Post # 1
I am not extremely materialistc…I like nice thnigs just as much as the next person but I don’t expect extragavent gifts.
My fiancee and me have combined our incomes. I make about $9600 more than him per year however he referees soccer and makes up about half the difference through that. We also have some seperate spending money.
My fiancee and my birthday are a week apart so we agreed that we would use our spending money to buy each other gifts. We decided on a min/max of $100 per gift.
I had a better paycheque than usual and got a tax refund from the government and knew my fiancee really wanetd a Blackberry playbook. It was about $170 but I knew it would useful and decided to buy it for him.
My birthday was first and I got a necklace. a $40 cheap necklace. I know that my fiancee had refereed all week and easily spent over $200 on himself (gambling, drinking with his friends, whatever) and only spent $50 on my gift. a month later and I can’t even wear the necklace because the coating is peeling off the heart charm :/ He was sweet and got it engraved with our names but you can hardly tell anymore because the quality is such shit.
After my birthday I gave him his gift a week later and I could tell her felt pretty bad about me spending so much. He would never admit that he only spent $40 but I know he did because I was looking at the SAME necklace for my bridesmaids…(but decided they looked too cheap)
I know this may come across as petty but this is actually the first year he has ever got me anything for my birthday….Previous years we travelled instead. I guess I expected more from him. I don’t doubt the amount of love/thought he put into the gift but I know very well that he spent the rest of the money on his own indulgences which is the part that upsets me.
Would you be upset? Am I being ridiculous?
Post # 3
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
It would be hard for me to not be upset…. Not sure if its right though… For me its the fact that he spent such a small percentage of his extra mony for that month on my once-a-year birthday. Im more than after thought and I hope gifts to me reflect that. Now, if it was something that cost $20 but took him 10 hours to make/ put together Id be ok so it isnt a money thing for me…. :/
Sorry lady, that sucks.
Post # 4
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
Some people just are not good gift givers. Rather than being bummed, use this as a learning experience. Now you know that you need to give him a specific list of what you deem appropriate for gift-receiving. Or maybe travel is the best gift you can give one another. And maybe you will be the one in charge of gift buying for family in the future. If he gives you a sub-par gift, chances are high that his gift giving for others is equally misguided.
Post # 5
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
We don’t do gifts because neither of us are any good at figuring out what to get for the other person. So we go on trips together for Christmas and birthdays (since my birthday is at Christmas it makes it even easier.) I have never had a boyfriend good at giving gifts so I found the travel solution to work best for me.
Post # 6
I would be slightly upset, mostly because you agreed on spending around $100, and he didn’t even spend half of that, so he knew you would be spending twice what he did. If he didn’t want to spend a lot on gifts, he should’ve piped up and told you he’d prefer a $50 gift limit or something.
Is this a one time thing, or does he have a pattern of selfish behavior when it comes to money? Now that your finances are joined, you really need to deal with this if it’s going to be a recurring problem.
Post # 8
@beachbride1216: Yeah, my Darling Husband is bad at gifting, too, but he usually just buys a little something he thinks I’ll like, then gets me a GC for the rest of his allotted “budget”. For instance, last Xmas, he got me Dior mascara (because, when we carpooled, I used to always do my makeup in the car on the way to work and complained about clumping), then got me a $80 VS GC, because we’d agreed to spend $100…he wouldn’t short change my gift just because he can’t think of something, that’s kind of crummy.
Post # 9
I would be a little upset too… not because of the amount spent as much as the genersl situation for you two. But sometimes people are HORRIBLE gift givers, especially guys. I think it is more that than anything. Sorry sweetie! Maybe next time help him by telling him specific things you want, or by finding a non-gift alternative way of celebrating.
Post # 10
@les105: He is extremely selfish when it comes to money but that is a whole other story. I am now 100% in charge of all finances and he has ZERO access to any accounts. He has a gambling problem unfortunately and it has gotten out of control.
This happened last month when he was “allowed” to keep his own money. Now he gives me every dime and he gets a daily allowance. Also seeking counselling…:S
It’s really bad though. For example we just went to Europe and missed out flights home. We had to shell out $1300+ on new flights and on the flight home I fell asleep…during which time he bought 5 beers and 2 snacks…$60!!! He couldn’t fathom why I was SO upset! Really!? REALLY!!! I was so mad at the airport.
So yeah basically we are financially screwed. I need to baby him and control all of our funds until he can get it together….which may be never. 🙁
Post # 11
I do not think you are wrong to feel bothered. I see a few things here:
1. You have GOT to work out how you’re going to manage money together. You’ve still got 11 months until the wedding, but it sounds like you both have really different expectations and values about money and how it is spent. I’d really recommend going through some sort of financial preparation together during this time of engagement. Money is a big factor in fighting and disatisfaction. Fiance and I are very much on the same page about money and even we have identified some areas where we are going to have to change and flex to work together on money as a married couple. We went through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University, but I am sure there are other resources or books you could use to walk through how to handle money together in the future.
2. Gifts — I’m very hard to buy for!!! I don’t want a lot (and am picky on what comes into my home), and I usually buy what I want for myself. Fiance has tried really hard but gifts just aren’t his strongest point, especially when you consider how hard I am to buy for. We talked about it and are considering doing a small limit gift for Christmas and birthdays (like $40) and/or making our gift to each other to travel or buy something big we pick out together. It works really well because our birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, and Valentine’s day will be all lumped together in a big group. Now, this only works because it works for both of us. That might not be the answer for you – but the answer is for sure communication and very very clear expectations. It sounds like you did that to me with the limit, but he didn’t get the message. Did he maybe think that was a max only, not a target?
Good luck!! Keep the communication going and be clearer/more explicit than you think you need to be.
Post # 12
my husband always gives me the same thing, a $200 gift card to a salon/spa I frequent and I know he does that because he doesn’t like picking out things. He also works for a high end watch manufacturer, so I do sport two very expensive watches, but I got to pick them out (and even with his employee discount, we are talking $300 for the first one, and around $800 for the second)
He is generous in other ways, so the gifts don’t really matter to me.
Post # 13
@bretonvirgniia: Yeah, SERIOUS red flags there with the money issues and gambling. Put the brakes on wedding planning until you can get in to see a professional pre-marital counselor and be 100% upfront about these issues.
It sounds like the gift issue is a symptom of the problem, not the problem.
Those money issues will take down your marriage faster than you can even imagine. I would not marry someone with an uncontrolled gambling problem and I’d be really cautious about not becoming “mom” that holds the purse strings and he doesn’t have to participate at all but gets to gripe about money in the future.
I’m so sorry! You are dead on with counseling and how big of an issue this is. This CAN BE a very legitimate deal breaker. It’s better to deal with the hard stuff now – it only gets harder later.
Post # 14
- Wedding: June 2017 - Vegas Wedings
@bretonvirgniia: Oh wow. That airport thing shows how he really truly doenst understand money. WOW. All I can say is Im sorry and that Im very glad to hear you are in counseling.
Post # 15
@bretonvirgniia: It sucks to spend money on someone to have their gift to you not be as nice it’s happened to me a lot in the past. With that said, I would mention that it was peeling and maybe if he sees how poorly made it is, combined with the guilt of you buying him the playbook, he’ll get you something else and make up for it?
And if he doesn’t react that way, let it go for now. For next time around, what if each of you come up with a list of items you want that are under $100. That way you each get something you want and it’s fair but he can’t cheap out and you won’t over spend.
Post # 16
@NAvery: I appreciate your advice, however I think putting the brakes on the marriage isn’t neccesary. My fiancee has admitted his problems to me and wants my help. He has confided in me and knows that he doesn’t want this to be an issue in our marriage and futhermore in our family.
Having an alcoholic father and a non-drinker mother proved to me that YES problems exisit and will always exisit but as long as you communicate and are there for each other then it IS possible to work it out. If this means putting the locks on the bank account, like my mom dumping the rum down the sink, so be it. In my fiancees defense, we ALL have our unique problems. I am not addicted to anything but I have my very own complicated issues and he has been more than patient with me.
I don’t think it’s fair to say that this will “take down our marriage”. I think that his willingness to overcome this problem is showing a huge step forward for him and ultimately we will get through this together.