(Closed) My fiancée told me I am unattractive after engagement pictures….?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 319
Member
1192 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

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Post # 320
Member
2747 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@ahun6592:  I’m sorry that you are here defending him and making excuses. =( It really sounds like he did a toll on your self-esteem. 

You don’t have to prove anything to us.  YOU have to live with it if you chose to. It seems that you are having his back, but he really doesn’t have yours.  For him to make YOU feel insecure now because of his own insecurities shows just how much power he has over you.

At two years, it is now the time where you will see his true colours.

Post # 321
Member
415 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@ahun6592:  I have to disagree with the tone of the replies on here.  You guys are really young, a lot of alcohol was involved, and he’s entering into a pretty major commitment.  I think he (like many guys) perhaps thought he was more attractive than he looks in those pics. Got really insecure when he realized for possibly the first time that you are the hotter one in the relationship.  Tried to convince himself he wasn’t ugly, you just got special photographer treatment.  Add a bunch of alcohol to a seriously bruised ego, and he’s not the first person to act out of line to someone they love.

I’m not saying this is okay, I agree that no-one should verbally abuse someone they love like that.  I just think maybe it’s not the end of the world.  We all make mistakes, the question is whether this one is a reflection of a future pattern, or just a young guy being dumb about his emotions, as lots of us are at 21.  I think you should take a step back, for sure.  The fact that you are questioning marrying him makes me wonder if you know him well enough to make a lifelong committment in the first place.  Are you guys in pre-marriage counseling?  I would highly recommend you do that right away, and maybe postpone the date until you can say you have no reservations about marrying him.  But if this is the only bad thing he’s done in a two year relationship, it seems to me the guy deserves a second chance.

 

 

 

Post # 322
Member
1030 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@ahun6592:  I think it is very hard to judge a relationship from the outside, and that is why it is ultimately your choice what you do and you have to be strong and that choice. However, there are two major things I want to say back to your last message that this only happened this one time and he has been fine for the rest. 

You posted this thread for a reason. If you truly believed it was just one drunken mistake and was nothing to worry about, I wonder would you have really been concerend enough to write that all out and post it? :-/ I also recall somoething in your original post saying other things in your relationship had led you to have doubts about him, but this was far worse than anything you expected. 

None of know what is going on in your relationship. All I’m saying is trust your gut. Something told you it was wrong and not just the kind of wrong things that many guys do, but the kind of wrong thing that makes you worried and scared about your future. I think your gut is right if it had the power to scream through 2 years of work and effort that you put into the relationship. At the very least, give it the benefit of the doubt and listen. Sometimes our bodies recognize warning signs much stronger than our logical mind. It all happened for a reason – it’s just up to you to figure out what that is and what you’re going to do about it. I’m sorry this is such a hard thing to go through and such a hard choice that you are ultimately going to have to make. You know you better than anyone in the world, all i’m saying is not to forget to listen to “you.” 🙂

Post # 323
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Neither my fiancé nor I drink much, but he gets really affectionate toward me when he does drink and we’re together. The first time he got drunk around me was a couple of years ago (we had been together about 4 years at the time), and he started going on and on about how amazing I am and how much he loves me. It was adorable.

Total night and day from how OP’s guy acted. Like others have said, I’d think long and hard about marrying a guy who treats you this way.

Post # 324
Member
1848 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@ahun6592:  I hate to be harsh, but denial ain’t just a river in Egypt.

My Fiance drank a whole tower of beer (I think that’s 9 or 10 beers) on our first date and never did he once saying anything negative to me. He would never dream of saying anything like that, even while trashed out of his mind. I’m sorry you’re making excuses for him.

I’m a total lightweight (like two sangrias and WOOHOO I LOVE LIFE lightweight) and I’ve never once criticized Fiance or anyone else. Drunk people say sober thoughts. If you want the absolute, most brutal truth from someone, get them drunk.

I’m honestly just worried that this won’t be the last time something like this happens, and that when it does happen you’re be married to him and feel absolutely stuck. If this is truly the first signs of emotional abuse, he’s going to obviously be sorry. If he can’t get you back, his abuse failed. If he can keep you, he’s won.

If you stay in this relationship, take a good hard look at it. Can you tolerate him ever criticizing you like that again? Will your self-esteem ever get back to “old times”? Can you get over thinking he may think you’re unattractive and honestly believe you’re pretty to him again? If any of them is no…

Post # 327
Member
43 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@This Time Round:  Thank you! I suffered the mental abuse for three years. I can smell it miles away. If I can help even one other woman from suffering this as well…I just know that men who have control problems may not always be angry, malevolent men who scream at their spouses and hit them. Very often they fly under the radar by being “nice, regular” guys and then they kind of surreptitiously start controlling you. You don’t even realize it is happening at first. They often come across as men who seem to have an answer for everything (not that all “know-it-alls are abusers) and then slowly you realize that your opinions, ideas and thoughts are somehow always wrong, your appearance is never right and nothing is ever good enough. In arguments,  he will never apologize first if at all, and if he does he will usually blame you for whatever went wrong. They are good at twisting things so that you start to believe that you are always wrong too! Men like this never show their true colors until months in the relationship.

 

Thanks foe the welcome, too! I got engaged a few months ago and loved the board so thought I’d jump on in. Everyone seems so sweet here!

 

OP, don’t rationalize it to yourself that he was just drinking. What he said was so untrue because it is obviously factual that you are beautiful but this is going to be a way of controlling you underhandedly. Do not let him get to you. Realize your self worth and spend some time alone being you, and you will find someone who holds you up no matter what. 

Post # 328
Member
3755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@ahun6592:  I didn’t read any of the responses in this thread, just your original post and replies. I think something’s definitely going on in his head and it’s not necessarily that he thinks your ugly. But there’s some kind of insecurities going on with both of you and I think counseling is definitely a good idea to see if you can both work through it and get to the bottom of his awful behaviour. I’m sorry you are going through this, being told you’re ugly by the one you love must be the most awful pain. I couldn’t see the engagement picture, but just from your profile picture I think you are very pretty!!! Not that my opinion is significant in this case, but I wanted to say it anyway. 

Post # 329
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

 TO @ClassicStarlight: in Reply # 283 you said…

@KateByDesign:  Hi. I apologize for going off  topic.

The original post was removed but I’m guessing you’re talking about the  word, “retard.” Just an FYI. it’s origins are Latin and means “slow.” It’s  frequently used in music too to indicate slowing. I’m not sure the context the  poster meant it but it doesn’t automatically she is insulting people with mental handicaps. It  can be commonly used to say what it literally means which is someone who is  being daft or foolish. Unfortutantely, people have a tendency to overreact to  it. Smile

I have to agree with the other Bees on this one

(And am a bit surprised you’ve chosen to comment… when as I read your post above, it appears to me that YOU DIDN’T EVEN SEE the Original Offensive Post)

For the record… I understand your position as a musician, as YES a word can have different meanings.

And RITARDANDO – RITARD – RIT. (from the Italian / Latin) does indeed mean “slowing down, decelerating”

BUT we are not talking Italian or Latin here, nor are we talking Music here.  We are talking North American English… and terminology in reference to a person / human being.  And in that context the word RETARD / RETARDED is offensive (doesn’t matter if the person is mentally handicapped or not… to equate them to a term that historically was a derogatory term to indicate someone was mentally handicapped is enough)

It isn’t a case of being “politically correct” it is a case of understanding RIGHT from WRONG.  And what is an appropriate use of a term (music) and what isn’t (a human being)

And that is how it was used in the post that was RIGHTLY removed by the WBee Moderators.

 

Post # 330
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@ahun6592:  I havent read all the responses but wow! I made the mistake of dating someone who was very insecure about his looks (why? why? Why did i date him?) And he would at the same time make me feel really beautiful and also tried to manipulate me to have the upper hand b/c he was self-conscious. Your Fiance may not put you down when he’s sober but what you did learn is that he feels self-conscious and worries that you’ll leave him. I think it’s always a bad set-up when one person has this kind of insecurity and takes it out this way. A healthy realtionship is when both people feel on the same level. 

There’s a lot of possible consqeunces to think about. Even though it’s been three years, my insecure ex’s comments still make my blood boil. And the way he made me feel bad about my looks, cooking, skills in the sack, everything. But he was really sneaky about it. Anyway, so glad I didn’t even put up with him for a year! But back to the point, how will you get over his awful words?

And those words have affected the way you feel about yourself. Wouldn’t you want to feel like you can be yourself and even at your worst around your husband? And know that they still love you? 

Also, I’d question his motivation. I’m not saying this is the case but it’s something to watch out for. Is he marrying you to keep a beautiful woman? Or does he love you for you? I think my ex definitely used me and that’s always what you have to think about when you date guys who are insecure or struck gold dating a woman like you. 

it’s good you are taking a break. I think you derserve to marry someone who won’t ever speak to you this way, drunk or sober. It’s beyond disrespectful. 

Post # 331
Member
27 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@yayaya:  sorry just had to add to this. what your Fiance did actually makes me mad for you! I’m also thinking how he ruined those photos for you. if he thinks you’re ugly, then tell him to bugger off and he can go find someone else! 

i would not marry this guy. how will you feel when you have to take wedding photos? ugh, what an a$$. 

insecure guys are toxic and please, stay far far away….

 

Post # 332
Member
580 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

So, I didn’t read all the previous posts, so forgive me if I am repeating what others have said, but I would have serious reservations about moving forward with this guy. 

I am currently 37 weeks pregnant…I’ve gained 32 lbs, don’t feel like putting on make-up, I’m swollen from excess fluid, and spend nearly every day wearing t-shirts and yoga pants. My Darling Husband tells me every day that I look beautiful! I certainly do not feel it many days! If your Fiance is complaining about what you look like now (thin and beautiful, by the way!) what is he going to say later on? 

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