(Closed) My FIL wants to borrow money… long vent NWR

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
46416 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is a difficult situation that has huge potential to be a problem between you and your husband. In addition, you are about to become unemployed, and have no idea when you will be able to earn an income again. You may need your savings for your own expenses.

Giving money to this man will enable him to carry on as he is-not working, drinking, smoking etc. And $400 won’t go far- he will be back for more.

I would encourage the two of you to have a discussion and come to some agreement re a policy about NOT LENDING MONEY TO FAMILY-period.

You may have to support your hubby in his decision to give him the money this time, but you need to come to a joint decision re future requests.

Post # 4
Member
1750 posts
Buzzing bee

@jamiemichelle:Typically I would “compromise” since it is a small amount and use it as an excuse to never lend money again. It’s obvious he will not be paying it back. However, considering you are loosing your job I would tell him we do not have it to give, I mean lend;0)

Post # 5
Member
858 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Ooh… That’s tough since your husband is all about it. I’d say no, and probably take the fight. I agree that your Father-In-Law is just going to keep coming back all the time. I really don’t know what to tell you other than I wouldn’t do it if that were our situation.

Post # 8
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Jamiemichelle, since you are a military wife, there should be an office on base that will give you preferential treatment when it comes to jobs. You may be able to work on base in child care or as an in-home daycare provider….it’s a military spouse career center office.

Post # 9
Member
389 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

His Dad sure does sound like a piece of crap but he’s still his father, and your husband wants to help him…  If he does give him the money then it should only be a one-time thing because he sounds like the type who will keep coming back for more. 

I do have one question…if he’s such a loser who lived paycheck to paycheck, then how was he able to pay for his daughter to go to college as well as give her $5K for her wedding?

Post # 10
Member
1641 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think others are right. Give him the money because it isn’t worth the arguement, and use it as a learning experience for your husband, because he is probably not going to pay it back.

Post # 11
Hostess
18643 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I really really would not, especially since you are about to lose your job.  More than likely, you are going to need all the money that you have saved in order to fill the holes in your budget until you find another job.

Post # 12
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry you are in such a tough situation. It’s hard to say no to family members.

A few  years ago my Fiance lent his brother $4000 and was promised that it would be repaid within 6 months (he explained how he would pay it back and it made sense). Now almost 3 years later he still owes us $1000. That’s $1000 that would really help us for our wedding, or to pay our bills, tuition or maybe even to help us get a car so that I don’t have to take the bus. But no, his brother still has that money and since borrowing the money that was supossed to pay off their debts they have bought 5 blackberry cellphones, 3 motorcycles, a car, numerous videogames, tv stuff and just went on a nice trip that cost a few thousand. And they still claim they can’t pay back the $1000. So my advice is DO NOT LEND OUT YOUR MONEY!

I think if you are going to give his dad $400 you need to be prepared to never see that money again. I honestly might give in and agree to give him maybe $200 as it isn’t that much money, but the two of you need to agree to never give him anymore, especially if he hasn’t paid it back. You guys don’t owe him anything, especially after everything you described. I would only give in this time so that your Fiance sees that you are willing to help, but that you made an agreement that it is a one time thing.

Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
536 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I would agree to send only $200 instead of $400 and explain that you lost your job and you can not send anymore.  This way it will be a learning experience for your husband.  It seems that your husband wants to gain approval from his Dad, even if he is a dead beat.

Post # 14
Member
1498 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

You need to try to have a calm conversation with your husband about this.  He should at least hear your concerns about you being without work and the potential for having to dip into your savings during that time, how you fear not being paid back, and how you two have worked hard to save the money.  Make sure he understands that you are concerned for the both of you.  You are not being selfish, your concern is for your family.  If he insists, make sure you hear his reasons and get to the bottom of it.  Be sure that the expectation for being paid back is CLEAR and a timeline is set for being paid back (otherwise it’ll always be ‘i’ll pay you when i can’ or ‘give me another week’).  This way if he doesn’t, then your husband will hopefully see and agree with your concerns the next time this happens.

As a person with an unreliable mother, I can say I always want to think this time is different than everyother time she messes up.  It’s hard to accept that you have a crappy parent.

Post # 15
Member
1890 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I have similar concerns with my FMIL–she is very unreliable with $ and she calls her 83-yr old mother all the time begging for money.  It has been a significant topic of discussion between me and my mom, and between me and my Fiance.  My Fiance simply tells me that unless we’re mega-rich one day, we will NOT give money to his mom if she ever asks for it.  I would think that especially in your situation when your job security is at risk, you should not be giving/lending money to people, even your own Father-In-Law.  Adults need to be responsible for themselves, and though it’s great that you have some savings to help you through this difficult time, you should not let Father-In-Law guilt trip you guys into giving him money.  Easier said than done, I know, but I really hope you and your husband are able to discuss this and come to a conclusion that makes you both happy and not resentful.

Post # 16
Member
2289 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

I suggest having his dad sign an IOU. It will serve as a physical reminder for your husband. You already know that you’re never going to see that money again but your husband is going to be constantly tempted to keep “lending” him money. Your Father-In-Law will take advantage of him as much as he possibly can and he will feel no remorse in doing it because he believes his son owes him. The boundary must be set NOW. A house policy stating that you won’t lend him any more until the $400 is paid back, and then pointing to the IOU on the fridge could help.

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