My Fiance wants to get married but is undecided when…

posted 1 year ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
800 posts
Busy bee

Have you asked him why he gave you the ring if he didn’t want to get married yet? Could he be depressed or something? Did you ‘nag’ him before he gave you the ring?

 

i personally think it’s very strange (and a huge red flag) that he doesn’t want to marry you after he gave you the ring that said he wanted to marry you… 

 

apologies if I’m stepping out of line and ultimately only you know your relationship but are you sure he sure he wants to marry you? 

Post # 3
Member
2917 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

Perhaps he gave into the pressure you’ve both been feeling and now that it’s a reality, he’s backing out. All you can do is talk to him. You’re both very young, there might be pressure from family and church but that’s no reason to force something so special as marriage is. 

Post # 4
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

honey19 :  Bee it really sounds like he isn’t teady to be married and it sounds like you were given a “shut her up” proposal.  Actually it wss probably to shut everyone else up as well.  When a man wants to get married he doesn’t have to be begged, nagged or pushed.  He does it because he wants to and is excited about it.   That is not the case in your situation. He’s most likely decided that you’re not Ms. Right but more like Ms. Right Now.  

You’re being strung along bee.  He’s getting all the comforts of marriage without the legal obligations.  He wants to be able to walk away free and clear if or more likely WHEN the relationship goes south.  He’s ptetty much told you this.  

Its okay to not be ready for marriage but not okay to expect you to put your life on hold until he decides what he really wants.  Likewise this is your future too bee.   Why are you leaving all the decisions up to him?

He’s never going to tell you this bee until he’s ready to end the relationship.  He’s doing what a lot of guys do…..put the onus on you to leave or accept things as is.  He’s not marrying you bee….what are you going to do?

Post # 5
Member
10668 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

honey19 :  

You are both too young for marriage.  Your brains are not even fully developed until you are 25.

Your bf does not want to get married right now.  Was he wrong to string you along?  Yes, if that’s how it went.  It sounds as if external pressures are having too much impact.

For now, live separately and date each other.

Post # 6
Member
275 posts
Helper bee

honey19 :  

My fiance and I are pretty young he is 22 and I am turning 23 in November

 

So you are both 22…??

My advice would be to forget about marriage, forget about everyone else and just enjoy your life as it is for now.

 

 

Post # 7
Member
800 posts
Busy bee

sassy411 :  

 

you should never ever judge anyone’s age. They are not too young to get married but they may not be suited to getting married.

 

my entire family have been married pre 24 and there’s is not a single divorce, some of them are still going strong 30 years later, others have unfortunately passed away.

Post # 8
Member
1496 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

Don’t worry about your age, and don’t worry about everyone else barking about how you’re too young.  Your age has nothing to do with anything – it’s your maturity that matters.  I know a LOT of people who got married at your age and are still in the same, wonderful marriage they started.

However, it is very confusing that your fiance proposed and I assume asked “will you marry me” when he didn’t want to get married?  I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask him what kind of timeline he had in mind.  If he doesn’t have one, that’s a big problem.  If he gets upset that you’re asking, maybe ask him if there’s someone in the church he respects that he could talk to about it?  He may very well just not have the maturity needed to overcome his fears of uncertainty and a desire for stability.  So maybe talking it through with someone would help (perhaps even a counselor).  But he doesn’t just get to stay in the limbo of being engaged forever. 

 

Give him the benefit of the doubt for now, but don’t sit around waiting for him to fix it.  This definitely requires a very focused conversation.  If he tries to wriggle away from answering for things, then you have a problem.

Post # 9
Member
322 posts
Helper bee

sassy411 :  but they are already living together and sharing finances. Splitting up so they can just date would be a bit… odd?

Post # 10
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

honey19 :  Sounds like he is really young and just didn’t understand the concept of being engaged. I have had this discussion before with people and you would be suprised how people see engagement differently. 

If you propose to someone it should be because you are READY. Like that moment you would be ready to marry them. If you don’t feel ready you SHOULDN’T PROPOSE. I think a young guy might not understand that disctinction. I also had a girlfriend whose boyfriend asked her father for permission to marry her. He also didn’t understand that if you are ready to ask her father you then have a SMALL WINDOW of time to propose before you start to piss off her parents. He also didn’t understand that committment. So when he left her suddenly with no warning after promising to propose it was really bad. If you are asking the father for his blessing, or proposing, you should only do so if you would be ready to marry them that very minute. Otherwise you get into these weird situations and hesitating to actually pull the trigger and get married. 

I think you should go to an actual therapist and not a church concilor. Those are two totally different things. A therapist really understands the logic behind why people do what they do and it would be a far more judge free zone than a church. He might open up there way more than in a Church setting. What you really need to figure out is what changed for him. Did he think he was ready when he proposed but your rough patch you mentioned left him with doubts he didn’t have before? Or did he just not understand that you don’t propose until you are ready? You need to stress to him that no matter how hard it might be or no matter how much he doesn’t want to hurt you he needs to be honest. 

I also wanted to put something in here about your Church members judging you living together. I grew up Christian and I just have to say I am so sorry people are saying things to you both. That is not their place to judge you at all. Jesus literally said in the Bible, he without sin may cast the first stone. Everyone is on their own unique spiritual journey. Everyone has their own deeply personal relationship directly between themselves and God. That relationship is no ones’s business but your own. Don’t let anyone tell you different. Might be worth looking into another Church in your area with a less judgemental crowd. Or maybe look at a slightly different branch of religion within the Christian community that has the beliefs you uphold but their tenants they practice by are non judgemental. You need unconditional support and love not judgement. If you are staying in your Church I think you have every right to kindly tell people their comments aren’t wanted. They say something to you about living together you can say, I appreciate you worrying about me but my beliefs and relationship with God is my own and deeply personal. I prefer not to discuss my life choices publicly. If you are going to spend your life in this Church you might as well start forming boundaries with the other people in there now. Unless you want a lifetime of them making judgy comments to you about your marriage, your kids, etc. It won’t stop with what they think about your living situation fyi. 

Post # 11
Member
991 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I would not get married under those circumstances, would be a setup for disaster. 

I got married at 22, divorced 6 years later. I did it “because it was time”.

My advice is WAIT UNTIL HE’S READY and do not pressure him. He’ll feel under pressure, trapped, and discontent. Even if he loves you and wants to be with you.

Let things go at their own pace, including his. 

Post # 12
Member
2824 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

honey19 : Um, if he’s not too young to live with you,  have sex with you,  share expenses with you then he’s not too young to *marry* you.! He just does not *want* to.  You got a ring to placate you and others in his life but he’s not willing to follow through.  Move out and stop playing pseudo wife.

Post # 13
Member
6590 posts
Bee Keeper

I think it would be wrong to get married because your church and family pressure you. If I’m reading your timeline correct, you got engaged at 21, after dating for 2 years (19-21)? That is not much time at all. Why did he propose? Was there pressure from family/church a year ago when he did? 

I agree with talking to an actual therapist, not a church counsellor. Maybe send him indivdually so he can work on pinpointing his feelings and then maybe later you can go together.  

Post # 14
Member
1450 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2021 - Kauai, HI

I think it’s important to listen to his needs.  Many men want to accomplish individual goals before getting married and having a family. Especially a man this young.  I’m not saying it can’t work, but be patient. Focus on your individual goals.  There plenty of time.  When you really have forever in front of you definitely have time to just be enraged or even just date.

if that doesn’t work for you you’d be better of moving on from the relationship and finding someone that is excited to marry you right now.  He was wrong to string you along if he wasn’t ready. 

Post # 15
Member
3389 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

ladyjane123 :  ladyjane here hit the nail on the head.

I think he proposed with a very different idea of what that meant than how most people view it. Most of us see it as “I’m ready to get married and I want to marry you”. Some people, particularly the very young and in love, may see it as a promise that they want to marry you some day. 

You need to ask him straight up what view he has on it. If he is not ready to get married now, you need to accept that and decide for yourself whether you are willing to wait until he is ready or move on. At your age, I don’t think there is anything wrong with waiting, and I think a much worse decision would be rushing into the commitment because of church and family pressure. If you stay together but he is not ready to set a date, I’d suggest that you give the ring back and tell him not to give it back to you until he is ready to actually get married. Because if he isn’t ready to pick a date and get married, you’re not really engaged. 

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