Post # 1
I am a regular poster going anon for obvious reasons.
My fiance was arrested today for shoplifting. He has never got so much as a speeding ticket before. He did it on purpose, aka he didn’t forget to pay for something or anything, but I haven’t talked to him much about why. It was a completely common, unneccessary grocery item less than $5. He is in jail right now because he refused to let me bail him out, I guess he feels guilty. Hopefully he’ll come home tomorrow.
Anyway, not looking for legal advice or anything, but I am just stunned and don’t know what to do. I can’t believe he took such a stupid risk and betrayed my trust in this way. Plus I am just so embarrassed for him and for us. What a completely idiotic thing to do.
I feel so alone and scared right now … please help me bees. How should I react? What questions can I ask myself and him to evaluate why this happened and make sure it never happens again? Would you leave your fiancee if he did something like this?
Post # 3
@whatdoidoabouthim: I don’t know if I would leave, per se, but I’d have to completely evaluate the relationship. I don’t know if I could still be planning a wedding. Would he be wiling to seek counseling? Did he steal something worth a lot? I am glad he is not asking you to bail him out. If he were my SO, he made his bed, he can lay in it.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2012 - Historic Lougheed House
Do you think he may be a kleptomaniac? Could he have been hiding this from you? Because an adult just stealing out of the blue is kind of random.
My friends boyfriend also started stealing stuff – he is a bit crazy though. I think he actually is kleptomaniac and also bipolar. He was stealing everything from 90 dollar face cream to 30 cent spices at the grocery store. He eventually broke up with his boyfriend and the boyfriend needed to come to face his demons… and now they are back together.
You clearly need to talk to your Fiance and see wtf was running thru his head.
Post # 5
I would get to the bottom of WHY he would feel the need to do this before making any decisions on staying or not. It seems like a pretty stupid move to steal something thats like 5 bucks. Did he just want to see if he could get away with it? Is he bored? Troubled? What does he have to say about this whole ordeal?
Post # 6
@love108: No it wasn’t worth a lot, something like $3 as far as I know, I’ll double check with him later. It was definitely from the grocery store. I’m sure he’ll go to counseling if I ask him to and I am planning on it.
@eagle: I really doubt he’s a klepto but anything’s possible I guess. He has always been very frugal and loves a good deal, clips coupons etc, so I am guessing he has been doing this for awhile and considers it a way to save some extra money. He probably gets a little thrill from it. I don’t know, this is all me guessing. I didn’t want to talk about it over the phone.
Post # 7
@pinkshoes: I definitely need to have a long talk with him. Hopefully we can do that tomorrow. I didn’t want to/couldn’t really get into it with him over the phone. See my response above for my guess as to why he did it.
I’m not even bothered by him stealing, exactly, as much as I am by him risking our relationship. I mean he didn’t really hurt anyone or cost anyone their job, etc, but it’s just like WTF? How is saving $5 worth all this? Of course he prolly didn’t think he would get caught…
Post # 8
I agree with PP about having a serious discussion and evaluating your relationship based on that.
Sometimes people do things that do not make sense… But at least give him the chance to explain and then go from there.
Post # 9
I would figure out what is going on. My sister is a klepto (though refuses to admit it) and steals anything from $200 shoes to a banana. She says its to “save money” but some of the things she steals are just stupid and she has placed her self very close to your FI’s situation many times.
I think you need to talk to him about what he stole and why. Discuss if this is an ongoing thing or the first time. Perhaps councilling would be a good idea.
I agree it is embaressing for you, but likely 200 times more so for him. Be (sorta) gentle on him!
Post # 10
@takemyhand: Thank you, that is really interesting that a klepto might say or even believe that they steal to save money. I suppose that COULD be him although you’d think I would have noticed by now. Who knows…
Post # 11
is he having a hard time in other aspects of life? Is he feeling like he is losing control or that he is settling into a “boring” routine?
Other than the idea that he’s been hiding it statistically an adult stealing out of the blue is probably not what is happening. It’s most likely something he did to compensate for a different aspect of his life.
Either way I suggest you find a couselor for you both to help you work through this situation and the surrounding changes going on in your lives
Post # 12
I am sorry he put you in such an awkward position. All excuses aside, he excercised poor judgement. Such poor judgement that 1) He could potentially be a felon (if they sold stamps). 2) There was such a breech of trust- not just trust between the two of you, but trust in his morals/values and 3) Would you want him to be an influence if you have children in the future?
I am all about forgiving I really am. But to do something such as steal, IMO is stupid, selfish and much deeper than a thrill. If I were you, I would get out before you get more involved. Not only would I be hurt, but I would be so embarassed it would be hard for me to show face to those around me. I hope this didn’t come across harsh, it is not my intentions. But I hope you see the big picture in this. Regardless of his reasoning it was wrong. And dumb. And harmful. This can potentially cause you a fiscal scarring as well (restitution, bail, legal fees). Please, count this as a blessing and get out while you can.
Post # 13
Adults don’t just start stealing randomly, there’s always something else going on. Either he has been doing this for awhile and managed not to get caught, or this was an impulse triggered by other underlying problems. Either way, counseling is in order and a pretty crappy legal mess. Not to mention now he’s put your future as a couple in jeopardy because any job that does a background check will see theft. People who are likely to steal have a very hard time getting hired.
I’m not saying leave, because everyone makes mistakes. I don’t care who you are, we’ve all messed up in our lives. But it’s how he handles this that will show his true character. I wish you well in whatever you decide going forward.
Post # 14
@KatyElle: Thank you. When you say “How he handles this,” what do you mean? Like, what kind of behaviour should I look for from him to show that it’s going to be okay?
I am so worried about future background checks, etc, as well… I wonder if he even considered that?
Post # 15
@mcklough: He has been having somewhat of a hard time, I suppose, but I didn’t think it was anything serious or out of the ordinary. I guess he can explore that in counseling.
Post # 16
@whatdoidoabouthim: Well, when I say that I mean, how well will he do with accepting responsibility? I’d be much more inclined to forgive someone who said “You know what, I made a huge mistake. And now I have to accept the consequences. I am so sorry I ever put myself and those I care about into this situation, and I will be working through this in counseling” (and of course followed up words with actions), than someone who rationalized and made excuses.
People who blame their behavior on others or can’t be honest about their mistakes are often the people least likely to change because they don’t learn anything.
I’ve made TONS of mistakes in life, but I learned from them, and damned if I’ll ever make them again. They were my mistakes, I own them. I mature from them, they don’t define me but I do have to admit them and learn from them.