Post # 47
Weren’t you just asking for advice recently because you guys can’t afford your wedding as it is, mostly due to poor financial decisions on his part? And now this? At the very least I’d be postponing the wedding…but ultimately I just don’t think I would want this to be the rest of my life. I’m sorry, OP.
Post # 48
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
“Financial Peace, Revisited” is the one we just loaned out to someone we know. It covers some pretty universal topics. It even has a section on having healthy, productive financial discussions with your partner. Most important to this discussion is that it talks about finding contentment without buying more things and about living below (or at least within) your means. I think those concepts may help your Fiance, if he is willing to receive and internalize them.
Post # 49
thank you. i think i’ll pick it up for him tongiht on my way home.
Post # 50
Awww man 🙁 This situation really stinks.
If you think you may leave him for this in the future, after getting married, give some thought about what that may mean for you. If you are the higher earner, you could get dinged with spousal support. I know you love him, and want to help him, but you don’t want to literally pay for him if you separate. At the very least, look in to a prenup?
I was in a similar situation, though not nearly as extreme. What worked for me as far as educating Fiance about $ was a visual aid. I made a simple spreadsheet, showing him how the ‘little purchases’ added up, and hurt us financially. As it stands, I will still be keeping my finances separate from his, and the home we live in is in my name only. We bought with the thought in mind that I should be able to afford it easily by myself. When your Fiance has aspirations of becoming a European touring musician, it was necessary.
You have some tough and honest thinking to do. Just keep in mind that you are a STUNNER. You could have anyone. Don’t sell yourself short.
Post # 51
OP, my heart goes out to you, because I am in the exact same situation as you. It totally sucks and actually hurts so bad because it seems like the person who is supposed to be your partner is not actually working with you. Two weeks ago I asked my Fiance to move out. He can barely pay his bills. The sad thing is that he’s always been like this but I’ve stuck around for 7 years hoping it would get better. It kind of goes in cycles, good and bad times, but the bad is now outweighing the good. My epiphany moment was – I’d rather work my ass off and sacrifice things for my dreams and not achieve it, than work my ass off and sacrifice but have someone else hold me back. In the 9 months we have been engaged he hasn’t saved a cent towards the wedding.
We started therapy last week. It definitely helped a bit in letting me get things out. As far as whether it will help him, I don’t know but it’s my way of giving this relationship one last shot.
From what you’ve said about his relationship with his mom, you may find therapy helpful. Look into Imago therapy. The therapist we saw touched on how our relationships with our parents as kids kind of define our relationships with adults. Our issue is that he takes on the child role while I’m then forced to take on the adult role. The aim is to identify patterns and behaviours and get both partners to act like adults. Will it work? I don’t know… But like I said – it’s my last shot…
Post # 52
i would never, ever marry someone who didn’t have their shit together financially. and that doesn’t mean rich – that means has a realistic idea of what they can/can’t afford, why saving matters, and how to budget for what they want. never, ever would i marry someone without that.
people divorce and fight over money all the time – money issues cannot be hidden. you will be dealing with them every day, every month, every time a creditor calls, every time you realise there’s no money left over for retirement savings.
his plan is insane – and outrageously selfish. how the eff are you supposed to build a life together when one person wants to constantly slack off and sit around eating croissants/learn french?
no offense, but i’ve read your threads about his work ethic/job issues and it would be totally different if you had a Fiance who was really focused and motivated and could say ‘i’m taking four months off – here’s what it will cost in tuition, lost wages etc. here’s how i plan to save for the next 6 months to afford it, and here’s my plan to get back into working’. from what i can tell – that is not your Fiance.
Post # 53
To be honest, I wouldn’t marry this man. It’s not that he doesn’t make a ton of money – as you said – but that he is irresponsible, lacks ambition (lazy) and is bringing himself down because of it. My husband did not have an established career when I married him (and in fact he’s still working on becoming successful in his chosen profession), but he had the drive and ambition that it takes to become a self-made man and support his family. To me it sounds like you may need to give it one last effort at counseling and then perhaps walk away – even if only for a time. Perhaps a break will give him perspective that he doesn’t have now since you’re the fallback for his bad decisions. Sometimes the only way to help someone who refuses to help themselves is to let them hit total rock bottom.
Post # 54
The things you fight about now are things you’ll fight about for the rest of your life – these problems won’t disappear after the wedding, which I’m sure you know.
Personally, I would tell him that quitting his job would put an end to our relationship, but that’s me. I value personal and financial responsibility in a partner and I personally would not continue a relationship with someone who essentially acted like a child. In my view, loving someone does not mean accepting their irresponsibility, especially when it threatens my own security.
Post # 55
Yeah unfortunately I couldn’t marry anyone like this. Finances play a huge part and if one of you can’t manage to be responsible enough it all goes downhill really quick. FH is not good with money either – I’m definitely the saver out of us and that’s why I will be handling the finances and he is okay with it.
Obviously nothing is working and to me I think you tried everything you could. I understand you want to help him but he needs to get it together himself. If he truly cared about you he would get it together and realize that he will someday have a family to take care of. FH was raised by his mom and is definitely a mommas boy but the one thing I can say she taught him is to never depend on your girlfriend/wife…you need to do for yourself and be able to take care of your family one day and that has always stuck with him. He just recently got a job and is waiting to start work but this entire time he was job hunting trying to get something just so he can at least help with paying for the wedding.
Hope it works out for you! I hate to see this happen especially so close to your wedding.
Post # 56
The problem is not just the money. If it was just money, you could handle the money, he would be OK with that, and things would be OK. The problem is that he just didn’t seem to care, realize what he needs to do to be stable or the consequences of actions he wants to take. Someone that completely off track from my views and goals would have never made it far at all. I would at least postpone until he can shape up. And if he can’t… Love just isn’t enough sometimes, this will keep the both of you miserable if it goes on like this.
Post # 58
Bit of an update:
My fiancee and I had a little conversation a couple of hours ago and he told me he wouldn’t do what he proposed if I wasn’t supportive of that decision. *THANK GOD*
He also just got a phone call from a perspective employer and meets with them on Monday – they have even called all of his references. So that looks promising.
I think that after this is all sorted and the wedding is over, I am going to enocurage him to persue his goals on the side. (I would like to learn French as well).
I wouldn’t say my fiancee is lazy, he iis quite ambitious with the things he loves (sports mostly) and doesn’t enjoy sitting on the couch. I think that he lacks direction and wants the champagne lifestyle on the beer budget. It depresses him to think that he can’t afford everything that he wants for us. He told me how he worries that he will “let me down” – as in because he isn’t rich and can’t buy me jewelery and a house.
Obviously this is an ongoing issue (as you probably learned from this and several other of my posts) but we’re going to try to fix it.
Post # 59
best of luck — its a hard balance. I also more of the breadwinner in our “family” and it can be difficult to balance being the “mom” and saving your sanity (and budget)
one thing that really helped us when FH was underemployed was making a weekly goals/to do list – we would sit down together and each write our own (w some help/input from the other). He would accomplish much more when he wrote the list vs me just giving him a list of “chores” and it made him feel more in control/in charge of his own life. I would definitely prompt him and check in from time to time but it made him feel good to cross things off and get them done, Keep the steps small and very managable bc the point is to be able to cross off tons of stuff and keep motivation up… and example would be instead of saying finish resume maybe put in contact ex boss for recommendation, format resume, finalize job description for XYZ, create goals statement etc – basically just break it down into 15 -30 min tasks that are easy to manage.