My fiance's family is difficult

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 49
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

Like I said he created this. Of course he is going to blame it on you, you already said he comes from a family that doesn’t take blame for anything they do so what makes him different? He could have fixed this along time ago but he didn’t because he feels he has done no wrong. His family does not like you and they NEVER EVER will period!!!! You can shit happy hearts out of your ass to prove your love for him and it will never be good enough. So you have a choice yes YOU. So here they are. 1. You can stay in this relationship and keep butting heads with your fh on this situation. And you know that he is going to keep blaming you for his family acting the way that they do towards you because he not take the blame for this. And he has already said your not family ( I think I read that) He has already made it clear who is family is and will be in the future. So yea keep fighting with him and see how that works. Or 2. Leave him before you start to resent him and can’t stand him. Because it will happen one day. You deserve better than this. When you marry someone they should have your back you become their family, their priority. So what you have been engaged twice. It just means that you haven’t found the right person yet. You want to settle with this man because you don’t want to walk away because this would be your second engagment that your walking away from? Your better off walking away now than marrying this man having children, buying a house, and joining your bank accounts together. Trust me divorce is not joke, especially with all of those things in play. Bee think about it. So there are your choices. And it’s up to you now the ball is in your court, not his. He could have fixed it but he didn’t.

Post # 50
Member
185 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

The biggest red flag to me is that your fiancé refuses to accept any responsibility for his part in this. Further, he is not thinking of your relationship as a team. When you’re a team, it doesn’t matter whose fault it is, together you find a solution going forward. All he is doing is pointing fingers.

I would either insist on professional counselling, or leave. Tbh, I don’t think counseling is effective when one party does not see the need to improve things. Also, counselling may improve your relationship with your fiancé, but it will be a longer road to build a good relationship with his family. If you’re not ready to call it quits now, go to counselling. I suspect it will force you to see the writing on the wall.

You can do a lot better than a man who gaslights you, talks about you behind your back, and is incapable of taking responsibility for his actions. You are recently engaged- this should be such a happy time. If you’re having so many problems already, how do you think it will be once you have  to deal with the stressful shit life will throw your way?

Also, of course you are marrying him and not his family, but family of origin plays a huge part in who someone is. And wouldn’t you rather marry into a functional family, than all this drama?

Post # 51
Member
63 posts
Worker bee

fairyfloss90 :  You’re not crazy; I think you have an excellent read on this situation. And I feel the same way as you: I’d be willing to have awful in-laws as long as my partner backed ME up 100% as opposed to them (and that’s kind of the situation I have actually). Sometimes awesome people have awful families and I don’t think this should make them undateable.

This is the big thing that concerns me: “(being the kind of person who doesnt ever admit fault)” 

You say that his upbringing has really screwed with him and you believe he could be a good person. I absolutely believe that therapy can make a world of difference for people. It sure did for my own partner. However, the key thing is that someone realizes they need help and they’re adamant about doing whatever it takes to change. If he won’t even admit he needs to change, or he does but gives up easily, there’s not really any hope. I not only moved out but moved back home several states away while my partner was in therapy and trying to straighten things out. He was successful and I came back to a new person because he was so determined to change. 

I would make intensive therapy for him a condition of you staying in this relationship and even then you’re not obligated to stay even if he does it. If he balks, forget it. A broken engagement is no big deal compared to a lifetime of this.

Post # 52
Member
10584 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

fairyfloss90 :  

Bee, everyone is telling you exactly the same thing.  You just don’t want to hear it.  As long as you can make believe that you are part of the problem, you can pretend to have some control over the outcome.  You don’t.  Let go.

You fiancé will never change.  He is part of an enmeshed family and has been for his entire life. You are the outsider and completely expendable. You are not important to anyone in this toxic stew.

The Bees are right again:  gaslighting does make you feel crazy.  And being in a toxic relationship can turn you into someone you barely recognize.  You’re losing yourself, Bee.

The fact that this would be your second engagement suggests to me that you may be young and weren’t really ready to settle down. Or, that you’re not doing a very good job of picking partners.  Maybe both.

Stop trying to reform your fiancé and his family.  It can’t be done. You do not have that kind of power.

Post # 53
Member
6800 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

fairyfloss90 :  “i know that there are better people out there but my concern is this will be my second engagement that i have pulled out from”

I mean…that’s still no reason to go through with a crappy marriage!

I get it. You’re worried people will hear “two broken engagements” and think less of you. But it doesn’t really matter what other people think. What matters is that you’re happy and fulfilled. And you’re not right now, not by a long shot. 

So while you should definitely NOT go through with this wedding, I would also take some time to yourself to reflect on why/how it got to this point (both with this relationship and your other one). What you’ve written in this post are some pretty major red flags that it seems you chose to ignore for some reason. Why did you continue to accept his horrible treatment of you? Why did you say yes to his proposal? These red flags should’ve weeded him out of your life well before it got to that stage so maybe think on how it even got this far. 

Post # 54
Member
4 posts
Wannabee

Dear OP,

All this does not matter. (That he is a nice person, has potential, yada yada).

The point is that right now he is not meeting your needs. Which needs? The needs to be respected, supported, backed, by the person who is supposed to be your No. 1 supporter.

You need to take a stand. It is now or never, because you are already engaged and the longer you take, the harder it will be for you. By that I mean, have a serious talk with him and see whether he can change. However, I doubt he will change, because people never really change. Specially if it involves his tight-knit relationship with his family.

Bee, when you marry someone, you also marry their family.

Do you seriously want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will always choose their family over you?

Years down the line, if you two have kids, how will your relationship with your children be affected?

Spare yourself all the hurt and trouble.

I would advise you to break off your engagement.

I believe you are a smart and very capable woman. 

However, we accept the love we think we deserve. Why you think you deserve being treated that way and not be a priority is beyond me.

The way I see it, breaking it off will only result in good outcomes:

1. He realises he’s been wrong all along, he realises your worth, and he changes for the better. (Ideally)

2. You would save yourself a lot of pain and sorrow and make yourself available for the loving relationship you really deserve. (Most probable)

 

Good luck.

Post # 55
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

You said he has the potential to be a good person and a good partner, but you don’t marry someone’s potential. The reality is that he’s definitely not a good partner right now and you should definitely not be marrying him, at least not until that changes.

I’m sure that most of the time when it’s just the two of you you have a good time and things are fine but that’s true of a lot of bad relationships. If he cheated on you would you say, “Yeah, but when he’s not cheating on me, he’s great”? Probably not, no. And that’s basically what he’s doing. He’s cheating on you with his family. They will always come first. He will always believe them over you. He will always blame you and take their side. He’s going to ask you to give and give and give while he and his family never give anything back and it’s never going to be enough. He told you that you’re not family and that should tell you everything you need to know.

Personally, I’m not into fixer uppers but even if you wanted to put the time in to try to fix this boy up it could take years to undo all the enmeshment and brainwashing and that’s only if he ever admits that there’s a problem and is willing to change. In my opinion, you should cut your losses. Better a broken engagment than a divorce later on.

Post # 56
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee

fairyfloss90 :  I wanted to add that you mentioned you were concerned because this would be the second engagement you pulled from. But bee, I think the issue is that this relationship got to an engagement in the first place. You should have ended this relationship years ago. 

You have dealt with 4 YEARS of him constantly breaking up with you, and having experienced this with my ex-fiance I wonder if your reaction was the same as mine. Years of having to process full-blown heartbreak on a consistent basis, and then whenever we got back together things would be good…but never REALLY good because I was always angry at him and also afraid to lose him, always nervous, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I was so insecure in my relationship because he rejected me so often. When we were done for good, I had so much anxiety about relationships that I would have panic attacks whenever I actually liked someone. 

This is why I say that in most cases, if someone breaks up with you the relationship is done. If the person has taken a good look at you and your potential future and decided they didn’t want it, even getting back together your relationship will never be the same. There are some circumstances where people break up due to distance, a miscommunication, an issue that has since been resolved…but largely if someone breaks up with you then it’s over. You will never be your best self so long as you are with people who do not see you as amazing. 

Post # 57
Member
6800 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

strawberrysakura :  “But bee, I think the issue is that this relationship got to an engagement in the first place. You should have ended this relationship years ago.”

Exactly! It should’ve never gotten to this point. That’s what I think OP needs to examine (after she dumps this guy). Why did she let it go so far?

Post # 58
Member
1504 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

His family aside, I don’t understand why you’re with somebody who doesn’t even sound like he likes you very much and by very much I mean at all. Just because you’ve been engaged before and you don’t want to pull out of another engagement?

Post # 59
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

This is not a family problem. This is a fiance problem. One that could easily be solved. He’ll never stand up for you. He’s self-serving and you are allowing it to continue.

Post # 60
Member
459 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2019

Bee, what is telling, is that you wrote that you’ve told him that you’re done with him because of all those issues and if I understand right, his reacition was that you have to make more effort for him to make one too?

If at that point he’s not realising the part he’s playing in all of this  is causing you wanting to leave, I don’t know if there’s much left. I mean, if he’d really care, he should have gone to his family and talk with them ASAP. But no. He continued to pass the buck. And as you explained, he’s not even capable to analyze the situation well enough to even know what he thinks you should do. If he’s not aware what is at stance here or he doesn’t even care, then you need to ask yourself if he’s showing you enough respect to stay with him.

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