My fiancee's father is intrusive, overprotective, and controlling

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 2
Member
10275 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

How does your fiancé handle the issues with her father? Is she on the same page as you?

Post # 4
Member
10275 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Well, if the relationship is going to work you really need to be on the same page as your fiancée. Pre-martial counseling could be a great place to address this issue.

Post # 5
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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blaineg :  You do realize either way you will have to deal with him, whether you marry her or not since she is pregnant.   So figure out how and deal with it the best you can.  

Post # 7
Member
5839 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

So you don’t want to marry your pregnant fiancé because her dad doesn’t think you’re good enough for her…

That would be one way to prove him right

Other than his opinions which you could just ignore is he actually doing anything to you? 

Post # 8
Member
6880 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

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blaineg :  Well you better figure it out then, honestly sounds like you are just owning up to what he is saying if you are thinking of backing out.  Which even to me sounds like you are not good enough.  Have you or your fiance talked to him? Made boundaries?  Own up you are man enough and won’t take his over bearing attitude. 

Post # 9
Member
5098 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

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blaineg :  Can you give more concrete examples of his interference as opposed to his objection on how you choose to do things as a couple? It seems like he spouts off a lot but does it actually have any way of swaying the course your fiancé decides to take? 

TBH if your fiancé’s family is that traditional where the man is the head of the household, is his objections actually about what he’s objecting about or is he just upset that his daughter is pregnant and not married and he doesn’t like you because you got his daughter pregnant? If he’s quite traditional this could actually be his reason for the esy he speaks to you. It’s not right but it could be a reason.

Post # 10
Member
9384 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2016

Just like men (and women) with overly involved mothers need to, your fiance needs to learn to eatablies boundaries with her father.  If she can’t do it herself she may need to see a counselor to figure out and work through just what she is so afraid of.  My hisband and I see a couple’s counselor every other week to learn to establish healthy boundaries with regards to his mother and so far it’s been very helpful.

ultimately if she and you can’t get him to leave your relationship alone and respect some healthy boundaries.. you may need to cut him out.

Post # 11
Member
2090 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
blaineg :  I can see why this would stress you out. It sounds like she needs to grow a backbone and put her foot down to put an end to his intrusiveness. If this were opposite (a man with an intrusive mother), i can’t imagine anyone taking his side and saying that she needs to just get over it/deal with it. Actually, there are *several* threads about these types of mothers-in-law and they are ALWAYS saying that if the guy won’t put his foot down with his mom, then the woman should leave. To me, if she doesn’t stand up to her father, then she’s essentially choosing him over you…and that’s a recipe for a failed marriage. 

 

I think that her pregnancy probably further complicates the matter, as you can’t just leave now if she chooses not to end her father’s poor behavior and set some boundaries. I wish I had some better advice for you, but it really isn’t up to you to fix this. Your only options seem to be: 

a.) hoping that she eventually grows a backbone to set some boundaries 

b.) stay in the relationship and continue feeling like your feelings about her familial over-involvement aren’t important 

c.) leave and have shared custody of your child

 

Overall, do you feel like she appreciates the man that you are, or more so like she sides with her father? I’m sorry you’re in this tough predicament :/

 

ETA: it is ABSOLUTE BULLSHIT for anyone to say “that’s just how fathers are with their daughters”. Women are not infants that need to be “kept” and looked after even into adulthood. Suggesting so is extremely sexist and ignorant. I’m glad that you already seem to know that. 

Post # 12
Member
14161 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Did your fiancé have any say or input into this home purchase? What does she think about your frugal lifestyle aspirations? If you two are not on the same page, is that really due to her father’s interference or does she share his way of thinking? 

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