(Closed) My fiancee has a secret money stash and it bothers me.

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
5242 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@bretonvirgniia:  My fiance does the same thing and it drives me crazy! I have a steady job right now while he does not. He works on cars on the side and I know he gets extra money but I never see any of it unless I ask and it drives me nuts so I know exactly how you feel! My fiance is also not great with finances and I have taken over in that department as well.

Post # 4
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

If you guys agreed to joint finances, then I’d think all finances should be joint — no secret stashes!

We have joint checking and savings, and we’re talking about each getting a checking account for discretionary purchases and putting a set amount for each of us in that account each month, so then we don’t have to worry about whether either person’s discretionary purchases are coming out of the budget that pays for bills and whatnot.

That might be something you guys could adapt, but I definitely wouldn’t be okay with that kind of behavior. It’s not fair, and it doesn’t help you guys move toward your goals. 🙁

Post # 7
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@bretonvirgniia:  Yeah I totally understand what you’re saying. I’m more of a saver than my husband, and I told him that if we do these accounts and he uses up his monthly amount…well too bad. He has to wait till next month. 😉

If you don’t mind me asking, where is he getting the $$$ for his secret stash? If you’ve taken over finances, I’m assuming he’s got a cash flow that isn’t directly deposited into your accounts?

You’re totally right. $20 here and $40 there really adds up, especially if you’re scrimping on necessities like groceries!

Post # 8
Member
2638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2006

It would bother me a lot. What would I do? I’d harp on it so hard he wouldn’t be able to brush it off.

I don’t always give the best advice.

Post # 10
Member
1475 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

Ugh! Same problem with my fiance. I have a stable job and income and try to budget our monthly expenses. I NEVER spend money on myself either. He makes significanly less than I do because he is in school, however he is always going out to buy lunch, stopping at convenience stores to grab something. Those purchases add up! So frusterating!

Post # 11
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@bretonvirgniia:  Ugh, that’s so frustrating. I’m sure you’ve had this conversation before, but any way to make him shut that account down and instead have the $ go into your joint account?

The cash part is really difficult. Would it get through to him if you told him that he’s ultimately creating a pretty serious trust issue? If you’re putting 100% of your income into your joint funds, he can’t be skimming off the top of his before contributing.

Post # 14
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

I cannot tell you how to manage your finances but I can share with you how I manage mine.

My Fiance didn’t manage his money well before we moved in and my father never managed money well. My mom taught me how to manage a household. So when we moved in together we figured out how much of our paychecks we had to put up each week to keep the house afloat (rent bills and food) this is #X. anything left after X each week is ours to play with. that is the only thing that seemed fair. 

for example…our magic number is $230 a paycheck each (NYC). that pays for EVERYthing. W

We have recently figured out the magic number for wedding saving is #300 a month. Still figuring out how we are going to impliment that without me seeming like the Gestapo

Post # 15
Member
11747 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t really see the problem to be honest. it’s not like he’s telling you you can’t spend any of your hard earned money on y ourself then going and doing it.  How would you react if he put all his money in but still took the $20 out for himself after the fact? Would you be upset? Maybe he feels like he’d have to ask permission to use his own money? Not sure, but I see no reason why you guys can’t both have a little money to yourselves.  I’m a big proponent of having some money joint and other money still separate. 

Post # 16
Member
3420 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014 - Manhattan Church Rec Center

@bretonvirgniia:  And it is possible to emasculate him. My mom has been doing it to my dad for 30 years! but what do you expect when a man cannot manage money and you have to do it for him. 

I remember being 12 when my mom sat me down with a legal pad and showed me how she made the house budget. she said “I have to show you because your father doesn’t know how to do anything.”

Dad has anger problems now because he thinks no one thinks he can do anything.

it is a slippery slope

Post # 17
Hostess
16191 posts
Honey Beekeeper

@MrsWBS:  I totally agree with you there! If I were in her situation, my problem would more be that he’s doing it in kind of a sneaky way.

The topic ‘My fiancee has a secret money stash and it bothers me.’ is closed to new replies.

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