(Closed) My Fiances family hates me. I am thinking of calling it off

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
  • poll: What should I do?

    Leave him

    Work it out

    Suck it up and let them do whatever they want to do

    Let them plan the wedding

  • Post # 19
    Member
    624 posts
    Busy bee

    Your parents don’t ‘hate’ you becathey you are thinking about calling off the wedding, they will be worried about you and how you will cope as well as maybe concerned about money spent and even what people may think!  But not hate!!

    Post # 20
    Member
    5890 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    My friend married the guy who usually sides wit his parents. It makes her miserable. And its only worse now because there is a kid involved and they want to visit more. 

    If he was choosing you and fighting for you, I’d say stay. But since you are already on your own, it’s time to leave the relationship.

    PS- your parents would rather you be in a miserable marriage than support you leaving, they suck!

    Post # 22
    Member
    374 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    View original reply
    @babylo0n:  

    Ok you need to stop giving a sh** about what they think and about their opinions. Why are you listening to these people? They are being controlling and are very involved in your guys’ life because you have ALLOWED them to. You said your fiance doesn’t stick up for you, well then stick up for yourself!

    Also, you need to talk to your Fiance. Tell him he needs to be on your side.  They want to go to war with you and you need someone by your side. Ask him exactly where it is he thinks you stand in his life. Whatever answer he gives you should tell you whether you should stay with this man or not.

    Good luck!

     

     

    Post # 23
    Member
    5890 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    View original reply
    @babylo0n:  They in general have a pretty sucky marriage, but the family thing makes it so much worse. (Imagine every holiday one person is miserable.) They have a toddler and just bought a house, so I don’t think they could afford a divorce right now. She also wants to have another kid. So I think she is hoping she can get things good enough that she can get pregnant (they have to do fertility treatments) and stay married through the tough infant stage. But he is pretty much said no way to the kid thing. Both are just so angry and hurt and not willing to go to therapy. So, personally, I think it’s just a matter of time before they end up divorced. (I wouldn’t be surprised if he is cheating on her. I have no proof, but he’s just that miserable that I wouldn’t put it past him.) I just feel so bad for their daughter. She is going to grow up seeing that “love” means being angry, hurt and yelling horrible disrespectful things at each other.

    Post # 25
    Member
    593 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    Yikes.. I think you need to walk away.. I was in a situation where my FI’s family and I did not like each other.. A lot of tension built up and ultimately my Fiance decided that he was going to have to step away from his family because of the hurt the caused me and barely spoke/saw them for over a year. I wouldn’t say his family HATED me nor did I hate them but we had differences and they said some things that really hurt him. He choose to stand up for me and defend me and they didnt’ like him “choosing” me over them. They finally realized that they were wrong and we have been working on a relationship. His mom (she was the main one I had a problem with) had a lot going on so I forgive her for taking some of it out on me and our relationship has improved so much, we are actually getting somewhat close and doing stuff together so relationships can change.. But honestly, even if your future-in-laws changed, the bigger issue here is you are with someone who isn’t putting you first. You should ALWAYS put your spouse over your parents. You are creating a famiy of your own with this man. If he is willing to choose his family over you, then thats a serious red flag. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    491 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    I’d honestly tell them to go fuck themselves at this point. And I’m not an assertive person by any means. Made you cancel your wedding, are you kidding me?! 

    Remind your fiance that once you’re married, YOU TWO are a family before anyone else and ask him –  if they’re always going to be his #1, why the hell bother getting married?

    Seriously, it’s time to tell them to stick it where the sun don’t shine, and at this point they should all be so appreciative if they are still invited to your wedding – Fiance included. If he stays behind to back them up, keep walkin’ girl. 

    Post # 28
    Member
    149 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: July 2014

    View original reply
    @babylo0n:  You are so welcome.  I am new here, this is the first post I read and my heart just broke for you.  No bride, no woman, NO PERSON, should have to go through this, but with every life there will be emotional battles.  You have to fight them, and even though they’re awful, you can at least say at the end you stood for what you thought was right.
    I think first you should sit down and talk to your family and friends.  You will need a large support group and even if your parents are fustrated, they will always love you and be there for you if you need them.  They are probably not mad, just frustrated and scared for you, because they’re watching their daughter submit herself to the same emotional turmoil (you said you’ve have to reschedule the wedding twice because of this stuff) but they don’t know what to say.  If they love you, and see what he is doing, they probably aren’t too happy on you marrying him, but the anger is for the situation, not for you.  Get them together, and lay everything out on the table.  If they are genuinely upset and mad at you then you’ll have to make the same decision with them as you are with you Fiance.  Not willing to support me?  Then goodbye.  There is understandable annoyance at the planning of the wedding and then no wedding, the time and effort wasted, but all you can do is apologize but explain you need to do this.  But I’m sure they will not do that and you say you also have friends to turn to and that is good.  
    Prepare your security first.  Make sure you have a place to go, a friend or family member’s house.  You will find someone. Make a private bank account so he, at the behest of his family, can’t drain you financially.  Consult a business lawyer about your joint ownership, it may be pricey but worth it in the long run.  I know the hardest thing will be the dogs.  My furry children are my life and I would rather sleep under a bridge with them than see them in a shelter or taken away from me.  The good news is that there are usually amazing animal protection facilities who can help you for little or no cost.  My FI’s sister works for the local shelter and those people are kind and understanding.  They know how often animals get caught in the middle, or worse, are used as emotional black mail to keep people in line.  They will put you in touch with temporary care shelters, housing that allows pets, etc.  Also, if they are legally your dogs, you owe him nothing in terms of “visitation”.  Make sure everything you do is on the level, so that nothing can come back to bite you in the butt.  If things go sour and he wants to keep them, leave and contact the animal authorities.  If they are legally your dogs they will go and get them for you.  Prepare all of this beforehand
    Then once everything is ready, talk to your Fiance.  Ask him to let you finish everything you have to say before he chimes in.  Calmly and clearly lay it out for him.  All of the support I have mentioned is just as a BACK-UP.  You don’t have to run out screaming and call animal control!!! 😉 just tell him how you feel, be honest.  Then discuss it with him, get his perspective and talk things out.  But remain true to yourself.  Anything that sounds like an excuse IS an excuse and there isn’t one for not defending you against his family.  Be respectful and listen to him, but don’t let him try and weasel out of anything.
    If things go well, and he vows to improve, you will have to see.  Words are easy but actions are hard.  If you do not see him following through with his promises, then leave.  If things go better, and of course not everything will be perfect right away, and things will never be 100%, you will have to watch and see but the best thing is that YOU are captain of the ship.  YOU decide when you’ve had enough, it’s not getting better, you’re done.
    If you leave, it will be hard.  Every fiber of your being will want to go back to the status quo just for the feeling of normalcy.  Things will get rough, you might lose your business, things could get ugly.  But you can rely on your friends, families (and bees!) to see you through if you remain strong.   But what’s worse, going through hell now and coming out on the other side with who you are intact, or going down this path and realizing in 10, 20, 30 years the ONE life you get on this earth has been stuck with this man and his family who treat you like dirt?
    As for your wedding…because let’s face it, that’s why we’re all here…you will sacrifice this wedding dream if you go.  But is it a dream or a nightmare disguised as one?   But don’t get married for the wedding, get married for the marriage.  Put your precious wedding dream in your heart and save it for someone who DESERVES it.  That way, when you finally walk down the aisle, it will be in a room where BOTH sides love you, respect you, your dogs are there, and at the end of the day you’ll be crying from joy, not sorrow.
    I really hope this helps, sorry for the marathon post, but like I said, your story breaks my heart and I hope every bride can be happy one day!!! 

    Post # 30
    Member
    1201 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @babylo0n:  When it comes down to it, your Fiance is going to have to pick you or his family. And it sounds to me like he is choosing family over you right now. A relationship and marriage is supposed to be a partnership. I doubt it will get any better after the two of you get married, I think it’s crap that he is letting his family treat you poorly. It sounds to me like there is no pleasing these people unless you do everything they want with the wedding. Are they the ones paying for the wedding? If that is the case, I would honestly let them plan everything and bite your tongue. However if it is you and your Fiance paying for the wedding, I say the hell with them. It is ultimately your day and you two should have the kind of day that is going to memorable and meaningful to the two of you.

    However, one has to wonder if your FI’s lack of “growing a pair” is going change when and if the two of you get married. I am sorry but I would not put up with a man who wants me to be his wife yet can’t stand up to his own family when they are bullying me. Unless I am not hearing the whole story here, it doesn’t seem like you have done anything to them to justify them treating you in such a manner. And honestly, if they are bullying you and treating you poorly I don’t think it has anything to do with you. I get a feeling that those people would treat any woman in your FI’s life whether it was you or another woman. Weddings are supposed to be happy and joyful occasions that usually bring families together. I would have a serious talk with your Fiance and tell him exactly how you feel and how hurtful it is that his family treats you the way they are treating you. I would also tell him that as his almost wife, he should be standing up for you and shielding you from their constant bullying and poor treatment of you. Also tell him that you don’t want him to choose you between you or his family, but you want at least respect from his family. They don’t have to like you but it doesn’t give them the right to treat you the way they have been. And if he is unwilling to listen to the voice of reason, I would not marry him. There has to be a line drawn when it comes to marriage, you either are going to support your spouse or you aren’t. And honestly, if he isn’t going to support you don’t bother staying. I hope things work out for the two of you.

    And if he does listen to you and take into consideration what you are saying to him and telling him about how you feel, I would consider eloping. Have an elopement with just the two of you and maybe some close friends and have a party later. By that time, his family won’t have much say in the matter because the two of you are already married! Best wishes and good luck. 

    Post # 31
    Member
    977 posts
    Busy bee

    You are going to be his wife. He needs to put his foot down to/with his parents and support you and be there for you. YOU are going to be his family.  Don’t let him choose his family over you, if he does so, then he’s not worth it, that’s when you decide to leave.  If he can’t choose, you will have to choose for him. I was in a marriage where my xDH put his “blood” family first over the family that he had under his own roof.  That didn’t go over too well, obviously since he’s an x.  Do what you feel is right. You need to speak with him.  And lastly, I would have NEVER EVER cancelled the wedding in Hawaii becuase his parents said so.  That’s not their decision. They aren’t the ones getting married.

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