(Closed) My Finace’s family is tearing me apart

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
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  • Post # 3
    Member
    1426 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    You don’t have a voting option for my opinion… If they aren’t contributing then they don’t get to set the guest list.  Invite who you want to invite and who you can afford to invite.  If your FI’s parents are insisting on inviting people that you and your Fiance don’t really think need to be there, then you don’t have to invite them.  His parents have no right to insist on inviting people on someone else’s dime. 

    Since his family apparently is much more formal about their financial interactions (the whole loan thing- I agree, that would be strange for my family too) then you should treat this as a formal financial transaction the way they seem to want.  Write your guest list.  Send it to them and say “this is who is invited”.  If they come back and say “Well you have to invite our second cousins!” (or whoever), you can tell them “the meals cost $45 a person, chair rentals are $5 a person, and for every 8 extra people I’ll also need $30 for an additional centerpiece.  You are welcome to invite whoever you like as long as you pay for them.”

    Now, if you all agree on the guest list, and you would invite these people regardless of whether his family pays anything or not, then you are out of luck.  No one is required to give you money for the wedding.  It is nice, and personally I can’t imagine not giving my child some money to help out if I had the ability, but the truth is some people don’t think like that.  So unfortunately unless you have something to bargain with (or if you don’t want to bargain) then you don’t really have any right to expect money from them ๐Ÿ™

    The good news is, if they don’t pay, they don’t get any control.  You get to make all the decisions, and they can’t tell you otherwise.  Sorry you’re stuck with this…

    Post # 4
    Member
    1046 posts
    Bumble bee

    My hubby and I aren’t getting any money from his side of the family either.. it isn’t because they are being selfish though, it is because they don’t have any to give.

    You will hear a lot of “they don’t owe you ANYTHING” on here, but personally I think if it is financially possible they could help you out some. I agree with greenleaf that they don’t get any say in the guest list. I have a feeling that his mommy dearest may make your life a little difficult…

    Post # 5
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    You are marrying into another family, just b/c they don’t handle money the way your family does, doesn’t really mean anything. Yes, it’s nice if they DO help somehow, but just because they have the money doesn’t mean you should feel like they should be giving you money. Maybe they plan on surprising you with something down the road–my parents refused to pay for any of our wedding (and my parents can certainly afford it, they have plenty) but last minute they reimbursed us for our honeymoon. As in, i booked it and they handed us money. We weren’t expecting it and we didn’t ask for it–maybe they will do something like that? Look at it this way, it’s a blessing b/c now you can keep their guest list small and keep his parents out of the loop in regards to a lot of wedding details. What about the rehearsal dinner? that is “traditional” for the groom’s family to cover.

    Your Fi can always tactfully ask his mom if they plan on helping. i’ve always known my parents felt weddings were an unnecessary expense so unfortunately i always knew where they stood.

    I guess it’s up to you and your Fiance to pay for a chunk of your own wedding and there’s nothing wrong with that.

    Post # 7
    Member
    570 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    I agree with greenleaf. The truth is, if they aren’t willing to contribute, they have no say in the wedding or who is invited. I put that they don’t owe you anything, because really, they don’t. It is your wedding and you can have it your way, but at yours and your FI’s own expenses. I am sorry, but realistically speaking, they don’t technically have to give you anything.

    Post # 8
    Member
    570 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2011

    And as for your last post, your Fiance isn’t entitled to help them with anything at the house, especially if he doesn’t live there anymore. I don’t know the situation, or if he agreed to help, but really they should be asking not telling. But if your Fiance agreed to helping out around the house, then I suppose there is nothing to do about it. But I do agree with you that things should be equal. I really wish it were, and I am so sorry you are going through this.

    Good luck!

    Post # 9
    Member
    10851 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2010

    As far as I’m concerned, no one “owes” you anything. It’s nice when families contribute, but it shouldn’t be an expectation or something you deserve. How they choose to handle their finances is their business, just like how many people and how big of a wedding you’re hosting is your business. I think you need to re-examine your budget and guestlist and have a wedding you can afford to have, don’t go into debt over a wedding.

    Post # 11
    Member
    14186 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Learn to say “NO”. It’ll be the best thing you can do for your marriage =]. it’ll take time, just work on it slowly

    Post # 12
    Member
    1391 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I agree with greenleaf! If they don’t want to pay then maybe you should reexamine your guest list! Start with how many people you can AFFORD and go from there. If they don’t like it then they can just get over it! Don’t go into debt over a wedding and I certainly wouldn’t expect anything from them! How great of your Dad to be supporting you like that ๐Ÿ™‚

    P.s. my mom would poop bricks if I told her about this whole “loan” business lol

    Post # 14
    Member
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    I agree with greenleaf as well.  

    The loans are a separate issue and if Fiance took them knowing payback was expected then that has absolutely nothing to do with the wedding or the $500 they gave him.  Loans in my family are expected to be repaid as well.  None of us has a lot of money to give away and some have borrowed more than others.  One of my brothers was given a large wedding present in the form of his loans being written off.  It was much more than he would have gotten as a gift otherwise but his Fiance was ticked.  He was only loaned the money because he was writing bad checks and my parents didn’t want his credit to be ruined while he was still in college. 

    You keep talking about fairness, but he is an only child.  It is not like they paid for a wedding for another sibling and not him.  My family paid for my 3 sisters weddings and they aren’t contributing anything to mine.  They feel bad about it it, but my Dad is gone and my Mom is retired and stuggling, so there is no way and I don’t expect it.  As far as fairness between the families- it doesn’t work that way.  I have 3 sisters and 3 brothers- it would not have been right for my parents to match whatever the other side gave in each of those weddings.

    FI’s family just told Fiance they will give a few thousand as that is what they paid toward expenses for his brother and sister.  I am thrilled and grateful, but I do not think it is owed to us.  

    Their money is theirs and they get to spend and give it as they wish, no matter how much of it they have.  It does mean they have no say in the guest list or the meal, etc.  It sounds to me like they don’t see weddings as a big deal and do not wish to spend their money on one.  You may not agree, but that is how some families do things (potluck dinner in the church basement may be fine in their eyes).  

    Post # 16
    Member
    1830 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    While I agree and say you aren’t owed anything and shouldn’t feel entitled to any money from them, it’s just kind of appalling that they are being such misers about it. It is rude and a reflection of the type of people they are that they do not WANT to give anything to you, knowing that the burden of the guest list is mostly on their side of the family.

    I say you should count how many people you want from your side + friends, then match that to the other side. If you only have 25 people on your side that you must invite, then FI’s side only gets 25. They want more, too bad. I wouldn’t even give them an option to pay. I would just put my foot down right there and say no, you do not get a say.

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