(Closed) My Fiance Thinks I Am Fat

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 32
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Oh and I’ve had great luck with the 10 minute videos from the P90x guy. there’s no way I have time for p90 but who doesn’t have time for 10 minutes? And I found if I do it in the morning it kind of sets me up for making better food decisions the rest of the day. 

Post # 33
Member
1845 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

At first I was going to say that maybe your Fiance was trying to encourage you (maybe not in the best/gentlest way obviously), because I was thinking maybe he was concerned about your health, etc.. But then I just looked at one of your previous posts of you in your wedding dress, and you look perfectly fine to me!!! For him to say you aren’t cute, or don’t look good in clothes is ridiculous. I mean, I do understand its not healthy to gain a lot of weight in a relatively short period of time, but you still look perfectly healthy to me? People, especially women, can’t be expected to remain the same weight they were when they are 20 for their whole lives.. It’s just not realistic.

If you want to loose weight FOR YOU (like I do) then do it! But don’t do it because someone is telling you you aren’t cute/attractive because you are!! Don’t jump into something crazy like P90X, start slow by making small changes and go to bed each night feeling proud of yourself that you’re working towards a goal.

Post # 34
Member
885 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2009

@bailey12:  Hi!  I do not know what your weight is, but what I can tell you is that P90X works.  Just try the meal plan! I, too, gained 30 lbs.  I gained most of this weight during my first two years of law school because of the sedentary life I was living (always studying, and my work was sitting down in front of a pc all day).  One day, while sitting on the couch, I really started feeling like my weight was becoming a burden. I did not feel attractive in ANY pictures; I was self-conscious, and just did not feel good about myself.  I told my husband that I needed to lose weight, but that given the amount of time I spent working and studying I did not feel I could really spend the time working out. My husband purchased the P90X meal plan, modified it somewhat so that it was more affordable to make dinner, bought a food scale, and we started counting calories.  I lost 25 lbs from September to December without working out a single day.  I have yet to gain that weight back, and I am no longer dieting.  

I can totally understand why what he said to you made you feel bad; it could have been said differently.  But maybe this is the reality check you needed and will motivate you.  Try to make this a possitive experience.

 

Post # 35
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@bailey12:  I am not sure that it’s a red flag. I think he should have been a bit more tactful than saying “you don’t look cute in skirts and dresses”, but maybe he feels like he has tried everything and you need a wake-up call. Clearly you’re not happy at your current weight, and your Fiance knows this. He is upset seeing you hating your body, and he is upset that you’ve gained so much weight in the past couple years. I think he is coming from a place of concern and frustration vs. him wanting a trophy wife or something.

I’m in a similar boat. I’ve put on about 20 lbs since my SO and i started dating. Rides to work, too many meals out, more alcohol etc. It’s so easy to fall into that trap. We’ve started working out together (past 6 months or so), but a lot of it comes down to eating habits, and there’s only so much you can do together. You can cook healthy meals together, but the amount that you eat is pretty much up to you. If you go to fast food places while you’re at work or whatever, that isn’t really anything he can control, right?

My SO and I have talked about my weight (and he put some on too, he knows he needs to lose), and it’s not always a fun chat. He hasn’t said anything quite as hurtful as I don’t look cute in X outfit anymore, but I would rather he is realstic than enabling and/or coddling me. He cares about me and he wants me to look and feel good. I’m 28… I’m too young to let myself go. I don’t want to ever let myself go. There is a difference between when a guy wants his girlfriend to be stick thin versus a healthy weight.. especially if you were at a healthy weight when you met. This sounds like tough love to me and I hope that you can find a way to beat the fast food addiction. Take baby steps. Remember though.. you’re the only one responsible for your happiness. It’s ok to rely on your Fiance to a point, but I think you might be misplacing the blame here a bit. Of course it hurts.. but the truth hurts.

Post # 36
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

The first step is to look at what you’re eating each day.  You’re not home, so it’s easy, I am sure, to eat fast food every day.  But there are healthier choices within the fast food realm, and there are easier ways to eat healthy food than you think.

I also recommend joining MyFitnessPal.  You can do it online or on your smartphone.  You put in your weight, and then you track your calories every day.  I like it because it shows me how much I am really eating.  

What did you eat today?  What did you do today?  We can help you change something small, and you can start there and work toward larger changes.  =)

Post # 37
Member
2376 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

@bailey12:  i dont ever think its ok for a man to call or incenuate a woman is fat. thats just not on. but  -i do think if you feel/know you have an eating problem like addicted to fast food and literally can not stop you may want to go and talk to someone about getting help for it. and maybe your Fiance is just trying to get you to – not lose weight – but be healthier. i know if my FI/hubby was eating fast food all the time and couldnt stop i would be asking him why, and asking him to exercise etc because i care about his health. good luck!

Post # 38
Member
79 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

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@apian:  I totally agree.

Maybe he is  frustrated of not seeing any change in you, or  an intention at least to change., the same thing happens to my me with my boyfriend, I am nutricionisti and always  say to him that it must lower weight because he is overweight and i know all the problems of health that it cause.  . It is not easy to change the food habits I understand that , But you should go to a nutricionist and get  a diet specified for you.,  as for physical activity at least 40 minutes a day are sufficient… You can do it, just take the first step.

Post # 39
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I would feel the same way he does. He’s probably worried that you’re going to keep gaining weight. I would get a therapist to figure out WHY you’ve gained so much weight in such a short amount of time. If he gained a bunch of weight would you still be attracted to him? 

Post # 40
Member
467 posts
Helper bee

OP, how thin were you before you started gaining weight?  Were you underweight before you started gaining?  Another poster mentioned that you looked thin in recent posts so I checked out a picture of you that you posted in a recent post, and you were pretty damn skinny.  Like a size 4-6.  I’m a size 4-6, and if I gained 30lbs right now, I’d be overweight.  You look like you are at a healthy weight right now.  I still think you should lay off the fast food, but its a lot for your fiance to say you are fat at this point is unreasonable…

 

If you were an unhealthy weight before and have gotten to a healthier place, your fiance shouldn’t have given you crap, and maybe it is a red flag.    

 

Post # 41
Member
67 posts
Worker bee

@bailey12: I think he had tried to gently encourage you to become healthier and it hasn’t worked. He may have felt like he had to be brutally honest. It’s good that he has made his opinion known while you’re up 30 lbs, and not 40, 50, 60 etc. I don’t know the tone he used when he said all this, but I don’t feel he was trying to cut you down. I think he was just being honest. I’m sure it’s frustrating to him to hear you say you want to lose weight, yet see you stopping at fast food joints.

I don’t think he should be your coach. This is something you need to do for yourself, separate from the relationship. That isn’t to say you shouldn’t have support. There are great free websites like sparkpeople.com where people can get recipes, read articles, and be part of a supportive community of people with similar goals. 

If you want to lose weight, you can absolutely do it.  

 

Post # 42
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I can understand being frustrated as your partner watching you consistently make bad choices for your health all the time. You’ve said he tries hard to be healthy and tries to get you involved in healthy activities. It wasn’t nice of him to say that you don’t look cute anymore, I agree with that. But I’d be frustrated if I was him, too!

Post # 43
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

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@bailey12:  Graduate student here too! I gained 30 lbs when I started grad school due to the stress. I have slowly taken it off using the weightwatchers plan. I recommend it as you can still have a little bit of fast food, it’s all about moderation and portion control. Planning is also key, if you have healthy snacks and lunch ready you can avoid the awful student food. 

I also found that just walking or biking to school can help add some exercise. I also don’t take cash with me so I can avoid the snack machine that is in the hall near our lab! 

Post # 44
Member
881 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

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@FortiesFlare:  I am pretty confused. I just looked at the pics you referred to and if that is the OP then she probably needed to gain the weight because she looks great and healthy and not over or under weight. 

View original reply
@bailey12:  if those pics of you in your wedding dress are an accurate depiction of your body at the present time then I don’t see how it would be healthy for you to lose more than 5-10 lbs. that being said, the fast food addiction does need to be nipped in the bud for obvious health reasons but if your Fiance has a problem with your body as it is now he needs to get his eyes checked. 

Post # 45
Member
121 posts
Blushing bee

You wanted honesty and that is what you get…

I think you need to understand that people who try to eat healthy find it very hard to see their loved ones eating constantly junk food. It’s not even all about the weight, it’s very known that eating junk food and processed food in general is bad for your health. I would find it extremely hard if my Fiance ate junk food several times a week because that is just a sign that the person has no will power and doesn’t care about themselves; you need to be in control of your life, not food.

Everyone craves for junk food if they eat it often, it’s very simple and a matter of fact. That’s why the key is not to eat it at all. I.e. I used to drink coke daily but after realizing the health risks, I started to drink sparking water instead and I don’t even crave for coke anymore at all – I may still have some once a month or so but I don’t need it.

You need to take care of yourself and you need to think about whether junk food really is more important to you than your health. You have to start to take care of yourself only once, and unfortunately, the older people get, the less likely it is.

I did see the photo of you in a wedding dress and, despite of what some other people have said, I do think you need to lose some weight in order to be of healthy weight. It’s much easier now than next year; if you don’t change your habits, you’ll only continue to gain weight and you may not even notice it before its too late.

Post # 46
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Firstly, OP, you are gorgeous.  I don’t understand how anyone could think you don’t look cute in something, because, if that is you at your current weight in those dress photos, you are freaking adorable.

Secondly, you Fiance was way out of line.  I don’t care if he was frustrated or not.  You didn’t ask his opinion on how you look in shorts, you asked him if he would still marry you knowing you may not lose weight and, honestly, the fact he ignored that question and didn’t tell you that of course he would because he loves you for you does not set well with me.  I can’t even imagine how I would be able to look him in the eyes and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this :  I wish I had some actually good, solid advice for you, but I wouldn’t even know what I would do in your situation.  

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