Post # 1
So the fiance and I had a whopper of a conversation the other night and I guess it didnt really hit me til now the severity of the issue. My fiance confessed that he’s had a huge knot in his stomach for a couple of weeks now about about whether or not we should get married. He said that as the wedding gets closer and closer he gets more and more anxious(our wedding is in September of this year).
I love him very very much, we’ve been together 6 years now. And we’ve had our fair share of ups and downs, lots of heavy stuff. Anyways, the last 3 years have been awesome we moved in together built a home, and have all around just had a really great relationship.
He’s now afraid that he’s going to fail at marriage and be like his uncles who were married a year or two and got divorced. He’s afraid that because of my sometimes lingering distrust we wont be able to move on and have a successful marriage(he cheated on me and I was cheated on in the past so I have trust issues not only with him but with many people) He’s afraid that I won’t be able to take over for him if something needs to get done(we wants to start a business and he’s afraid if he has to be out of town or whatever I won’t be able to take the reigns, I’m kind of a pansy sometimes).
But he says he still loves me, he doesnt want to hurt me and he’s just overall confused. He knows deep down I’m the right girl for him but he’s just all bunched up in a knot.
It just hit me and I’m terrified. Should I postpone? Should I just cancel it and move on? I mean after 6 years together you can’t figure out if you want to marry me when will you? I dont know I’m seriously having doubts now as well. I am still totally and completely in love with him and I want to give it a chance but now I dont know… I’m so scared..
Anyone have any advice??
Post # 3
my best bet would be couples counselling to work through whichever issue.. 6 years is alot to give up without going to counselling and giving it a shot. best to sort out the issues before getting married.
Post # 4
I agree with pp….counseling is at least a great start and move forward from there. The foundation of any good relationship is trust.
Post # 5
I agree, I think counseling would help sort this out. Is he willing to go with you?
Since the wedding is about 8 months away, I wouldn’t make any decisions just yet about postponing/canceling/going ahead with the wedding… I would do counseling for a few months and then reevaluate. I don’t know that postponing will really help though… either he wants to move forward or he doesn’t, after 6 years to think about it. I don’t see how more time really helps. The issues seem to be mostly in his head and it’s up to him to work through it if he can. With the wedding in Sept, he can take a few months now to really think and get counseling and get his head straight. If he really can’t do this he needs to be honest and not endlessly delay.
Post # 6
I agree that you still have some time to decide before you postpone or not. Counseling is definitely a good idea. The two of you have been together for six years, and you already live together. What is he afraid will change if you get married? A counselor can help you get to the root of these issues.
This is just my opinion, but I also think it might be a good idea to rethink the business. Starting a business can be really stressful and difficult, and the last thing you need is to add all that stress into your relationship. If your work and your personal life are tied up together like that then any trouble at work will only cause you trouble in your relationship. So rather than having your home and your family be a place where you can go to unwind and relax from the stresses of your day, all that stress will just come home with you.
I hope you can work things out. The key is not to make any drastic decisions too quickly, take time for the both of you to work out these issues. Nothing that he said was about his doubts about your relationship, but about the idea of marriage in general. That makes me really hopeful. Good luck!
Post # 7
It sounds like he has serious concerns about the long term potential of your relationship. At 6 years of being together, I would definitely take these seriously. The only way to get underneath whether this is something you guys can address or fundamental concerns that won’t go away is probably to go see someone who can help you deal with them.
Post # 8
((((BIG HUGS)))) I’m so sorry you’re going through this! I can’t imagine how hard this must be. Obviously, you deserve to get married being sure that you’re doing the right thing and knowing that your future husband is sure as well. That being said, one conversation where he confesses that he’s nervous and scared does not mean that this isn’t going to happen for the two of you. But obviously, there are some things that you guys need to work through. In a case like this, I think a third party is going to be really important–so counseling is a great idea. You both clearly love each other very much, so I have no doubt that you’re willing to put in the time and energy it will take. Don’t make any big decisions about the wedding right now, you’re feeling too emotional. Just get yourselves in to see a counselor, and reevaluate where you are in a month. He said he KNOWS you’re the right girl for him–now you guys just need to work together to get through everything else so that you can head into your wedding in complete confidence. And the hive is totally here for you if you need us!
Post # 9
I agree with counseling. My Fiance just recently lied to me about smoking cigarettes. And to be honest, I don’t want to marry him anymore. I haven’t talked to him in two weeks but I will talk to him this weekend. I’m going to tell him that we need to talk to a counselor in order to get pass this trust issue that I am now having. Good Luck to you and I know that everything will work out for the best. Take care.
Post # 10
I’m totally with Janna19 on this one. I would go to a counselor and just have a casual chat about it. Getting a 3rd person’s neutral perspective on things might shed a lot of light on the situation. But I wouldn’t cancel or postpone anything just yet. Try it out for a month or two and then sit down and discuss the wedding again. Maybe he’s just having a severe case of cold feet and isn’t quite expressing himself properly. Best of luck!
Post # 11
I agree with everyone else’s comments – the most important thing for both of you to do here is to keep talking; your fiance was really brave to bring this up, it must have been pretty tough thing to admit. At least you are being honest with one another, like littlemissmoo says, don’t postpone yet, september is a long way off still really, you have plenty of time to talk this over.
big hugs, and good luck!
Post # 12
Well, in my case I was the one who wanted to post pone the wedding. It was from one of my crazy spells not from cold feet. My fiance said no it was a terrible idea. He said that there are couples who have a long engagement like over 6 yrs and something happens that they don’t end up getting married ever. I agreed and we haven’t changed the date since. I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to marry you. The way you put it you two have moved in together and you two are happy and everything is going well. Is he the type that says, we’re already living together what’s the point of getting married?
My Fiance and I were living together when he proposed. I, for religious reasons, moved out immediately. We started planning our wedding and the church I went to offered marriage counseling. I don’t know if you’re religious, but if you are pastors give the best marriage counseling. Sometimes it’s better to move out that way you two have to get married. I mean, at first it felt like a break up, and I went through a lot of emotional turmoil, but at the end we got to know each other a lot better and we haven’t regretted it ever since.. That’s just my personal experience…
Post # 13
As others have said, counseling could be helpful. I also agree that 6 years is plenty of time to decide one way or the other. That said, I think you should help him understand that his fear is normal and very common. You could be living together for years, but deciding to get married naturally makes you think about all of your SO’s flaws, because you are actively making a commitment to live with those flaws forever. So his questioning of your imperfections is a natural part of making that commitment. I would make sure he understands this so he doesn’t see his feelings as a red flag but rather as a normal part of the process. I am so excited to marry my Fiance, but I sometimes fear getting married as well.