(Closed) my fiancee can't make good decisions. WWYD?

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
2211 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

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@ivoryowl:  +1

Money is the biggest problem creator in most marriages, as far as I’ve heard (which makes sense to me!).  I hate to say it, but you said it yourself:  you’ve tried everything to make him responsible with money, and nothing seems to work.  It would drive me nuts to save and scrimp like you have mentioned in other threads and have him just go out and blow a bunch of cash.

It also seems to me that he doesn’t understand how important it is for him to have a steady income like he has now. I’m all for supporting a career change for my Fiance if it makes him happier, but if it means a pay cut, then it needs to be a pay cut that still allows us to pay the bills and save, between our two incomes.  Some sacrifice is acceptable, but being constantly anxious about money is not.

If you marry, nothing will change.  You will be struggling just as much as you are now with money issues, and other decisions he makes with questionable judgement.  You just have to decide if the good outweighs the bad.

Post # 18
Member
2417 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

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@bretonvirgniia:  I don’t know where is getting the idea that temping plus referring is going to bring in the kind of money he thinks. I have a degree and I don’t make $35,000 at one job. I make around $40,000 with both jobs combined.

I would have lost it on him by now. That may be your best option. If he still doesn’t respond, it may be a good time to call of the wedding and cut your losses =/

Post # 19
Member
982 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

If you’ve done everything you can do, and it sounds like you have, you have decide if you want to live this way for the rest of your life. I know I couldn’t. 

Post # 20
Member
2375 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

His behavior is not going to change without a major life upheaval, and it will not change while his mother is still alive and involved in his life.  He has been trained this way for 20+ years, and she is continuing to encourage the behavior.  The question you need to be asking yourself is ‘am I willing to act as the sole breadwinner for our family for the rest of my life?’.  Because you will be.  You will not be able to count on his income, I’d look at it as discretionary/disposable income.  If you’re financially/emotionally willing to do that, then let it go.  Let him do what he wants with his little money on the side, and have him be responsible for date night, movies, fun things.  If you’re not willing to be the sole breadwinner, then I think you need to take a hard look at your relationship.

Post # 21
Member
98 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Well, from your post, it sounds like you have tried everything and he is unable or unwilling to change. To be honest, I’m not sure what to say other than to consider very very carefully your decision to get married. I personally would have zero tolerance for financial irresponsibility. I also don’t believe in ‘love conquers all’…this is a serious situation that will have a life long impact on you. Good luck!

Post # 22
Member
317 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would love to quit my job, find something part time, and take french classes! Oh but wait….I can’t because I’m an adult and I have a responsibility to myself and my husband to keep our bills pay and save for our future. Being an adult sucks, but this is life. It’s his job as your partner to do what needs to be done for the two of you. He needs to understand that it’s not all about him. I’m sure you’d love to work part time too!

Post # 23
Member
11231 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

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@adoc86:  This. You’re just going to have to start treating him like the child he’s stuck being. 

Post # 24
Member
3418 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

I have no real admive, just want to share my experience, 

My Fiance and I put in the same amount per paycheck to keep up the house, bills and our “endulgences”. we put money away everymonth and still come out on top.

I am only a few courses (3 semesters) from getting my MS degree. and am about to quit my day job (still have 1 part time job and a freelancing gig) to put my all into finishing school. But my Fiance is very  unhappy with his job. VERY unhappy. To the point where it effects his heath and our sex life. So We have decided to be very risky and look for new work NOW…at the same time. We are both going to be at new places of employment by the fall and it is PETRIFYING! OMG i am so scared. 

My Fiance doesn’t have a degree (had the same kind of situation you did, OP, living on his own with very little $$) but is serious about being enrolled at a CC before 2013 is up and I think that is great. We are planning to relocate and he needs a degree, damnit! He is too smart not to be college educated. 

Anyway, uncertainty can be scarey but it will work out if you are BOTH in it together. If you do not support his choices (financial or personal) you have to let him know before you get married, cause once your married…that’s it, cement is dry. 

I am sorry you are feeling this way and financial insecurity is not a fun thing to go through. I think the best thing would be to sit him down with the pen and pad and tell him to man up. 

 

Post # 25
Member
2214 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t know what you should do, but this is what I would do: Tell him that if he quits his job, then I’m done. He either needs to get his sh*t together financially or allow you to completely handle the finances without feeling emasculated. These issues won’t go away once you get married, and I know I wouldn’t be happy in this situation. As for what you should do, just ask yourself if this is something you can deal with the rest of your life. If the answer is yes, then let him do what he wants. If the answer is no, then break it off and move on. In the real world, love alone isn’t enough to make relationships work.

Post # 26
Member
9952 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@bretonvirgniia:  If you’re going to stick with him be prepared to “raise” him, in a sense.  You are the more mature partner in this relationship, with more common sense and more life experience.  You have a good head on your shoulders.  You’ve come far.  He is damn lucky to have you.

If you can be patient and work with him, he may be able to make some adjustments as to how he handles finances.  What worries me is he seems to be the type of person who lives with their head in the clouds.  That kind of person usually is a huge burden on their spouse, who tends to be more grounded and level-headed.

I don’t know what to tell you to do, but at least you’re looking at things realistically and not keeping your head in the sand.  You know what you’re dealing with.  It can be workable!  It can be workable, though, IF and only if he is honest with you and never does any financial shenanigans behind your back.  If he starts being dishonest with regard to money I would tell you to walk out on him. 

If he is honest and truthful with you, even if you don’t agree about the finances all the time, that’s ok.  No couple has perfect finances and all couples struggle to a certain degree with gaining financial stability. It’s not easy for anyone.  That said, it takes hard work and commitment, as well as total honesty with each other to come up with a plan that works for both of you.  He can’t keep jerking you around, he needs to work with you as as team of two, or it will never work.

If this man wants to marry you he needs to start shaping up and taking some good advice from the woman who loves him.

Post # 27
Member
3418 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

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@bretonvirgniia:  Sorry to double post, But I have to reply to this “when i handled all he money he seemed resentful and like i was emasculating him.” <– My mom did this. my dad was always out of work and she ended up taking up the financial burden. Hell yeah it emasculated my father, but you know what….HE WASN’T WORKING! 

You want your balls back….they come in the mail with your second paycheck.

Post # 28
Member
2783 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

OK…trying to understand  because there seems to be a weird line of thinking (on his end) going on here:

You said that he wants to quit his job, and take some classes (I’m assuming since you’re in TO he wants to learn french so he can make more), but he also spends like mad…and also complains he doesn’t make enough? Is that right?

If he wants to go back to school, then I think that could be a great idea…if he does it in the evenings and dedicates himself to it. I COULD be wrong, but I think to get a billingual job he’s going to need more than rosetta stone (pretty sure you need a more formal degree).

When you say this stuff doesn’t work…do you mean he doesn’t stick to it, or spends more, or what?

I mean, either way it sounds like he REALLY needs to grow up…didn’t you say in a previous thread he’s had like 20 jobs? He sounds like one of those people who gets all gung-ho on an idea (I’m going to quit my job and learn french!), but the excitement fizzles pretty quickly.If he is unhappy in his job, then by all means he should do something about it. But quitting with no backup plan, and no source of income is not what mature adults do. Sorry bud, but that’s life.

If you’re getting married in five months, the hard truth is he probably isn’t going to change by then…he doesn’t sound like he even thinks there’s a problem…I think you have to figure out if this is something you can live with or not (at least for a few years).

Post # 29
Member
10357 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

@bretonvirgniia:  “Now aside from him being a shitshow with money, he also has issues with responsiblity and making rational decisions.”

Why would you want to base your life on a marriage to a person you can say this about?

I’d run. And not look back.

Post # 30
Member
539 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

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@bretonvirgniia:  I know it is hard when your emotions are involved, but to be blunt, he’s your fiancé, not your husband. I don’t think this is something you “work through.” I think you, as an adult, have to look at him and his decisions critically, and decide if this is the way you want your life to look. You’ve tried helping, so clearly he isn’t changing anytime soon. this leaves you to either accept it and not complain the rest of your life because you knew what you were choosing, or leave him and find someone more responsible.

 

 I’m sorry if this comes off harsh, I don’t mean it to be. I’m sure it’s hard. But don’t let your emotions get in the way of making a huge decision that *will* affect the rest of your life.

 

Post # 31
Member
7309 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Are you okay with marrying someone who behaves like an impulsive child when it comes to finances? I know you started a whole thread stating that you can’t understand how people can have dealbreakers in a relationship. But honestly, love just isn’t going to fix this ish. So you need to open your eyes really wide and accept that this is who he is and who he will quite likely still be in 10+ years. If you can’t accept that, then this may not be the right lifetime commitment for you.

Look, I make no judgements. I am sure he has many wonderful redeeming qualities that you adore. My parents are both wonderful people with absolutely no money management skills. Being bad at one thing doesn’t make them bad people. Since they are both impulsive and encourgage eachother to make questionable financial decisions, it works for them. But if one were responsible, and the other were not, I don’t think their marriage would have lasted.

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