(Closed) My Fiance Thinks I Am Fat

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 77
Member
170 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

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@FarleyNish:  I’m not saying there is anything wrong with finding certain things attractive–all of us have types we’re attracted to–my type is def tall, lean, and muscular–and my husband fits this. But if that were to change and he were to gain a bit of weight I wouldn’t stop being attracted to him. I mean when we marry we’re in it for the long haul, and none of us are going to stay looking the way we did in the beginning–I may get a ton of stretch marks after having a baby (someday), my husband might go bald, gain weight, etc.—it’s a part of life. 

 

Now I HAVE told my husband to eat better–he may have a great metabolism but he used to live on fast food and that’s just a problem waiting to happen–so I make him healthy meals to bring to lunch so he’s not tempted.

Post # 78
Member
2120 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

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@LadyElva:  +1

 

Post # 80
Member
3723 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

Hi there. If you are really serious about getting healthy, why don’t you go speak with a Registered Dietician. They are non-judging and will give you good feedback. Set up and appointment a week from now. In the time between now and then, record everything you eat and the activity you do (gym time, walking, gardening, etc).

You may also want to consider Weight Watchers. I have found it to be a good springboard and a fabulous support system. You are not alone in your battle! There are so many fabulous women on this planet who have had to battle the bulge. For me, it is my life’s work!

 

Post # 81
Member
106 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Oh, what an awful thing to say.  I’m hoping it’s just wedding stress making him a little crazy.  

 

I do think you definitely need to have a serious talk, and I personally would consider postponing/cancelling the wedding if that talk goes badly.

 

For me, he would need to acknowledge:

a) that that was a tactless, mean way to put it, even if he is really concerned about your health, and you deserve a sincere apology,

b) that he still finds you attractive & will ALWAYS find you attractive and be committed to you.  You’re both going to get old, and saggy, and if you want children your body WILL change, irreversibly,  and I don’t think it’s unreasonable at all to say “the way you just spoke to me made me very fearful that you are not committed to sticking with me for a lifetime, regardless of my body”,

 

 

What a confidence crusher – I feel so badly for you.  I think other people will tell you that it’s overreacting to postpone or cancel the wedding so close, but I think it’s a major red flag for both of you… if he’s seriously not attracted to you long term because of your weight, then better for you to find that out before you’re married.  And if he is not going to change being critical in ways that are destructive to your emotional health, then better to know that before you’re married too.

Post # 82
Member
10 posts
Newbee

I can understand your need to know that his affection isn’t related to your weight. I agree with the first poster that this would be a red flag for me. We all age and, as we do, most of us gain weight. It’s one thing to suggest that you both get healthy, quite another to imply that he can’t find you attractive 30lbs up. Are you going to have to watch your weight for the rest of your life? I’d have a long chat with him. It’s possible he didn’t mean to be as harsh as he was – but I’d want a cast iron definition of his concerns before I walked down the altar. I’m really sorry that this happened. It sounds really upsetting, you poor thing. Make sure you have lots of friends around you.

Post # 83
Member
982 posts
Busy bee

@bailey12:  I don’t think there’s any other way that you can’t take what he said personally. I get that he’s trying to get you to cut down on takeaway – it’s expensive, so bad for you and yep, addictive. He wants you to be healthy, but telling you you don’t look cute just serves to make you feel like crap – it’s not a motivator. That would make me want to climb in bed and stay there, not put on my runners and run for 100kms and go bench press a tonne!

I don’t like diets. In the past when exercising, I have swapped something bad for something better – yoghurt for breakfast instead of hash browns, carrot and celery for snacks instead of chocolate and potato chips, cut down on soft drink etc. This has worked for me, as well as allowing myself one day a week to eat what I like. It probably would have been more effective if I had calorie restricted myself. I was also running around the block because being as unfit as I am, that’s all I could manage. BUT, it was way better and way more than what I had been doing, and you have to start somewhere. I do have Gillian Michael’s 30 Day Shred which I should get back into – I recommend this. It’s a 30 minute workout, and it is TOUGH. I certainly wouldn’t recommend going straight into 90min workouts, at least not initially. You need to build up your fitness.

With weight loss, it’s so important to do it for you, not for anyone else. If you’re unhappy at your current weight, only you can change it. But you need to speak up to your Fiance and tell him that his hurtful comments aren’t helpful and they certainly aren’t motivating, and that over the course of your marriage, your body is going to change – no one will ever remain the same weight and body type for the duration of the marriage! And he has to be willing to accept you for who you are, not pick on a few gained pounds, just like you accept him.

Post # 84
Member
2266 posts
Buzzing bee

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@LadyElva:  I agree with almost everything you’re saying. Except for one thing.

“So I asked him if he would still want to marry me if he knew that I would be this weight for the rest of my life. I just wanted to know I was loved unconditionally. He responded by saying that I don’t look cute anymore.””

Her: “Would you still want to marry me if I was this weight for the rest of my life?”
Him: “You don’t look cute anymore.”

The hell? 

Post # 85
Member
818 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@stuckinwonderland:  +1 this this this this.

I lost over 100+ pounds and Fiance literally loved me the exact same at both extremes. Big red flag and not okay dear :/ I’m sure you are cute even with that extra weight that you CAN get rid of (hug)

Post # 86
Member
7349 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@FarleyNish:  +1

I hate when threads like this pop up and people jump on the “he’s an asshole” bandwagon or tell the OP that it’s a “red flag for worse things to come”. Come on people. It would be different if the OP was a tiny girl with no weight issues and her fiance was telling her she was fat and berating her. The OP herself has said that she’s gained 30 pounds, has an addiction to fast food, and she herself is not happy with her weight gain. Should her fiance love her no matter what? Yes. But if we’re being honest, it’s not unreasonable for an attraction to be lost with a change in appearance. My DH wouldn’t be attacted to me if I got a short haircut because he HATES short hair on women. Does that make him an oger for telling me he likes that I keep my hair long? I don’t think so.

 

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@bailey12:  I’m not saying any of this to be harsh, I’m really not. This is coming from someone who has also gained 30 pounds. I too am unhappy with myself and my lack of motivation. My DH has been bringing it up as well. I totally understand it hurts your feelings, it hurts mine. What I’m saying is that why should my DH (or your FI) keep quiet about something that is bothering them pertaining to us? 

What happens if that 30 pounds turns to 60, then turnes to 100, and before you know it your fast food cravings have made you morbidly obese? I know that my weight slowly crept up on me when I took a break from working out (I was a runner, and just got burnt out on my last half marathon) and it’s been getting worse. DH and I want to have kids, but he doesn’t want to see me turn into someone who is physically unable to play with our future children, or join in activities, etc. 

You need to do this for you, not him, because if you don’t do it for you it won’t work. 

Post # 87
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

My husband got out of the military recently and his awesome six-pack is sort of becoming a… keg. I don’t really care that much because he’s still the same awesome guy and he’s still a beast in the sack. If he, say, started really getting obese then I’d have an issue with the change in his appearance. But a few extra pounds shouldn’t change anything.

Depending on how tall you are, 30 lbs isn’t THAT much.

Post # 88
Member
2203 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

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@FarleyNish:  +1

OP- it sounds like he is concerned about your health and after many attempts to get you to work out with him, and probably being very annoyed with you making every excuse in the book why you can’t workout (don’t have time, not in shape), he chose some harsh words to deliver tough love.

im not trying to sound mean but 30lbs is a lot. Constant junk food is awful for your health. It’s not baby weight or a health problem, it’s a direct result of poor habits.

Don’t kid yourself that your behavior is “ok” and that he is the bad guy here.

 

Post # 89
Member
1920 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

 

@bailey12:  Wow, I’m in shock right now. I’m not even going to go into the weight gain part because it happens. It’s normal. I probably gained 20lbs within the past 3 and a half years because I was super stressed when we bought our first home together. So it happens. But my issue is the fact that he won’t really help you. So what is it, P90x or no help at all? That’s insane! I hate to say this but he is clearly not being there for you when you ask for help and support. Do not lose weight for anybody but yourself. If he is shallow and only with you for your looks then sadly, maybe he isn’t the one for you. 

Post # 90
Member
666 posts
Busy bee

wow.  As someone that has had serious issues with weight gain and loss, I found most of the advice on this thread to come across as harsh and judgmental.  Not sure what some posters are trying to accomplish with that.

 

i am a chronic Yoyo dieter but I won’t give up because I know that I need to fix the maintenance and lifestyle part of it when I reach a goal weight.  And it has to be reasonable changes that *I* can live with, what work for ME. 

 

OP, just start with yourself, you said you weren’t happy so do some things you can right now – like eliminate fast food, do some exercise that fits in your schedule.  Don’t overwhelm yourself. 

 

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