(Closed) My fiance won't hold my hand in public :(

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: Can you live with out PDA?
    No PDA needed : (27 votes)
    24 %
    I love when my partner holds my hand, kisses me, ect. : (87 votes)
    76 %
  • Post # 2
    451 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Ok you have said you know he was like that but do you know WHY he’s like that? Have you asked him? I would have a talk with him and ask him. Also, let him know how you feel, that it’s something that you really desire especially now that you are engaged and about to be married. He should be able to compromise in some part. Even if it’s starting out small. There is some underlying reason that you should have a right to know about. Every relationship is about compromise. Let him start small and work his way up.

    Post # 3
    1655 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    If he won’t even hold hands with you, you have every right to be upset. Talk to him and see why it’s an issue. I think that’s kind of ridiculous. 

    Post # 4
    1070 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    ๐Ÿ™ I know what you mean.

    I think you need to have a conversation with Fiance, tell him you know he’s uncomfortable with PDA, but it always makes you feel like he’s embarassed to be around you. He needs to know that as much as he wants to be left alone, you want to be together. You have to find a happy middle ground. There has to be SOMETHING he’s willing to compromise on.

    For Fiance and I, we don’t like PDA. But we do enjoy little things like he’ll keep his hand on my leg while he drives. Or he’ll walk close enough to me where we can rub shoulders.

    I hope you find something you both can agree on. It might seem silly to be upset about, but I totally get it. One of the reasons I actually broke up with my ex was because his extreme lack of PDA made me feel unloved and unwanted. It sucks.

    Post # 5
    46596 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Brimuz1992:  He’s not embarassed to be with you. You knew from the beginning that he didn’t like PDA’s, yet you thought he woulod change. It doesn’t work that way. He is who he is, and that’s why you love him.

    Post # 6
    7437 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    I dated someone like that. It totally sucked, and it was a deal breaker for me.

    Post # 7
    213 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    I think this is something I would have brought up before getting engaged. As julies1949 stated, he’s been that way from the beginning and we can’t try to change who a person is and what they feel comfortable doing. It wouldn’t exactly be a deal breaker for me but I’d ask him about it and why he feels that way. 

    If he’s affectionate at home I don’t think it would be that bad but if he was that way even in the privacy of our home…that would be a deal breaker.

    Post # 8
    151 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: May 2014


    Definately talk to him. You should never feel rejected by the one person who is supposed to make you feel the most wanted. What do you want out of a partner? If you want affection in public, hugging, hand holding, expressions of love, there is nothing wrong with that. He should understand how you feel and then love and respect you enough to stop being so hurtful and offhand. All these little rejections build up and they can really bring you down and make you feel lost within a relationship. its no good saying I love you. Actions speak louder than words and they satisfy a whole lot more too  

    Post # 9
    1262 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    Brimuz1992:  that sucks!!!! ๐Ÿ™ I would be so hurt!!

    I get why someone might be like that in the beginning of dating- the awkwardness if what’s appropriate, etc. But I’m sure you were hoping he’d “get used to it” with time. Talk to him. Maybe he can meet you in the middle, and do tiny gestures without beibig mushy-gushy?

    Post # 10
    1710 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    My husband hates PDA too…but he means more of the kissing kind. He willingly holds hands with me in public, but won’t kiss me (besides the very occassional peck). I don’t think of holding hands really as PDA, although I guess it is, but it’s not like it makes other people uncomfortable like maybe kissing or making out in front of them might. I would be hurt if my husband wouldn’t even hold hands with me in public ๐Ÿ™ I wonder why he’s so opposed to it? I get the not making out in front of people thing cuz it makes them uncomfortable…but just holding hands?!

    Post # 11
    246 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2016

    My father’s family does not hug or kiss.  I am personally more that way myself.  It took me a long time to get used to my FI’s need for PDA (yes that includes holdings hands, saying I love you in front of other’s ect…)  Every now and again I tell him to tone it down in front of my family as it makes my father uncomfortable.

    I think you just need to realize that everybody shows their feelings differently.  It’s hard, but maybe he will get used to and maybe he won’t.  Only time will tell if he ever will.  PDA has no bearings on what his true feelings are for you.

    Post # 12
    2580 posts
    Sugar bee

    Brimuz1992:  Does he have any other social hang ups? Is he different at home?

    This seems more like a social issue than being embarrassed by you. I mean, it still sucks and I could not put up with it (i am a very touchy feely person – cuddles and hand holding etc). Does he experience anxiety from it? Or he just doesn’t like it? I think that would help us out a little more on getting to the root of the problem.

    Post # 13
    2122 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014 - DD born 2015 DS born 2017

    Marriage is all about two people meshing together, and being able to compromise is a necessity. You have every right to display your love publicly, feel comforted as you walk down the street, and generally feel loved when out and about! But at the same time your Fiance has every right to feel comfortable in public and not be pushed to do something he doesn’t want to do.


    My Fiance is Japanese and we live in Japan where PDA is a big no-no; I feel so embarassed if I even see tourist couples hugging in public now lol! But we always hold hands in public (that’s a cultural norm now anyway), and then whenever we take an elevator alone or end up down an empty street or stop at the traffic lights in our car we steal a peck. It’s become a game for us being ‘naughty’ in public..

    Anyway, at the *very least* he should be able to compromise on holding your hand again, especially as he used to do that anyway. Communicate with him, but be understanding that he has just as much right to no-PDA as you do to having it. But as an engaged couple you should be able to find a middle ground somewhere. Good luck!!

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