(Closed) My fiancee looked at tranny porn and replied to craigslist ads…

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1630 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I have no idea what to tell you…I guess if you’re willing to rebuild your trust then that is a good thing. I personally think I would constantly have to have one eye open and that would be pretty draining.

Post # 4
Member
8369 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

If you have doubts (which thinking what if I am wrong is) then this will eat you alive.

You need to work out if you do/can trust your SO again and if not then you need to not get married.

Post # 5
Member
1850 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

first, men who look at tranny porn dont normally identify as gay. gay males arent interested in tranny porn because the star appears female. tranny porn is a huge market for straight males. i learned this somehow…lol.

your fiance is straight but he has a rather interesting kink.

Post # 6
Member
5405 posts
Bee Keeper

@anongal:  yikes. In your shoes, I don’t think I could go through with marrying him. Not only is there an issue of potential infidelity but also of sexual confusion. I would think long and hard before marrying him. Sorry you are in this position, but remember you control your life and can make decisions to change the outcome. 

Post # 7
Member
435 posts
Helper bee

@anongal:  

It sounds like he’s probably bi.  It also sounds like he’ll cheat on you.  Eventually emailing people won’t be a thrill for him anymore and he will take it to the next step.  Either you need to have an open relationship and let him explore this side of himself, or you need to call off the engagement.  Sorry 🙁

Post # 8
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

I’m sorry.

I don’t think your Fiance is gay, I think he is bi/fetishy.

That’s not the problem….

I’m sorry because the problem is that I doubt he will always be faithful, even if he hasn’t outright cheated… yet.

Post # 9
Member
14 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: January 2014

it wasnt gay porn, that would be a red flag. think things through n i hope you set all this aside before the wedding 

Post # 10
Member
2106 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If you’re still wondering, why did you go through with the engagement? Sort out all your doubts before you marry him. 

If he is still curious about trannies and still wants a thrill, this could escalate. He can be into straight women and transectuals at the same time. Old love letters from ex girlfriends mean jack. Who is to say he wasn’t trolling for trannies while he was with them too?

Post # 11
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I dont want to sound harsh here, because i do feel for you…but can you handle being in a relationship for the rest of your life with no trust? Do you want that to be the model you set for your children? It sounds like you guys need to have a real heart to heart and perhaps seek coinselling. He sounds very confused and you sound like you need to know where you stand.

Post # 12
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

@anongal:  I agree with what some of the others have said.  I don’t think the problem is his sexual interest as much as the fact that he wasn’t honest.  I’ve read similar stories on Dan Savage’s blog.  He should’ve been open with you.

Post # 13
Member
6210 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House

Wow. If I were in your position I wouldn’t go through with it but I hope you can either get over it or walk away before the wedding

Eta I am so sorry that you are going through this. Marriage already has so nany questions and it must be so unnerving that your fiance’s sexuality is one of them

Post # 14
Member
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I think your only problem may be that he has a “fetish” that he might want to follow threw with at some point. Is this something you can bring up  and talk to him about?

Post # 15
Member
299 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@anongal:  Yup definitely not gay with transexual porn… sounds just like a fetish like others have said and I think that you do really need to discuss it openly to see if it’s something that you can accept. Sure a fetish can diminish or change, but it’s active right now and whether or not you can handle it (doesn’t really sound like it) is something that you’ll have to figure out. I wouldn’t even necessarily label it as “cheating” but it’s without a doubt something that needs to   be brought up especially if your wedding is fast approaching. 

Post # 16
Member
1098 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

As someone who works in the mental health field, the best advice I have is to pause the wedding plans for now – that is, with all the information you presented. Obviously there are 98723610345 other variables, but that’s my opinion with the information you presented. Honestly right now you won’t be able to go through the wedding clear-headed and deliriously happy as you should (unless you choose to ignore this problem, which isn’t really ideal either). I think you two need to step back from the wedding and don’t let that cloud your judgment. What I mean is don’t be pressured to go through with it because plans are already going. Even if you stay together forever, you may regret going through it right now because there are things unresolved right now that you need to figure out first. You might reconvene and get married. But right now you have major issues to resolve. (And if you fear you won’t end up getting married to him, then wouldn’t you rather find that out now than later?) It’s not the easiest. It’s not the neatest. But it’s probably the best thing you can do to ensure the health of your relationship and self. Regardless of the tranny stuff, your Fiance is exhibiting some shady behavior that raises red flads for other reasons and is not fair to you – contacting ex girlfriends, inappropriate emails, etc. Even if he says it’s OK doesn’t mean it is. As much as he or you want to believe it. He needs to take this seriously and for the sake of you and the relationship, he needs to really consider these issues and figure this out. He probably feels the same pressure as you to continue and that clouds judgment. Again, I would strongly advise against going forward at this point.

On a personal note, a friend of mine lived with a man for three years and she found him on a gay porn site. She confronted him and he admitted he was gay and left (actualy he left after months of torture trying to become straight for her). Needless to say, she was devistated. I know that is not the same thing as your situation BUT it did involve a double life he hid from her which sounds like he is doing though in a different way.

Best of luck to you. I know this situation is very difficult but you have to do what’s best for you and work things out first. If you’d like to talk more, I’d be happy to discuss via PM or here.

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