My fiance's best friend is a gorgeous female and I hate it

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would this be a deal breaker for you?
    Yes : (59 votes)
    19 %
    No : (151 votes)
    48 %
    Possibly : (107 votes)
    34 %
  • Post # 3
    8727 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    If they had wanted to get together then it would have happened already, regardless of if they were never single at the same time. It sounds like your SO has a great friend.

    If she was in your opinion unattractive would you still be having these doubts?

    Post # 4
    1119 posts
    Bumble bee

    It could be a deal breaker because a lot of the time one or the other has underlying feelings. I have been the best girlfriend to a lot of guys in the same way and almost every time the guy had true feelings for me as more than friends and I saw them as a bestfriend and nothing more, yea it was easy to flirt with them bc we were so close. i think there’s a level of comfort people get used to with each other and don’t realize when it becomes more. In your case he may have some deeper feelings for her he won’t admit or she may have some for Him. Either way I DON’T think it’s healthy for your relationship. Whether they would take it to another level or not there are ususally deeper feelings in these friendships. In my case I couldn’t have these relationships with these guys and my fiancé so I am no longer best friends with any of them or hardly ever talk to them, Unless running into them when out. my fiancé is my bestfriend we have tons of inside jokes and know each other so well. he finishes my sentences most of the time! Lol I think you should have that with him not him have that with another woman. 

    Post # 5
    45 posts

    Might be time to have a chat with him and let him know how you are feeling.

    There is friendship and then there is relationship intimacy – there does need to be a line between the two. i think that in friendships like this that it is important that there are boundaries and ‘no go’ zones. As long as these are not being crossed, I don’t think that it is a deal breaker.

    My best friend is a guy, and I knew him for a few years before he found a partner, and just recently got married after being with her for another few years. Honestly, I’d be really hurt and offended if because he found a partner, that it spelled the end of our friendship, and we couldn’t go out for coffee etc anyone. Friendships are really important to me.




    Post # 6
    1368 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I think the best thing is for you to communicate your insecurities with your fiance in the most honest way. BUT before that you should really get in touch with YOUR OWN insecurities so you can communicate.

    Post # 7
    9115 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Friendships are very important to a healthy person. If you tell your fiance you dislike this friendship, from how close they are, I can nearly guarantee he will laugh in your face. Not to mention it isn’t your place to tell him who he can and cannot be friends with, so I’d suggest dismissing that thought entirely.

    You brought up how pretty she is. Insecure about your own looks? Thinking he thinks about her? Longs to have dated her? Fantasizes about her? Why do her looks matter? Do you believe your fiance is that shallow, or are you? No insult intended, just trying to get to the root of the matter.

    A “language” only they understand — That’s what being friends is all about. My closest friends and I share “things” that only we get. No one from the outside would understand it because it’s ours. We don’t want anyone to understand it. There are males included in this close language circle as well.

    My suggestion is to just get over it. Put it away in the “I can’t control this” file and dismiss it forever. They’re friends — Friends are necessary and healthy. After all, he’s marrying you, so why does their friendship matter to you? You have no need to feel threatened by her.


    Post # 8
    1411 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    I think it’s definitely understandable for you to feel this way, but none of us will be able to say if you should be worrying or not, because we don’t know what’s inside their hearts. I will say that I had some guy friends I slept with while we were both single because I considered them to be physically attractive,  but I knew romantically we were not compatible at all. I don’t hang out with them any more, but if I did, there’s no way I’d sleep with them, because I wouldn’t want to risk my relationship with the man I want to start a family with. And if they tried anything, that would hurt our friendship, and I’d likely have to stop being friends with them. My best friend is a girl, but say I was bisexual (she is but we’ve been close since we were 2 so that would feel like incest), say she tried to do something with me, it would break my heart and I’d have to stop hanging out with her for a while, but I think she’d realize that what she did was wrong and we’d be able to be fix our friendship. I think it’s likely that your FH feels similarly.

    Bring up your concerns, and see how he reacts. He loves you, so he should want to make youfeel more comfortable. If he thinks you saying how it makes you feel insecure is you being controlling, he hasother issues.

    Post # 9
    1032 posts
    Bumble bee

    I was in this situation a few years ago.

    I lived with 3 guys (including my FI). My roommate/friend “Paul” and I were friends for a few years before he met his wife “Laura.”

    Laura and I had a great time together hanging out, I thought she liked me. Then one day, out-of-the-fucking-blue, Laura sent my Fiance a HUGE email, listing why she hates me. She accused me of “touching” Paul (it was just his birthday, and I gave him a hug,) she also said that Paul and I have “too many inside jokes,” she even said she hated THE WAY I LAUGHED… the list went on and on…

    Paul tried to remedy the situation by having us all sit down and talk. The whole time, she just kept saying “it’s not a big deal,” being defensive, and/or not responding at all to questions. Once Paul saw that this “talk” wasn’t going well, he gave up. A few days later, I received an email from Laura, saying: “Paul said I never apologized to you. So here you go. I’m sorry.” (word-for-word)

    We saw less, and less, of Paul. We had to make appointments to hang out with him (i’m dead serious,) because that was the only way “she felt comfortable” letting him hang out with us. Only if she could be there with him.

    They got married, and now none of us have seen Paul in years. Last I knew, he isn’t allowed to go to movies with actresses he finds attractive (he wasn’t allowed to see Easy A because he said he thinks Emma Stone is pretty). He lost 4 friends (me, and 3 male friends) because of her and her insane insecurities. It caused MASSIVE stress in our apartment between all of us. I actually threw up a couple of times, because I had never had someone say/accuse me of so many horrible things, I couldn’t handle the stress. 

    AAAANNYYWAAAAY…. my point here is, if you don’t trust your Fiance, that’s your problem. Don’t try and ruin his friendships because you’re insecure. You sound like you’re just jealous, which is quite unbecoming. He’s literally choosing to spend the REST OF HIS LIFE with YOU. Not her. He has sex with YOU. Not her. You two will have a LIFETIME of inside jokes, houses, travels, babies (maybe? or just pets) to share together. Not her. Just take a second, think about how silly you sound, and just let those ugly feelings go.

    Post # 10
    7977 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2013 - UK

    @j_jaye:  This.

    If you waste your time and your energy being jealous and insecure then remember: there is nothing less attractive than an insecure woman. If they wanted to be together, they would be.

    You say this girl is very nice to you… what’s stopping you from being her friend? Maybe you could go on a few girlie outings and get to know each other. It might make you view her as less of an intruder and more as a fun person to get to know. 

    I also think you need to examine your own insecurities… why should it matter that she is pretty? Is it a problem because you think you are not pretty? If she looked like Shrek’s uglier, older sister, would you still feel insecure?

    Post # 11
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I have to agree with the above.  If they wanted to be together they would be and if, as you said, she’s nice to you and respects your relationship then what is to stop you becoming friends with her yourself.  People are protective of their friends and rightly so.  For me, my partner trying to tell me that they don’t like me seeing my friends would be a problem with the relationship not the friendship.

    I used to have a very close male friend (we’re still friends but due to distance are not that close now).  Most of his would have an issue with our friendship which was hard as from both of our perspectives it really was just friendship, we would hug and so forth but there was no sexual attraction at all.  Now I don’t know if it’s a coincidence or not, but he’s now married and the girl who became his wife, is the one girl that was never worried about our friendship.

    They have the inside jokes because they have known each other a long time, I’m sure the two of you have your own inside jokes.  I don’t see this as a threat to the relationship.  I also have to say that I don’t think you should tell him that you don’t like them being close.  As mentioned above, if a partner did this to me (I have a lot of very good male friends), I would be angry with the partner and if they continued to make it difficult for me to maintain my friendships, I would have to concider leaving them. 

    That does not mean that my friends are more important than the partner, just that there is room for both and that sort of insecurity can be isolating.

    Post # 12
    349 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2008

    @LadyMoriarty:  I don’t want to threadjack, but can I just say that I love your “tough love” “cut through all the BS” posts! Big fan 🙂


    I’d say just figure out a way to deal with your jealousy and let it go. You don’t want to be the one putting your SO in a “it’s me or her” situation, because if you corner or force him into changing his friendship with her, he will resent you for it. It seems like she’s doing everything right and above-board, being nice to you and respectful of your relationship. You can’t really say “no more jokes, giving advice or confiding in your best friend” can you? As long as no one is crossing lines then it’s your problem not theirs.

    Post # 14
    52 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @EmilyInIdaho:  I would say it depends on how she treats you and behaves regarding the relationship. If she treats you with respect and respects your relationship (and you said she does), then I wouldn’t make a big deal out of it. They seem to have had plenty of time to get together and he chose to date you.

    I have two best friends, a male and a female. We are a best friend trio, so we’ve been best friends with each other for a long time.

    Our male best friend has been with his girlfriend for the past 4 years. Us, the two females, are willing to hang out with our male best friend and his girlfriend whenever, but she doesn’t feel comfortable with us so she rarely wants to be around us. It’s also partially because male best friend chooses not to invite her all the time, but female best friend and I would love it if she came to hang out with us all the time and have told her that. If she wanted to hang out with us more often, it probably would have gotten to the point right now where she would be a close and dear friend of ours too, however she is not that close with us of her own choosing. She is still very sweet and I consider her a dear friend.

    I know my male best friend’s girlfriend is jealous of my girl best friend and me, but what can we do? We have made all the efforts we could to include her in our best friend circle. Female best friend and I have talked about this at length and feel bad that she is jealous of us because there is nothing to be jealous of. We admit that male best friend is good looking, but honestly have never had feelings for him (we thought he could be gay, actually), and it’s just not going to happen. Sometimes a best friend is just a best friend.

    Of course I cannot tell you what’s going on in your situation, but I would pay attention to how she treats you and how she and your bf interact. I would not ask him to break off the friendship, as I find that to be extremely rude.

    Post # 15
    349 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2008

    @MissSweetiepie:  I don’t think she can dictate to him how his friendship should go with the friend he knew well before he even met OP? She can’t force him into it and say “well now that you’re with me, you HAVE to talk to me like that, not her” or “you shouldn’t joke around with her, you’re only allowed to joke with me.” It’s insanely controlling and unreasonable. Granted, Darling Husband and I don’t go out of our way to spend a bunch of time alone with friends/people of the opposite sex now that we’re married, but that doesn’t mean I think it’s impossible to have opposite sex friends and have it be nothing but platonic, even if it is a close friendship. In this case, it sounds like they are doing nothing wrong and are being completely upfront and honest about their friendship-they are close and intend to be friends forever. So what?

    Post # 16
    548 posts
    Busy bee

    I would be very hurt if my SO asked me to give up any of my friends. My SO is totally fine with me being friends with my guy friends and even my exes. Basically anyone of my choosing.

    I am always concerned with how nice his friends are to me and how respectful they are of our relationship. However, I would only ask my SO to give up a friend in an extreme circumstance (ex the friend is actively trying to break us up)

    My Boyfriend or Best Friend made two best friends in grad school (one guy, one woman). He is a shy person and we are LDR so he was quite lonely, and I am glad he has the two of them for company. The woman is very nice, interested in getting to know me, and supportive/respectful of our relationship. I have no problem with her; in fact, I am more comfortable with her than I am with the guy (he is very needy and less respectful of our relationship, actually).

    I was nervous before meeting the woman the first time, but I was put at ease as soon as I met her. There was something in the manner she was behaving toward me with that just made me feel like I didn’t have to worry.

    Does your gut tell you to worry or are you being paranoid?

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