Post # 1
So I know this is a hard economic time, and everyone is struggling. I just found out I am losing my job after this month because I’m a nanny and the mom of the little girl I watch just lost her job and will be staying home with the baby :/ Well anyways, my Father-In-Law is a TOTAL loser. Always lived paycheck to paycheck without working to do better things for himself, and he admits that. He has always favored his daughter, and payed for her to go to college and gave her $5,000 for her wedding, and guess what… nada for my husband. When my husband was in high school he actually made him get a full time job on top of school, so he could take the pay checks and not work… yeah, a real winner, right? He also told him when he graduated high school that his options where to go straight into the military or be homeless because he was sick of “supporting” him..
So now fast forward 6 years and we’re married and slowly building a life and a savings.. his father lost his job because he missed too many days, and tried to tell my husband it was because he took off one day to come to our wedding. We paid for everything… the flight, his tux, his hotel room, his food. So yeah, my husband is feeling really guilty and his father asks to borrow $400. FYI we have $5,000 that I have saved, because I am frugal, and now he just wants to give his dad the $400. He says he will try to pay it back, but I don’t ever see it happening. What I see is him asking for money every month because he’s a loser and he doesn’t want to work or really try to do anything for himself… he’s a leech! Is it our fault that he didn’t save any money because he drinks and smokes it all away? No. Is it our fault that he lost is job because he called in sick all the time because he was hung over? No. So why is it our responsibility to give him money? I asked him why he didn’t ask his sister since he paid for her education and all kind of other things for her that my husband didn’t get and he said that he did but she said no… and for good reason. He also asked pretty much every one else in his immediate family and they said no, too. Wonder why…
So now my husband is putting me on a guilt trip and saying that I’m selfish and blah blah blah so I guess we will send him the money, but I told him NEVER again. I’m just so frustrated right now… I really don’t see a great option in this situation.
Just needed to vent. If you have any helpful suggestions, they are totally welcome.
Post # 3
This is a difficult situation that has huge potential to be a problem between you and your husband. In addition, you are about to become unemployed, and have no idea when you will be able to earn an income again. You may need your savings for your own expenses.
Giving money to this man will enable him to carry on as he is-not working, drinking, smoking etc. And $400 won’t go far- he will be back for more.
I would encourage the two of you to have a discussion and come to some agreement re a policy about NOT LENDING MONEY TO FAMILY-period.
You may have to support your hubby in his decision to give him the money this time, but you need to come to a joint decision re future requests.
Post # 4
@jamiemichelle:Typically I would “compromise” since it is a small amount and use it as an excuse to never lend money again. It’s obvious he will not be paying it back. However, considering you are loosing your job I would tell him we do not have it to give, I mean lend;0)
Post # 5
Ooh… That’s tough since your husband is all about it. I’d say no, and probably take the fight. I agree that your Father-In-Law is just going to keep coming back all the time. I really don’t know what to tell you other than I wouldn’t do it if that were our situation.
Post # 6
yeah I know, if we don’t do it I will come off as an uber bitch. I think his family thinks that we are loaded. My parents have money, and they saw that at our wedding, but that doesn’t mean that we have money! I have enough integrity to not accept money from my parents, and everything we have is because I’m frugal and save… his freaking sister actually called us a week after the wedding and asked to borrow $5,000 because her and her husband are buying a house! Obviously as that is our entire savings, we said HELL no.
I’m going to use this to show my husband what his father really is… a user. He will never pay the money back! I think my husband has a chip on his shoulder, and blames himself for his fathers behavior and favoritism for his sister… he thinks that if he had been a better son he would have been treated the same. It’s sad =(
Post # 7
EXACTLY. That’s pretty much my exact thought process…..
Post # 8
Jamiemichelle, since you are a military wife, there should be an office on base that will give you preferential treatment when it comes to jobs. You may be able to work on base in child care or as an in-home daycare provider….it’s a military spouse career center office.
Post # 9
His Dad sure does sound like a piece of crap but he’s still his father, and your husband wants to help him… If he does give him the money then it should only be a one-time thing because he sounds like the type who will keep coming back for more.
I do have one question…if he’s such a loser who lived paycheck to paycheck, then how was he able to pay for his daughter to go to college as well as give her $5K for her wedding?
Post # 10
I think others are right. Give him the money because it isn’t worth the arguement, and use it as a learning experience for your husband, because he is probably not going to pay it back.
Post # 11
I really really would not, especially since you are about to lose your job. More than likely, you are going to need all the money that you have saved in order to fill the holes in your budget until you find another job.
Post # 12
I’m sorry you are in such a tough situation. It’s hard to say no to family members.
A few years ago my Fiance lent his brother $4000 and was promised that it would be repaid within 6 months (he explained how he would pay it back and it made sense). Now almost 3 years later he still owes us $1000. That’s $1000 that would really help us for our wedding, or to pay our bills, tuition or maybe even to help us get a car so that I don’t have to take the bus. But no, his brother still has that money and since borrowing the money that was supossed to pay off their debts they have bought 5 blackberry cellphones, 3 motorcycles, a car, numerous videogames, tv stuff and just went on a nice trip that cost a few thousand. And they still claim they can’t pay back the $1000. So my advice is DO NOT LEND OUT YOUR MONEY!
I think if you are going to give his dad $400 you need to be prepared to never see that money again. I honestly might give in and agree to give him maybe $200 as it isn’t that much money, but the two of you need to agree to never give him anymore, especially if he hasn’t paid it back. You guys don’t owe him anything, especially after everything you described. I would only give in this time so that your Fiance sees that you are willing to help, but that you made an agreement that it is a one time thing.
Post # 13
I would agree to send only $200 instead of $400 and explain that you lost your job and you can not send anymore. This way it will be a learning experience for your husband. It seems that your husband wants to gain approval from his Dad, even if he is a dead beat.
Post # 14
You need to try to have a calm conversation with your husband about this. He should at least hear your concerns about you being without work and the potential for having to dip into your savings during that time, how you fear not being paid back, and how you two have worked hard to save the money. Make sure he understands that you are concerned for the both of you. You are not being selfish, your concern is for your family. If he insists, make sure you hear his reasons and get to the bottom of it. Be sure that the expectation for being paid back is CLEAR and a timeline is set for being paid back (otherwise it’ll always be ‘i’ll pay you when i can’ or ‘give me another week’). This way if he doesn’t, then your husband will hopefully see and agree with your concerns the next time this happens.
As a person with an unreliable mother, I can say I always want to think this time is different than everyother time she messes up. It’s hard to accept that you have a crappy parent.
Post # 15
I have similar concerns with my FMIL–she is very unreliable with $ and she calls her 83-yr old mother all the time begging for money. It has been a significant topic of discussion between me and my mom, and between me and my Fiance. My Fiance simply tells me that unless we’re mega-rich one day, we will NOT give money to his mom if she ever asks for it. I would think that especially in your situation when your job security is at risk, you should not be giving/lending money to people, even your own Father-In-Law. Adults need to be responsible for themselves, and though it’s great that you have some savings to help you through this difficult time, you should not let Father-In-Law guilt trip you guys into giving him money. Easier said than done, I know, but I really hope you and your husband are able to discuss this and come to a conclusion that makes you both happy and not resentful.
Post # 16
I suggest having his dad sign an IOU. It will serve as a physical reminder for your husband. You already know that you’re never going to see that money again but your husband is going to be constantly tempted to keep “lending” him money. Your Father-In-Law will take advantage of him as much as he possibly can and he will feel no remorse in doing it because he believes his son owes him. The boundary must be set NOW. A house policy stating that you won’t lend him any more until the $400 is paid back, and then pointing to the IOU on the fridge could help.