(Closed) My Fiances Parents are not involved at all in our wedding

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 17
Member
10713 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

my fiance’s mom dad step dad and sisters have not been involved at all… and his sisters are my bridesmaids. no one has given us money except for my grandparents. I just don’t think about it as long as everyone shows up im happy! I know what you’re going through though.

Post # 18
Member
3768 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

I am in the same boat, although FI’s parents haven’t offerred to contribute anything and that’s totally fine with us.  We don’t really talk about it either (and we rarely see them despite living just 20 minutes away).  In fact, the weekend after our engagement we had breakfast with them and they brought it up once, as we were leaving the restaurant.  I was surprised, but now I think the best thing is that they are okay with whatever we do, as long as they get to attend.  It is probably not that they aren’t excited, be thankful that your Future In-Laws are just stepping aside to let you do as you please!  🙂

Post # 20
Member
423 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

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@LibertyBelle:  Couldn’t have said it better myself!

Post # 21
Member
1302 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

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@hobokenbride:  “Again its not the wedding planning or lack of interest in the wedding that is my issues, I guess its just their lack of interest in having a close relationship with me.”

Well, that’s a different issue.  But it’s also not something you can really force.  Maybe you should try making plans to see them on non-wedding-related occasions.  I am unlikely to reach out to someone I don’t know very well.  It’s not really in my nature.  I am lucky to already have a bunch of close friends so I’d rather spend time with people I’m already comfortable with.  Maybe you need to give it a little more time and also lower your expectations for the relationship.

Post # 22
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My FI’s mom is in another state, so we’ve never met. I expected that she’d call or somehow reach out when we got engaged, but there was no action from her.  So, I sent her a framed foto with one of our engagement pics and a card.  Still nothing.  That was months ago, so I asked Fiance if she ever got the package and he said she did.  I think it’s pretty weird that she didn’t call or send a thank you note, but whatever.  I guess we’ll just be introduced at the wedding.

Post # 23
Member
4192 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry

Not everyone’s into wedding planning. My Mom really isn’t into it. She’s happy for me, but she’s not overly excited about the wedding, the party, etc. She’s helping out when I ask, but she’s not coming up with ideas on her own. She has yet to look at my registry, and didn’t look at the venue web site until I sent her photos.

Future Mother-In-Law is a whole other story, and is *too* enthusiastic about it (her sister had to tell her to chill out.) 

Honestly-the fewer people “helping” you plan, the better. In-laws can be a major source of wedding stress!

Post # 24
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My Future Mother-In-Law and Future Sister-In-Law are not involved at all either and I thank my lucky stars!  Between just my own mom and Fiance, I have more than enough people to try to make happy!

Post # 25
Member
4885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Not one person on my fiance’s side has shown an ounce of interest in our wedding planning.  We’re getting married next weekend and I haven’t had any offers to pay for anything, or ask how its going, or what they can do, or anything else.  Its easy for me to get upset about it and get passive-aggressive, but at the end of the day the less people involved THE BETTER.  Weddings often follow The Golden Rule:  he who has the gold, makes the rules.  I’d rather have the wedding  want than the wedding whoever is paying wants.

Post # 26
Member
801 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

My family is like that. It’s probably just a cultural thing. They do not mean any harm, but maybe they just don’t realize you expect them to reach out to you. 

Maybe you could take the first step?

As far as the financials go, I think it is personal to each family and there should never be any expectations whatsoever. I mean they are already paying for the rehearsal dinner, that’s pretty awesome no?

Post # 27
Member
3885 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Close relationships take time to build so I’d just sit back and let that develop. For the wedding itself, have you considered that maybe you are sending a mixed message? By not having any of that side of the family actually IN the wedding, and by having only minimal financial assistance from them, they are basically on the same “level” as regular guests— which is not an insult at all.  Personally, no matter whose wedding it is, if I’m not contributing money and not in the wedding party, I refrain from asking too many questions. I just don’t feel it’s my “place.”

My fiance’s parents live overseas and don’t have a ton of money so they’ve been VERY hands-off on the planning, and I’ve not heard a peep from one of his sisters. The other goes through (very annoying) spurts where she’ll email-bomb me with photos of every damned cake ever known to man, then silence for 3 months. I have decided to keep my Future Mother-In-Law a little more in the loop by sending photos of “important’ things like the dress, to show that I am excited and also to try and build a closer relationship with her. But she is our guest and I am perfectly happy if she prefers to be treated as such!

Post # 28
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

I DO NOT think you are overreacting, at all.  I have a bunch of people in my life with children and husbands who have, at the very least, asked a few questions.  One of my BMs is married with a child and is pregnant, and she helps me with all kinds of stuff. 

I get what you’re saying, you don’t expect everyone to be obsessed, you just want some kind of interest from that side of the family.  I felt that way for the majority of our engagement.  FI’s family didn’t seem to care about our wedding.  But, then everybody came around.  Now things are good.  It might just be that your FI’s family will get excited in the last couple of months, or something.

Post # 29
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

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@hobokenbride:  Okay, that clarification makes things a bit more tricky.

Families are different.  How often does your DH reach out to his family?  Is he letting them know details about the wedding/your life?  My DH could go weeks without calling them (they pretty much never call us), but tries to call every 1-2 weeks.  The expectation is clearly that we will do all the reaching out.  They complain about my Brother-In-Law (he doesn’t call home often), but will never call him…that kind of thing.  They are extremely hands off and for the most part, my DH likes this.  If your DH is okay with the status quo, it sounds like this is just how his family is.

I find my inlaws to be very confusing. I know that they care a lot about me, so that makes it easier.  With more contact, hopefully you’ll get that feeing too and then this won’t bother you as much.  Honestly, one of the most difficult things about being married is dealing with the “other” family.  Even if they are completely normal and welcoming, they still do things differently and, now that you’re family, you’re just supposed to get it.  It’s hard.  My DH and I have spent a lot of time explaining behaviour and expectations to the other person because our families are just so very different.  The wedding brings it out big time and it gets more obvious if you have kids/get pregnant. 

Post # 30
Member
1212 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

My future in laws don’t seem to give a poop either, Future Mother-In-Law is too busy trying to run around with and stay in touch with FI’s ex Girlfriend from years ago.

 

Fiance is happy to be marrying me, my family is fairly supportive (minus the judgy opinions of course!) and that’s all that matters. I’m sure they’ll be there on the day, judge our wedding and my family (FMIL completely ignored my Moms Easter Dinner invite – never even acknowledged it, so F her :))

 

At least you get on with them in general, also with 3 SILs all married with kids, they’ve already been around this block a few times and are probably just leaving you to it, I wouldn’t be offended. Move on with things and be happy when you see them, I think resenting them is overreacting for sure.

Post # 31
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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@hobokenbride:  Have you reached out to them or tried to forge a close relationship with them?  They may be thinking the same thing about you.

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