(Closed) My fiancee's father is intrusive, overprotective, and controlling

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 31
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Because of the racism from her father and your fiance, you and she need to go to counseling. 

Those comments are unacceptable and that logic is so f*cking backwards it’s not even funny. So because you don’t look black and your baby probably won’t look black it’s OK to be racist and make racist comments? 

That makes literally not sense to me. I’m biracial. If my fi or his father made racist comments about me you best believe I would be OUT. Because I do not have time for that ignorant bull sh*t. It’s hurtful, backwards, and just plain stupid. 

Good luck Bee, i really hope you all get your sh*t together asap for the babies sake.

Also congratulations on your first house purchase. That is definitely something to be proud of, her father is probably just jealous because his parents probably bought his or it was inherited to him. He sounds like a stubborn jackal….oy….good luck. 

Post # 32
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

If her family is very traditional they need to respect the new head of the household- YOU. 

You need to have a heart to tour Fiance. If you love her and want to be a family you need to discuss with her that getting married takes her from his home to your home. And that she needs to be backing YOU. If she agrees and is going to back you, then you need to have a conversation with the Father-In-Law and establish the boundaries you accept from him. 

That will only work if she backs you which she should.

You can definitely control this situation. Neither of you need to give him the details of anything he can comment on. And when he give advice just say “thanks got this” or “we’ve already decided”.

He can spout off as much as he wants but it can stay at that. 

Post # 33
Member
559 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2018 - City, State

Also to your fiance re: counselling- counselling doesn’t teach you to be disreapectful to parents. it gives you strategies to positively communicate and set boundaries. 

Post # 34
Member
511 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2020

If she wont do counselling on her own, would she consider couples counselling? 

That way you might be able to address some of the issues surrunding race and her father… ut she wouldn’t be disrespecting him as such because she would be going for you (not becasue of her father).

Good luck, I hope this all gets sorted for you.

Post # 35
Member
6340 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Sorry not sorry but I see no chance of this relationship working long term. You should not marry her. 

Post # 36
Member
7903 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
blaineg :  She ignores a lot of the racist comments because our child will be mostly white and there is a good chance the baby won’t really look black. I’m not that dark myself. 

What the hell did I just read? With her silence she condones racist comments not just about you, but about her own child, because she thinks the child will “pass”? It’s not just the father who is an issue.

Post # 37
Member
497 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

Two thoughts:

Unless she has an abortion, loses the baby, or you sign away your rights, you will always have to deal with him. Especially if she doesn’t or won’t.

But her getting pregnant out of wedlock tells me he doesn’t have as much control over her as he thinks he does. 

You leaving her while she’s pregnant is really gonna work wonders for his opinion of you by the way.

So my advice is to stick this out, show him who the head of YOUR household is, and let her be the one to decide if she’s willing to stand by you. Don’t sacrifice your future relationship with your child for this asshole. 

Post # 38
Member
50 posts
Worker bee

View original reply
blaineg :  I agree a lot on what other PPs have said. 

About the “disrespect”,  – It sounds like by siding with her father, and accepting racist remarks -she is disrespecting you! 

For you to get married, you need to bond to each other , support one another, have each other’s back. 

If she can’t or won’t do that, you will be miserable. 

I also agree that having a baby who is biracial, it’s totally not acceptable for that child to be raised in a racist home/family.  What that does to the child’s self worth could be devastating.  And how will that child be treated  should the child appear more black, I’d hate to think about that!

This is your child, and you WILL be in this child’s life, for your life, and therefore her father will be a big part of his/ her life as well. 

I would hold off on planning a wedding, and absolutely insist on attending pre-marital counseling, before further wedding plans are made. As, she has refused to any counseling, this may be the only chance for her to see that you MUST be a team (couple!) to have a chance of this working. Make it a mandatory commitment from her for you to consider marriage.  Good luck!  I’m afraid you’ll need it – marriage or not with dealing with  her and her father, in regards to your child. 

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