(Closed) My fiancé watches porn while I sleep. I need help!

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 31
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

Eh? I seem to be the major minority here, but why is this a big deal? You were sick and didn’t want to have sex. He waited until you were asleep so he wouldn’t bother you and took care of himself. To me this seems like the polite, considerate way to handle it.

My Fiance has jerked off in bed next to me when I’ve been awake (and I’m sure when I’ve been asleep as well) on nights when I wasn’t in the mood to have sex. It’s never upset me, and to be honest I never realized that other people would consider this a problem. I am seriously confused.

Post # 32
Member
11348 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He had 350 naked women saved to his phone?!  Not even close to “normal”.

Post # 33
Member
279 posts
Helper bee

I don’t have any problem with porn, but I wouldn’t want my SO masturbating beside me while I’m in bed sick. He could at least go into another room.  I’d be more worried about the Facebook than the porn.  That would make me worry that he might be communicating with some of these girls, or even try to meet up with them.

Post # 34
Member
9397 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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SilverWire:  This part of OP’s post is what some of us find worrisome:

I tried to get him to stop by moving a lot getting close to him making it so I was an option. But no he pushed me away and kept doing it

Even though OP initially may not have been in the mood, it sounds like she then was willing, but her Fiance turned her away.

Post # 35
Member
860 posts
Busy bee

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TheGridMonster:  I read it as she was still pretending to be asleep. I’ve had my Fiance roll onto me in bed before, and my response has also been to shove him off again. I don’t think we can blame him for moving her if he believed she had just rolled over in her sleep.

But maybe I read it incorrectly?

Post # 36
Member
2393 posts
Buzzing bee

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SilverWire:  He wasn’t just jerking off in bed. He was doing it while looking at local women on Facebook. Not generic porn. Not even local porn. Pictures of regular neighborhood women who just had plain old pictures of themselves doing regular things. Women who are friends of friends of friends. I find that very weird and creepy. 

If he were single — then fine, go for it. But he’s in a long term relationship with a woman who he supposedly loves, who was lying right next to him in bed. You don’t find that disturbing at all?

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  .
  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  .
Post # 37
Member
9397 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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SilverWire:  I read “making it so I was an option” to mean that OP was making herself an option sexually (i.e., her or the porn). *shrug*

Your reading may certainly be right, but that was my take.

Post # 38
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

I watch porn more than my fiancee, I think, but it’s not really something we discuss that often. We are long-distance during the work week, so if he watches porn and masturbates, it doesn’t bother me at all. But when we’re together during the weekends, it is all about each other, we are jumping each other constantly and would never consider engaging in that when we’re together. 

Sounds like he is not satisified with your sex life. Try to communicate with him about what he is getting from porn that he isn’t getting from you. Maybe it’s time to spice things up. Monogamy is a tall order for anyone, but monogamy without ever seeing another nude body again except yours is pretty strict. That said, there is no excuse for him to be distracted by porn when you’re right there in the bed, unless it’s something you’re both into watching together, and that doesn’t sound like it’s the case.

I would also put my foot down about looking at girls in your vicinity on Facebook. That is cheater behavior, and there is a very big difference between watching porn and trying to get with real women.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  coachhw.
Post # 39
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

Looking at porn isn’t such a huge deal SO LONG AS you are still having a healthy sex life. He pushed you off of him so he could look at other women?! You do not want to be with a porn addict. This would be a deal breaker for me!

Post # 40
Member
712 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

OP, it’s all in what YOU’RE comfortable with. I couldn’t be with someone who watched porn and I stated that in the beginning. If someone disagrees, I just simply move on to the next. Luckily, I’ve found a guy who agreed that it was ridiculous, especially when we’ve basically lived together from the beginning. For those who do think porn is okay, that’s okay. Just not the relationship for me. I don’t find them disgusting, just a thing I have. I don’t even think it’s considered porn once you start looking at people’s fb profiles.  I find that creepy/stalkerish/peeping Tom-ish. I dont know your Fiance, but it honestly sounds like he may have a problem. If that’s the case, if you choose to stay and marry him, he’ll have to give it up himself. He’ll probably need some outside help with it. None of what he is doing is considered “normal”. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  FutureMrsKHBD.
Post # 41
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. 

Post # 42
Member
3277 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

View original reply
SilverWire:  

Jerking off next to the OP is not what Bees are concerned about. 

It is the blatant disrespect of looking at local women on Facebook and choosing porn over having sex with her. 

Would you be okay with your man pushing you away in order to jerk off to porn instead? 

How about looking at local women on Facebook? 

 

Post # 43
Member
619 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

View original reply
coffeedrinker:  You’re welcome! I watch a lot of TED talks and conferences, and this is really one of the best ones I’ve seen, on such a “taboo” subject.

Post # 44
Member
29 posts
Newbee

I’m a very calm, open person and this would not be ok with me. The fact that he thinks he has the right to get angry at you for being angry with him over this is mind boggling.

I know it’s hard, but he isn’t going to change. You should decide if this is the kind of man you’re ok with being married to.

Post # 45
Member
665 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

OP, this issue really isn’t about porn because your fiance IS NOT watching porn. he’s looking at normal pictures of normal women doing every day things that were posted on Facebook. That’s not porn and those pictures were not created or posted to be approached in that way. You need to find out why your SO is choosing this outlet instead of looking at normal porn and make it clear to him that what he’s doing is incredibly inappropriate. After all, what if another man was doing the same thing to pictures of you?

I don’t want to immediately assume that your Fiance is a sex/porn addict or that he has boundary issues, although it would seem that way because it’s possible that he started doing this because he disliked the artificiality or something of traditional porn. Whatever the case may be, you need to figure out why this is his outlet and you should be concerned by the fact that he does not care that you have expressed a displeasure of this, he does not appear to be willing to compromise or change his behaviour in any way and he is choosing a virtual outlet over you. Now it’s possible that he didn’t want to bother you because you’re sick or that he just wanted to “get off” quickly and not have to involve all of the engagement that sex requires, either way, foregoing a partner for the sake of something virtual is considered a sign of porn addiction so you should be considered. This is a serious issue. Do not ignore it. Talk to him, talk to him, talk to him and try to get to the bottom of things. Ultimately, he may have issues which are too major for you to deal with and things might not work out. I’m sorry if that turns out to be the case but you should be with someone who respects and is fulfilled by you.

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 4 months ago by  papillon20.

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