- 1 year ago
- Wedding: June 2009
you should had the ceremony to commemorate something that for me, only happened once in a lifetime
you should had the ceremony to commemorate something that for me, only happened once in a lifetime
pantsapocalypse : I get that he says it and he thinks it is an answer. But it is not an acceptable answer when it comes to somethin that requires a lot of $$$. I know several “yes man” people. I’ve dated some. Ask till he gives an answer or gives you a list of things he wants or doesn’t want. I understand that some people don’t have strong opinions of details but people generally ahs on opinion on wether or not they want their mom there or if they want to travel across the world. But I would say you should rather do the wedding that you want, than the wedding you think he wants. Otherwise it will be a day neither of you wanted.
pantsapocalypse : I’d stear away from the whole charity gala thing. If giving back is important, you could elope and donate $x that you would have spent on a reception. If having a fancy affairiswha t you want, you can still do one with an intimate dinner party. Doing both, though, is odd.
I promise you will get more attention if you try to have a fundraiser that “just happens” to follow your wedding than if just have a reception.
A wedding is just when you get married. It sounds like your fiance is on board with this. It sounds like he thinks dresses that cost more than cars, an array of flowers, heart shaped cookies, wooden signs, etc are silly. And he’s right. But he is allowed to go along with something that is silly if he doesn’t care either way and you want it. You are allowed to want silly things. Everyone is. A group of men fighting over a ball to run it across a field and getting paid millions for this is silly. Anyone who says they don’t have any silly things is lying.
If you want a traditional wedding and you can afford it then have a traditional wedding. If you want a small wedding then have a small wedding. If you want to elope then elope. If it makes you feel any better, “traditional” weddings were not traditional for anyone but royalty until fairly recently.
He isn’t required to have an opinion on the decorations, your dress, or anything that isn’t whether or when you two will get married. I think this only feels odd because one of you cares and one of you doesn’t. Neither my fiance nor I care about flowers- so we aren’t having flowers. Neither care about the historical nature of the venue, so we picked the cheapest venue that had bathrooms (that was our qualifier- has bathrooms). Neither cares about what the chairs look like, so we aren’t doing chair covers. I looked at what wedding dresses cost and I was like “f that,” I asked him if he cared, nope, so I’m wearing a “regular” dress. It doesn’t mean we don’t want to be married. Just that we don’t care about the pomp and circumstance. It would be odd if two people who didn’t want to get married were getting married. But if my fiance wanted tulips and to get married in a museum with white chair colors, then that’s what we’d do- because I don’t gaf. And it doesn’t make sense to me to say that I want to marry him less if I don’t gaf and he does than if we both don’t gaf. What matters is getting married; everything else is a bonus. He doesn’t have to care about wedding decorations anymore than he has to care about what color you paint your nails on any given Tuesday.
I vote “no” on the reception being a fundraising event. You are deluding yourself that people won’t connect the wedding ceremony & the party afterwards as being connected. Unless you seriously only get married with just the two of you at the courthouse & then in the evening attend the event together. But that’s a stretch. Obviously, your family and friends will know that the event is your reception. And what if your friends & family don’t attend this “fundraiser” because they don’t know you’re married, because you’ve absolutely kept it quiet? What’s going to clue them into the fact that this is a celebration for your wedding?
You don’t seem to be thinking this through. Passing off a fundraiser as a wedding reception is hugely tacky just as turning your reception into a fundraiser is also super tacky. I’d go to a wedding reception. I wouldn’t necessarily attend a fundraiser even if hosted by a close friend or family member. I mean, maybe, if I felt strongly about the charity or something & if I wasn’t too tired or didn’t have other plans, I might go. Wedding receptions, you make time for & travel for. Random charity fundraisers, not so much. If you’re truly not letting people know that you got married right before the fundraiser then they would have no clue this is supposed to be your reception. People don’t usually go to random fundraisers “just because”.
If you want to tie your wedding to a fundraiser, either donate all the money you are given to charity or have a quick courthouse wedding and give the money you would have paid for a formal wedding to charity.
Don’t make your guests feel obligated to choose between supporting a random cause they may feel no connection to or even dislike or not celebrating your marriage. People WILL connect your wedding to a fundraiser if they happen on the same day, and they will want to celebrate your marriage. Charity is a very personal thing and there are often downsides to charitable organizations. If a friend told me I had to choose between skipping the only wedding celebration they will have or donating to something like the Salvation Army (a cause I have big moral issues with) I would feel really upset. I research the charities I support very intensively before I donate.
As for your fiance, if he’s not into this then surprise him with things you think he’ll like. What’s his hobby? You can theme a groom’s cake around that. Walk down the aisle to his favorite song, or choose it for your first dance. Ask his mom for cute pics from his childhood and make him a surprise slideshow. Incorporate his favorite foods into your menu. Theme your boudoir shoot around his favorite fantasy. He may not have a specific dream wedding – a lot of people don’t. But you must know him well enough to be able to plan some little surprises he’ll think are cool.
pantsapocalypse : I frustrated because I want both of us to find something we can enjoy about it because it’s for us
I think you are over thinking this. Do what you love and take into consideration and include aspects of stuff you think he will enjoy as well. He might not even know or have thought about things he’d like because its never really something he’s ever seen or thought about and that’s OK.
My husband is a car nut and TBH the only time I think about a car is if I need to wash it, pay rego, check oil or put in petrol! 😀 My husband is a member of a few model specific car clubs and they have monthly meet ups which invariably ends up being 20 cars parked in some random parking lot with their hoods up with a bunch of enthralled dudes standing around with car boners! The car part is absolutely boring as hell to me but I go with hubby because it makes him happy to share his car love with me. I go because I actually get a thrill out of seeing him excited and enjoying his passion
You’re too hung up on worrying about your future hubby enjoying the wedding in the same way as you and maybe his something to enjoy on the day is seeing you so happy and excited. Everyone gets enjoyment out of something in different ways. With hubby’s car meets he enjoys the cars and I enjoy his excitement of the event. Your wedding day can be viewed in the same way. He’ll probably get joy from your joy and it will still be very special to him too. He may suprise himself and you by how unexpectedly special it ended up being to him.
Plan what you think you both will enjoy. It’s pretty simple. OP, you have a partner who’s happy to step in with something that’s important to you. He’s a good one. Enjoy the planning and his gift of wanting you to be happy. Your happiness and enjoyment of the day will bring him joy.
pantsapocalypse : In that case, I repeat my earlier suggestion to get off of Pinterest. You and your fiance sound like you’re in the position my husband and I were in when we first got engaged, and I got waaay stressed one day into planning because none of it felt right.
So let me tell you that for us, wedding planning took exactly one day, once I realized a traditional ceremony and reception was not gonna happen. First we picked a date. Then we decided where we were going to marry, which was a beach 5 hours away from where we lived. We invited one friend and our parents, and asked my mom to officiate. I ordered a $150 dress on Etsy. And bam, we were done.
The day before the wedding, we drove down to the beach and found a public park that looked nice. Then we texted everyone the address, picked up a cake at a bakery, and made a reservation at a nearby restaurant.
Our wedding was small, casual, and simple. And best of all, it wasn’t stressful! You’ll figure out what works for you.
I get wanting him to be as excited about the wedding as you are, but this is just one of those things.
His analogy is actually very good–maybe he always hoped for a girlfriend/wife who would be as in to football as him.. you’re not that, and he realizes this isn’t worth breaking up over and also this isn’t somethign you can just change in a person. You can’t just change a persons interests… its just who they are.
I think its very sweet you sit through boring football games (I wouldn’t) and very sweet that he’s doing his best to be supportive of the wedding you want even if its not his thing. I’d stop overthinking it, have the wedding you want, and know he’ll be happy you’re happy–the same way you are happy he’s happy when you cuddle him during football. You’ll find other things in life you’re both in to.
Thank you for all the advice and prospectives!
After reading all the responses and chatting with him agian, I am thinking we may elope and do a wedding in or something. But also that I am overthinking it, it’s meant to be fun so why make it anything but.
To response to the antifundraiser Idea crowd, sorry for the overshare, but the tldr version is I am a DV survivor with kids and a super demanding job so I have pretty much no friends and my family is toxic so we aren’t in contact.My partner hates people because of people like my ex and my family has made him really jaded against humanity.
I already do fundraisers for my birthday which are usually smallish and just don’t mention it’s my birthday because I don’t need or want anything and helping others gives me warm fuzzies. So I don’t really feel like the objection are applicable. I mean, we still may not do it but if we don’t it will be because of the size of the project.
pantsapocalypse : I can understand and totally relate to everything you wrote (excepting the black tie charity wedding thing, my feeling is it’s not a good match)
My partner has zero interest in our wedding, in fact, he sorta kinda hates the thought of it. Which has been super painful for me. Knowing he is only doing the whole getting married and having a wedding thing (we are eloping) for me and what I want has been a really mixed bag: yes, it is the ultimate show of his love and respect for my needs and wishes and to make me happy. But it’s also over and over again a kinda shitty position to be in.
He is not excited. He is not so much interested in the details and he is helping as much as I ask but not from a place of interest and joy. yeah, ouch. There have been times when I nearly called the whole thing off. There have been tears. There have been doubts.
But there has been his steadfast commitment to his word from the very beginning and that makes all the difference. If your partner is saying to you: yes, we feel different about marriage and weddings, but THIS is important to you and I want you to have this then you really should take that at face value. With respect and with love. I would even say I am grateful, not that he is “willing” to marry me, but because he is willing to do something big he doesn’t care a whit about to make me happy.
OP, I am not saying it will be easy or compfortable all the time. But if marriage and a wedding is what he s offering and it is something you will regret if you don’t experience it, then take this gift he is offering and enjoy it.
You won’t be able to make him feel all those feelings (the excitement, the joy of taking this step) but you don’t need to feel bad about it either.
We are 6 weeks out, after 2 years of ups and downs on this matter I have to say we are now both at peace with it. I am convinced it will be a wonderful day for us both 🙂
My husband and I also think weddings are silly so I see his point.
However, there are 2 of you in this relationship. Either you will have to do no wedding or your big wedding. OR you will have to compromise. To me, the fairest option would be to do a compromise of a smaller wedding but with the details you’re excitied for. Bottom line is that neither one of you will get exactly what you want because you want different things. But a wedding can be flexible and meet both of your needs.
So tacky to be collecting money at a “gala” for your wedding. Nobody wants to go pay to go to a reception. And calling it for charity is going to super guilt trip people. So so tacky. Advise against.
If you want to do a small backyard thing with family and friends, and then ask people to donate to your *charity of choice* instead of giving you gifts, that is ok. But make sure you mention that it is totally optional.
I will say that we requested in lieu of gifts our guests donate to one of half a dozen charities we like and it failed horribly. Our families are both very large, very well off, and our wedding was a very extravagent affair- the likes of which most people gift quite a lot to in our social circle. By framing our registry as a charity donation we got a truly pitiful amount of donations. Most people didnt even bother to donate. People prefer to help “set up” the couple in their new lives regardless of if the new couple needs help setting up so just be fore warned that your charity event/donation/registry/etc may be an epic flop
leahbeeah : huh? I do it for basically all my birthdays.. as stated above, I don’t have friends or family, just people I work with or people in my field. I live in a very altusitic area so anytime I have organized stuff for the homeless, children, or animals and offer free boozes, people are all about it… Have you tried not having any family or friends because I feel like that th is what gives me the edge, inviting the general public.