when you see your partner taking part in behavior that is not only damaging to their health, but also detracting from their looks. Physical attraction is a very important part of healthy relationships, and I honestly believe it’s the responsibility of both parties to stay in shape, for both health and personal reasons. Try taking up light exercise like walking and jogging, and look into a ketogenic diet. It’s proven to help lose weight and increase the quality of your blooc chemistry. If you really try hard, the pounds WILL come off. 

Post # 31
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Please don’t take this the wrong way. I’m being completely serious, if you don’t find yourself attractive then it’s understandable that he wouldn’t either.  If my Fiance gained 30 pounds I wouldn’t find him as attractive either.  I’m just more attracted to a muscular fit look. I would still love him but I would encourage him to diet and exercise. I want him to be happy and healthy. 

If you are not happy with yourself then he probably also hates seeing you unhappy all the time as well. Fast food is not an addiction, it’s a bad habit. You need to make better habits. Try buying a lunchbox. It’s helps me get more excited for eating a boring packed lunch at work. A couple you can try are Laptop lunchbox, Oots, bento boxes. eating fast food on a regular basis is so unhealthy and is sure to make you unhappy and have no energy. 

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