Post # 1
Hi everyone, this is my first time posting, but I’ve followed this website for a while and I love the community, so I hope someone could help me analyze my current situation because I’m very confused at the moment.
I’ve been on a long distance relationship for more than 3 years and then in February my boyfriend moved to my city because we decided to get married at the end of this year.
For the past 10 years he has always worked in his family business, and his plan is also to open something together after the wedding. But for all these months he has not seriously started searching for a new business, because he said that we had a lot to do before the wedding and it wasn’t the right moment, which is kind of true, but I’m the one who is doing most of the planning anyway, while working a full-time job, and we just go together to the appointments.
I asked him several times if he would like to at least get a part-time job, but he says that in that case we wouldn’t have much time to spend together, and he wants to enjoy this opportunity after many years of long distance. At first I agreed with him, but now that the wedding is approaching, I’m starting to worry, how long should I wait? Everytime I bring this topic up we end up arguing and he says that I stress him too much. I’m very torn because he has always been a hardworking guy, I think he is confused because he moved to a new city and doesn’t know where to start, what should I do to help him get out of this phase?
Post # 2
He is making BS excuses. I would tell him that not seeking work whilst unemployed is not an option, and that he needs to be taking all steps to secure a job, any job.
Post # 3
Uh, what exactly is he doing all day while you work full time?? He can’t find a day job as well? It’s not like you are spending time with him all day, every day. Unless he is independently wealthy, how is he paying bills/wedding costs? He sounds like a lazy git who only wants to work for his family business and is giving you every lame excuse under the sun.
Post # 4
reiko89 : If he has been working hard for the past 10 years, and money isn’t a massive concern, I’d be supportive of some time off. There aren’t many opportunities that allow a more natural break from work, and when they arise (usually in between jobs) I’m all for taking advantage of them. Sometimes you need to be bored for a bit (especially if you were burnt out from your last job) to get the creative juices flowing and get the motivation for a new endeavor. If he has shown himself to be a hardworking man in the past, I’d trust him.
If he is like this post honeymoon, then I’d start to be concerned.
Post # 5
If he has the financial means to take a bit of downtime when moving to a new city, helping plan a wedding, getting to see more of you after being LD, I can understand that. For about 2-4 weeks. But it’s September now and he’s been doing this since February?!?! Even if he can afford to do so (personal savings &/ or family money) it doesn’t bode well that he’s content to sit on his ass for months on end.
He’s being soft and spoiled with himself if he thinks attending a few wedding appointments with you gives him a free pass to not work- how much help do you think a guy like this will be as a married partner to you Bee? Are you going to come home from your full-time job, pick the kids up from daycare, throw a load of laundry on while you start dinner while he relaxes on the sofa because he’s taking a well earned break from his fifteen-hour-a-week job?
Sorry Bee, but do you know for certain (other than what he’s told you) how much this guy put into the family business? Was he working his ass off for them or did he coast along because he could get away with more? I find it troubling that your efforts to talk to him haven’t phased him at all. Is there any way you could slow down wedding planning, spend more time together maybe even live together for a bit, so you know what you’re getting into here.
Post # 6
reiko89 : i would postpone the wedding until he finds a job….
Post # 7
Is he contributing equally to your joint expenses? How is he doing financially? Have you guys had a talk about managing money after marriage, sat down with your Mint accounts and looked at each of your assets, or made joint financial goals? I think this is your first step if you haven’t done it yet.
If he ran a successful business for years and has a solid financial footing and is still able to contribute equally to expenses despite not working currently because he’s figuring out his next move in a new city, then I don’t necessarily think taking some time off to explore is a bad thing. On the other hand, if you’re supporting him and it’s putting strain on you, that’s a problem. Likewise if he’s not on solid financial footing — if he has debt or doesn’t have a solid emergency fund, investments, reitrement account, etc. — but is still not pursuing work, then it’s a problem.
Post # 8
You say he’s always been a hardworking guy – so this behavior is very strange. I would be sympathetic if he was at least trying to find a job, but it sounds like he’s just lounging around not even making an attempt….since february!? I think we need more info. Does he have a bunch of money saved that he’s using to help contribute to expenses?
In any event you really do need to get to the bottom of this before you get married. If he has been hard workign in the past, hopefully this is just a fluke caused by him being intimidated by starting over in the new city. But he needs to understand that you expect him to help contribute financially (if that’s the case!) and that this can’t go on indefinitely.
Post # 9
Thank you everyone for your responses. He has some savings, actually he is the one paying for the whole wedding, so he definetely isn’t the type who would ask me to support him financially, but the fact is, as most of you say, I can’t accept to see him getting by like this anymore, it’s not that he is a billionaire and can afford to live like this forever, and even if I could, I would not let myself live like this. I’m kind of a workaholic and I grew up in a family that taught me that you have to work hard in everything you do and take nothing for granted.
We always talked about opening our own shop after getting married and work together, but since now I’m working full-time, he is the one in charge to look for it, but he is not putting much effort into it, as if we have all the time in the world.
I even started to send his CV around and I think I got him a part-time job, but he was not very enthusiastic about it, it feels like he is doing me a favor, it really bothers me! I’m really tired and confused, I don’t know what to say anymore…
Post # 10
reiko89 : Bee, if you’re LD for most of this, you haven’t seen him in his home environment. I’ve been in a LDR previously and while of course they can work, there is also that extra caution there when you first make the leap from LDR to same-city, because so much of what has gone on before is simply what you’ve been told. You don’t see the day-to-day first hand nor interact as often with his family and friends. He could log online freshly showered at 10 pm and say he just put in a 14 hour day at work or just got in from his rugby match when truthfully he was playing x box and eating Doritos the last 6 hours and showered before he logged onto Skype or Facetime and told you what would impress you. I’m not saying this is the case, but it’s something to consider.
I find it hard to believe a hard-working go-getter would turn into a couch potato you have to send out CVs for in such a short span. Even allowing him time to adjust to a new city, enjoy some time with you, go to a handful of wedding appointments, the novelty would have worn off by now and someone with a driven work ethic would be going stir crazy. It’s odd that he hasn’t looked into this new business he wants to start with you, I’d think he should be excited about it as part of this new chapter of your lives together.
Sorry Bee, but I’d be side-eyeing how much he claims he did for the family business. He may be a lazy entitled man-child who took advantage of slacking off in a family owned business while reaping the financial benefits rather than the dynamic go-getter he professed to be from a distance when it was easier to pull the wool over your eyes. Tread cautiously here Bee.
Post # 11
I would never be with a man who wouldn’t work, unless he was disabled or actively searching for a job due to a lay-off.
Post # 12
I’m sorry OP, but if he’s really a hard worker I think he’d be putting in some serious effort to find work. My SO has been unemployed since March and hates it. He’s been applying to places and going on interviews like crazy. He’s also taken over all of the household chores and projects, etc.
Maybe give your guy the benefit of the doubt that he just needs a few months off …. but I’d still be having a serious talk with him at this point.
Post # 13
To give him the benefit of the doubt after your update, is it possible that he’s depressed? Moving to a new city and being isolated from friends, family, & routine can be a stressful and depressing time for a lot of people, and would help explain his apathy. If he was in fact a really hard working guy before, then looking into whether there is a reason he suddenly changed could be helpful. Either way, I think counseling could help you guys resolve what the issues actually are before you get married.
Post # 14
reiko89 : Have you met his family and talked about his job at the family business? Do you have access to his bank accounts? His excuses don’t make sense, and when something doesn’t make sense it’s because there’s missing information. What is the most likely answer that would make sense in this situation? To me, the most likely piece of missing info is that he doesn’t want to work and thinks you’re his meal ticket. Maybe it’s something else, but right now you don’t know because he’s not telling you. “I can’t get a job because then we can’t spend time together” is BEYOND ridiculous. Think about how it. Every other couple in the world manages. Note how this specific excuse is designed to make it seem like he’s making a sacrifice for YOU. He’s hoping you’ll think, “oh how sweet, he can’t bear to be away from me!” and that will stop you from thinking about how utterly absurd it is.
Do you two live together now? How well do you know him based on what you yourself have seen rather than what he’s told you throughout the LDR?
Post # 15
I’ve bene in s asimilar situation. Me and my boyfriend were close distance and then due to life we continued out life in a long distance relationship. We mutually agreed to close the distance by him moving to where I live. Once his contract at work had ended he packed his bags and came to my apartment. He likes earning money and enjoys a job. When he had settled a bit he looked though some work websites and I sent him links. He always ha resons on why the work was not goodenough and he didn’t seem interested in any of the jobs. I pushed him to talk and in the end he admited that he didn’t want to relocate. He liked the idea of being together where I lived but the reality was different. He moved back, got a job and got back to his old self.
Based on this there are a few options. One is that he loves you and wants to be with you but doesn’t actually want to be in that place. He might not een know it yet and therefore giving excuses. It’s possible that he needs time to adjust to the idea or both of you relocate to somewhere else. Moving and trying to find a new job is stressfull and he even might be a bit depresses.
My advise is to communicate and don’t push him with this wrk thing too hard. I really don’y yhink this is one of those “you can’t know a person if you are in an LDR” thing. It’s a massive change to move somewhere to be with someone and leave everything behind.