Post # 1
My fiance refuses to get married until after we purchase a home together. Number one, I am not okay with making such a large purchase together without being married. He wants to wait until he can “make sure we’re stable” before getting married. Okay, that’s fine. In fact, I appreciate that. However, I am a grown woman and I can take care of myself should I need to. I want to marry him because he is my best friend. I want to be stable, yes. But I don’t feel I should have to wait until after home-buying to see if we can “make it.” He himself told me that if we wouldn’t be able to make it, then he’d make it work. Then why are we waiting until after the house? This logic makes no sense to me. You make things work one way or another, with or without each other.
We live with my future in-laws (I moved from Vegas to be with him) and he put a place-holder ring on my finger until we can afford a nicer one. I’m happy just being with him, and having that emotional and financial security of both of our incomes going into the same bank account is a nice thought.
Ladies, I’m not sure what’s going on in his mind, and I need your help to decipher why he’s making me wait if he’s willing to do “whatever it takes” in the first place. Even his parents told him he doesn’t have to wait until he moves out to marry me. They drive ME nuts with being told that their son needs to marry me.
He asked if we spend the rest of our lives together, then isn’t that what counts? I then assumed he didn’t want to get married and asked if that’s what he’d prefer and he said, “I want to get married.” Talk about a head rush.
Is my fiance not ready for marriage? Is it because he is waiting to get out of his parents house and wants to feel like a man who can take care of me like it’s the 1950’s?! I’m a grown woman and I can handle myself should anything happen. He is NOT here for my materialistic needs — I need him emotionally and I WANT him to be in my life forever and THAT is why I want to marry him!
Post # 3
Do not do anything you aren’t comfortable with. Marriage is not an ultimatum, buying a house should not serve as a “test run.” It is a huge financial commitment. He should know if he wants to marry you or not without testing the waters through home ownership. I wouldn’t purchase a house without a legally binding commitment either.
Post # 4
@KatyElle: He doesn’t want me to marry him if he can’t “take care of me.” That’s not the point of marriage. I want to marry him because I love him and he makes me happy. I don’t get his logic? :/
Post # 5
Kinda sounds like he is just not ready yet! He has insecurities and perhaps ideals that he would like to happen- putting you two on totally different pages in terms of life, goals, and views on love/marriage.
Post # 6
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
He can “take care of you” in an apartment. That’s just bizarre.
Just like having kids, there really isn’t a “right time” to get married- if you waited until all your ducks got in a row, it would never happen. I lost my job 2 months before Fiance proposed- my life is far from “stable” right now- but life never is.
Post # 7
@katiebeary: There is no logic. Nothing is ever stable in the totally 100% sense of the word. Things happen, owning a home is nice but not always the logical next step before marriage.
Post # 9
@katiebeary: I didn’t really want to say it so bluntly in your last post but no I do not think he’s ready to marry you.
Post # 10
My Fiance has said something similar, that he wants to get married after we both have jobs and have at least 1 car between us. Well obviously it’s a good idea to both have jobs, and to have a car to get to them, they’re things I want to accomplish as soon as possible, but I don’t see what it has to do with being married or not married. I think in both cases they’re thinking of marriage as something you should do after you become an established adult by some measurable standard. It’s just the way they see the progession of life (possibly)
You’re definately justified in not wanting to buy a house with someone before you are married, though. I would explain how you feel about it and I wouldn’t do it if you’re not comfortable.
@rebwana: I agree 100% about if you wait for the perfect time it’ll never come. this is what I want to tell my FI!
Post # 11
Sounds like an excuse to me. I am sorry.
Post # 12
My fiance waited to propose for a similar reason… he really wanted to go into the marriage with a good job, good credit, etc. Not because he wanted to take care of me, but because he didn’t want his credit/finances to hurt mine in any way. He also didn’t want to go into debt paying for the ring and wedding. It took 5 years of dating but he DID propose and we ARE getting married. We do have a house together though that we purchased 2 years ago. It did get really frustrating for me to wait, because like you, I didn’t care about his finances, etc. but everyone is different and you have to respect how he feels.
I can understand how your fiance would want to wait until he/you are at least able to buy a house. Maybe it’s traditional but I don’t see it as a bad thing to want to be husband and wife in your own house? He proposed so obviously he wants to marry you, just when the time is right.
Post # 13
I’m sorry … it doesn’t sound like he really is ready.
I agree with PP’s, buying a house is not a good test run for marriage. You said so yourself, you’re grown and can take care of things on your own, you want to be with him. Mortgages won’t clear the air for him.
Post # 14
Maybe he feels silly spending money on the wedding when you could buy a house with it, so he wants to do that first.
Maybe he wants to live with you (alone, not with parents) but feels silly moving into an apartment (i.e. throwing momey away on rent) when he could live in a house. moving into your own home is one way to get around this.
Post # 15
It really sounds like to me you should talk with him. I can’t really dicipher what his thoughts are. Honestly do you have a date set? If you have a date set, stick with it, and go through all the plans of getting married. If you want to do a quick marriage, get married by a judge. It will be cheper, and you don’t waste all your money on a big fancy reception.Those are just two ideas.
I got a joint bank account with my husband 6 months before we got married. It just made sense. I think that makes complete sense just a few months before you get married.
I think you should out right ask him “Do you want us to have our own place set before we get married?” depending on his answer, tell him you are fine looking at places to rent.
As for financial security, just make sure you can make do on a tight budget. That is what my husband and I have had to learn, him being in School and me just barely starting to work after I graduated.
Honestly he may just not be ready to marry. Or he may just be nervous. And he probably is thinking about how he can “provide” for you. Most men if not all men think that way. Its just cultural honestly. Even if it drives most of us women crazy! (and I’m not saying its right either).
Post # 16
I agree with Current Bee, itt sounds like you need to talk with him and figure out where you both are “at”. This post is confusing!! I know that many men like to have their “ducks in a row” before getting married. Maybe that is what is important to him, but it doesn’t seem like he needs to have you buy a house together before marriage. I’d definitely want to wait to buy a house together once you are married!