My fiance's family is difficult

posted 5 months ago in Family
Post # 78
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Breaking an engagement is hard. I get it. Ive been there. But as hard as it was emotionally it made me really put things into a different perspective for what i wanted in my life. Maybe a break is what you need. 

You sound miserable, dont make yourself miserable to make someone else happy. Thats just ridiculous.

To be blunt if he loved you he would have put his family in their place for the way they treat you a long time ago. That fact that hes making excuses for them and blaming you, means he has no desire to fix things or stick up for you against them. 

His excuse of “well their family” is b.s. does he not realize that by putting that ring on your finger you are now about to be part of his family….. 

Post # 79
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2019

Girl, you’re 28 and you’ve been together for a couple years. You are mature enough and understand him well to realize by now he is NOT going to change. You are not crazy, but you really don’t need to prove that to him. I hope you realize you deserve better and he is not anywhere close to marriage material. Do you really want to spend another year or two trying to make him see his issues in this and “working” on this relationship, when he clearly has no interest in working on it with you? 

Yes, breaking up is incredibly hard, especially as we get older and it feels like the pool of potential mates is shrinking. But at some point it’s time to have higher expectations for your life and to make better decisions about who you allow in it. At 28 you have plenty of time to meet a better match, date for a few years, get married, and start a family (if that’s what you want). But each month you drag this siht show out is another month you’re wasting your time. 

Be strong, enlist the help of a good counselor to help with this transition if needed- and remember that there is hope of a better match on the other side. Staying in this relationship, however, is setting yourself up for several more years of misery, because this man does not have what it takes to make you happy.

ps- I met my fiancé when I was 29, just weeks after leaving a relationship that wasn’t right for me, but nevertheless took me YEARS to end, because I saw the potential and did not think I could bear to go through another breakup. It was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made, but absolutely the right one, and it freed me to meet my fiancé, who is a much better match.

Post # 80
Member
212 posts
Helper bee

fairyfloss90 :  I’m sure that I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said but I will echo other PP’s and agree that your fiance’s way of handling the situation is the problem. I’ve always had problems with my fiance’s mother. She constantly badmouths me to other family members and blames me for her lack of relationship with her son (despite the fact that there’s never really been a relationship between the two of them).

My fiance and I are a TEAM. He never makes me feel like i’m crazy or that I caused this. He never calls me dramatic or puts blame on me. With that said, if I were to handle something inappropriately, I’d expect him to express his feelings to me…in a MATURE way with no name calling. He constantly goes to bat for me and defends me. I don’t have to ask him “go off” on him for months to get him to do these things because he just DOES them, just as I’d do for him. That’s what a partner does.

You’ll never gain respect from his family members when HE hasn’t even given you the respect you deserve as his partner. He needs to demand that they respect you.

Post # 81
Member
743 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

fairyfloss90 :  Nopenopenopenopenope

This is bad all around.

Yes or no question: Do you think you will be happy spending the  next 30 years of your life with these people?

Post # 82
Member
66 posts
Worker bee

fairyfloss90 :  his family sounds rough but i think the bigger issue is with him. if he spoke up to them about your treatment i dont think they would continnue to treat you this way. you’re getting married and he needs to be on your team, you’re a unit together. 

Post # 84
Member
1051 posts
Bumble bee

fairyfloss90 :  First of all, why should he think you are serious, when you keep giving him chances? 

I think you are partly at fault here. The sister-in-law attempted to talk things through, I get that she didn’t approach the situation in the way you would have liked her to, but that was an opportunity. Instead you behaved like a complete ass. I’m not going to judge you for that – for all I know you’ve been so mistreated and fed up with it that nothing but a complete and abject apology from her would make things right, but that gets to my point. I don’t think his family is going to accept you, and I don’t think you are in the correct frame of mind to help things there. Your fiance doesn’t have your back, and he never did. Stop giving him chances, stop living a life where you are constantly exposed to people who dislike you. Let this guy go, and find people who appreciate you. 

 

Post # 85
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Bee, your Fh told all your relationship business to his family. They decided they didn’t like the unstable relationship you two have. Instead of attacking the sister in law, maybe you should have talked to her and found out what your FH says to them about you and believed her when she said she thought you were broken up. Because from his response, it seems like maybe he did insinuate that you were broken up. 

He talks crap about you to them and then you want him to have your back when they don’t like you… the reason they don’t like you is because of him and the things he says..he is the problem.

She reached out to clear the air and figure out what the issues were. Instead of being an adult and saying, I know Fh tells you his side of our fights and has painted a bad picture of me and I feel ignored by you and don’t appreciate you trying to hook him up with a friend,” you exploded. You could have used that time to find out what he has said and the picture he has painted and why she thought you were broken up. 

If my brother constantly talked poorly of the girl he was with I wouldn’t like them together either! 

Honestly your relationship sounds toxic, just leave already!

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