Post # 1
I have been with my fiance for 4 years as of today. We have been engaged for two and lived together for 3.5 years.
I have a 7 year old son from a previous relationship with a very present dad, and he knows my fiance as just that, and doesnt believe him to be his dad.
We got engaged new years 2 years ago. We set a date for this past June. So I went to planning. Bought my dress and the bridesmaid dresses booked the venue ,got excited and told everyone etc.Everything except the invitations… A few months prior he said ” I ran away with things and he wasnt sure he wanted to get married then or not, and he was feeling trapped into the wedding” so we canceled that date.
It left alot of pain , humiliation , and uncertainty that has been lingering. He now says he will get married sometime in 2014 but he keeps putting it off. He will not set a concrete date.He says that I scare him. I am not sure what that means. He is almost 30 and I am almost 29. When we met I told him that I had no desire to have kids after 30, he currently doesnt have any children.
He was raised Mormon , so everyone he has been surrounded by his entire life is happily maried, and they dont really like that we live together without being married. He says he definatly loves me and definatly wants to get married but is not ready. I am his first everything basically. he has had other girfriends but nothing intimate and has never lived with them etc.
Has anyone held on through this and ended up married in the end ? ? Do some guys just take a long time to ” be ready”. I love him , he is my best friend and the love of my life. But I feel as if we already have everything like a marriage accept the actual legal marriage and the same last name. I feel as if I really were the girl he wanted to marry this wouldnt be so hard for him and he would feel ready. That he would want it, and he would be pushing for marriage as hard as me. The last four years are gone and I cannot get them back , do i keep holding off and waiting , year after year or do I walk away despite how completely I am in love.
I feel . . because he is so hesitant. . . . . That Maybe I am not the girl for him.
Anyone have any friendly advice. Please dont be mean . . I have tortured my poor brain enough .
Post # 3
The line in your post that really stuck out: He says that I scare him.
I don’t really know what that means either, but you better find out. After 4 years he shouldn’t be “scared” to be with you. I would discuss these feelings with him and tell him that it really hurt you when he called off the wedding and that you are scared that HE is scared of you.
Post # 4
I know my reply may not be a popular one…
BUT at almost 30, and having 4 years in… and no real end in sight (despite the ring)… I’d be making plans to walk.
Call his bluff.
At this point in time he knows you. He knows where you stand (and your LIFE PLAN). He is clearly running out of excuses.
Either he loves you and wants to make it permanent, or he doesn’t.
Not that you can give him an ultimatium or force him to change his mind.
You just need to move on with YOUR LIFE… especially if you hope to be in a relationship where you have kids & a family together with someone in your future.
Walking you are moving in THAT DIRECTION (being true to yourself)
With or without him… at that point the choice is his to make. Period
Either way I think you come out ahead… (not to mention keep your self respect)
— — —
EDIT TO ADD – As oneofthesethings: was posting at the same time I was. She is right, WHEN a man makes up his mind to marry… they typically are in a rush to do so. It is us gals who typically have to show em down if we want to have any sort of a bigger / family type Wedding. You WANT and DESERVE a man who is keen to make you his wife… and get on with having a wonderful life with you. Maybe this guy is it… maybe he ain’t. But what you are doing now clearly isn’t working / making him feel that he NEEDS to make marrying you a priority. (Sounds clearly out of Greg Behrendt’s Book… “He’s Just Not That Into You” and the Chapter entitled “If He’s Not Marrying You”)
Post # 5
You certainly aren’t expecting too much too soon. 4 years is plenty of time, especially when you’re 30-ish. I can’t tell you what you should do, obviously, but I would want to be with someone who couldn’t wait to marry me! In fact, I am – we got married 4 months after getting engaged (which was 7 months after we met) because neither of us wanted to wait another minute to be husband and wife.
Post # 6
If you “scare” him and he wasn’t ready to get married, he shouldn’t have proposed. I agree with
@This Time Round: time to call his bluff. Move forward with your life.
Post # 7
@This Time Round: +1
You “scare” him? Then he shouldn’t have proposed. He obviously has little idea what he wants out of life, but I feel like he knows deep down that he doesn’t want a future with you.
I’d pick up an Apartment Guide next time you’re out. Continuing to live with him and give him all the benefits of being his wife, without you having any of the benefits of being his wife, is really unfair to you, and as the resentment builds, will be unsustainable in the long run.
Post # 8
thanks so much.
i wasnt sure if I was being unfair to him by not giving.him.enough time , etc.
I love him very much . but I also respect myself and for the last four years Ive been “good eniugh for now..but jot good enough to marry” , basically that is what all of this has made me feel like :.
I believe it is time I move on. As someone said……. he SHOULD want to marry me as badly as I want to marry him. and he should be excited about it not excusing it and putting it off. thanks ladies !!!!
Post # 9
TO @curiousaboutitall: Ah Hon, I know it is difficult… (( HUGS ))
Take care of you…
I see that this is your first post here on WBee… but do know that “the Hive” is a great place to hang out (wonderful group of women)
And now that we’ve met you… I can assure you that many of us will care about how you get thru all of this… so do feel you have somewhere to come if you need to talk.
Otherwise… don’t feel that this is JUST a Wedding Planning Website… you can certainly check out the many other BOARDS on here… it is a wonderful social network for women in many different points in their lives (Independents / Dating / Waiting / Engaged / Married… and even a few Divorcees… are Bees)
Something for everyone.
Post # 10
+1 to all of the responses from the other Bees. Your Fiance is clearly not planning to make your relationship “permanent” anytime soon. This would not be such a problem if you all had agreed to this arrangement or he was honest about his intentions, which he has not been. I would definitely think about moving on, because you DESERVE happiness and you DESERVE someone who makes you happy and is not running from commitment.
Post # 11
I’d leave. You’ve been engaged 2 years and he’s saying he feels trapped into getting married after he proposed to you? If it’d only been a week or a month maybe, I’d say maybe give him some time to get used to everything. But two years?!?!? It’s time to move on. He probably doesn’t want to get married and just asked so you wouldn’t leave. My uncle did this to one of his girlfriends and she stuck things out for a few years, only to realize he never wanted to get married again. At 30 this man should know what he wants, and if he’s unsure still, giving him more time won’t change things.
Post # 12
He has had enough time to figure out if you were the one. Men are visual creatures so if he hasn’t determined whats up yet I’d leave, especially since you’ve canceled the wedding once already.
Post # 13
“I believe it is time I move on. As someone said……. he SHOULD want to marry me as badly as I want to marry him. and he should be excited about it not excusing it and putting it off. thanks ladies !!!!”
Is it possible? What will be your first step? Find an apartment or ask him to leave?
Then you may have to be prepared for his pleading because he wants to keep life as is – “OK I’ll marry you, just give me more time, I’ll have a date to you next week!”
I’d still go at that point.
(Actually a date comes when you go to a venue and book the date with a deposit – that’s how you get a wedding date!)
Post # 14
TO @sienna76: true enough.
There is the possibility of the guy will end up begging, pleading and negotiating with her. Then she’ll be faced with a NEW dilemma.
Like you, I’d probably still go.
I mean I wouldn’t want to marry a guy who ONLY decides he wants me once “the rubber hits the road”…
I’d want to marry a man who would move heaven and earth to make it so… because he truly wants it to happen (not that he literally had to… just knowing it is his primary driving force in life would be enough)
Here is a great story… about a man truly in love…
I have a Girlfriend, who’s guy proposed… and the next day planned the whole Elopement / Destinatiion Wedding / Honeymoon himself for a few months down the road … she just had to show up. He did this because she has a super busy life… and he didn’t want her to be stressed out about the Wedding Plans… all she had to do was buy a dress… a few honeymoon items, and pack. She said it was frickin amazing, because it was like a fairy tale their whole Elopement & Honeymoon. Soooo pampered. She is one lucky gal, her guy is awesome, he loves her to bits, and is so proud to be her Hubby. They are such a cute couple. THIS IS WHAT TRUE LOVE is supposed to look like… a man that really wants to marry his AMAZING Woman and willing to do anything to make it so.
Post # 15
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
Engaged for 2 years (together for 4 and you’re both turning 30) and he still won’t commit to a date? I would start making plans to move out and move on. If you sit around for another 2 years waiting to set a date, where will that leave you? He can’t even discuss the possibility of marrying you in the next 365 days (or a reasonable period of time after that) so I argue vehemently that he truly does not want to marry you but has no idea how (or he lacks the balls to) tell you that he doesn’t want to marry you. Actions speak louder than words and he has told you everything you need to know.
Post # 16
You scare him? What the heck?
That would be enough for me to walk, but I can’t tell you what to do really.