(Closed) My fiancee doesn't want our disabled officiant…

posted 4 years ago in Ceremony
  • poll: What should we do?
    Keep the officiant we have. : (47 votes)
    31 %
    Find a new officiant : (100 votes)
    66 %
    other (suggestions...) : (4 votes)
    3 %
  • Post # 3
    4497 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    I think the trickiest part is that she’s your friend’s mom. Is that friend going to be attending your wedding? You could always just say you wanted a different style ceremony. For instance my FI and I went out of our way to find an officiant that would do something short and sweet. Very lightly religious and not long and heavy. If we wanted a ceremony very religious based then we wouldn’t have gone with this pastor – thats just not his style. I think if you say something like this then its unlikely you’ll be further questioned or pushed for details.

    I think its natural that you would want someone to conduct your ceremony that your guests can hear clearly so I wouldn’t feel too bad about that.

    Post # 5
    2378 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I think this one’s pretty simple.  She’s not the person your fiance sees as the one to marry you. You want someone that you have confidence in, that you both are comfortable with.  We’re not having a mic at our ceremony, so our officiant needs to be able to project.  I don’t care if they’re disabled or not, that’s part of our requirement.  I also personally wouldn’t want someone who is difficult to understand – being able to speak clearly and at an appropriate volume is part of the job.  It’s like feeling bad that you don’t want to hire a makeup artist with early stage Parkinson’s. 

    You CAN find a new officiant.  And when questioned, explain that the new person suited your vision better.  Or that you meshed better.  She’s a professional, I’m sure she’ll understand. 

    Post # 6
    4497 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @bretonvirgniia:  Ugh well… ugh. Lol. That is really hard then :-/

    In that case I think it would be really hard to switch without insulting both the pastor and her daughter 🙁

    Post # 7
    3736 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I would want a clear speaker and someone who could stand to officiate the entire wedding. Those are two basic things I think MOST people want in an officiant.

    Post # 8
    1729 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    This is your wedding. Sometimes feelings get hurt n the process. Whatever you do, don’t let them know it’s due to the disability that you’re choosing another officiant.

    Post # 10
    1830 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Disabilities are unfortuante, but real things that can interfere with the ability to do ones job. If her disability is preventing her from doing the job you envisioned her doing for you (in this case, projecting clearly), then you have every right to find a new officiant.

    I would bring it up with the pastor first and just lay it all out on the table. She most likely knows that she slurs words or speaks softly. If she did not have the disability, I’m sure you would have no issue bringing it up.

    Post # 11
    9692 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @bretonvirgniia:  I agree with the PPs – it is your wedding and it is important that you and your FI are happy. You can’t hire someone out of pity or use an official who you both are not comfortable with. It’s a very important day and you want it to be just how you imagined.

    I am assuming you never met this person before you agreed to use them? That’s reason enough – you want to go in a different direction. It has nothing to do with the fact that she has a cane, it has to do with acoustics.

    Post # 12
    4497 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @bretonvirgniia:  I would just come up with something, anything and switch to someone else. You shouldn’t have to settle on this issue. However, please do not tell her its because of her speech/disability. That would be extremely insulting and hurtful, plus it could be something she’s already self conscious about. Its your wedding yes, but I disagree with some of the PPs that imply that its okay to disregard her feelings in the process of finding someone else.

    Post # 14
    680 posts
    Busy bee

    This is a tough one. You could always put the blame on someone else for choosing someone else (in other words, lie your pants off) to save their feelings. Say your mom/dad/grandpa/grandma/uncle/aunt/brother/sister/cousin threw a fit about you two being married by a woman and to keep the peace you are going to go with someone else. I’m not saying that it isn’t ok that a woman marries you… I’m just putting that out there as a scenario that you could use to not hurt anyone’s feelings. The downfall with lying though is that you have to remember and maintain the lie in this situation…forever lol.


    ETA: I don’t like the way that the above sounds because it’s totally sexist and goes against what I believe. But I tried. 🙁 I hope it works out for you.


    Post # 15
    3462 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2012


    Fiance – engaged man

    Fiancee – engaged woman

    I thought you were a same sex couple initially because you used the wrong terminology!  Fiance(e) comes from French which is why the e matters.

    Onto your question.  I think you have to decide if it’s worth it enough to bite the bullet and make the change.  I will say I don’t actually remember much of what the officiant said, and more what we said and moments.  (Well, ok it’s still a long-standing joke how badly she mangled the Hebrew she claimed she could read.  We should have just insisted it wasn’t necessary for her to read it, or let one of the fluent Jewish friends do that.)

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