(Closed) My Finace’s family is tearing me apart

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
  • poll:
  • Post # 17
    Member
    14181 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I couldn’t disagree with you more. Being an only child does not make you more entitled to money. My parents only have myself to support from now on, but I NEVER think, “gee, they should spend more money on me because i don’t have siblings”. You may not understand it, but complaining about it isn’t going to help you in the long run. It’s best to learn to do things without help, then if it comes along, it’s like “Oh sweet!” not like “eh, it was expected”. You think they’re being selfish about their money (and they sound like they could be stingy, but hey, people who are stingy with their money have it for a reason, right?) but it’s possible they don’t share the same views on marriage and other stuff than you do. Is it possible they think a wedding is an unnecessary expense like mine do (possibly b/c mine had a very small intimate wedding)?Not to mention, my parents said “you never know what can happen” and they didn’t want to ‘waste” their money on a wedding for me, when divorce rates are 50% and they told me, “you could get divorced down the road, then would we get our money back? no. It’s your party, you should pay for it”. Do i agree with their reasoning? Eh, it makes sense. All i have to do is respect it.

    If they prefer to spend their money on themselves, that’s their perogative. They’ve raised an adult son and chances are he is more than capable of taking care of himself and paying for his own things in life. At what point is a parent supposed to pay for their kids stuff just because they can? Usually it stops after you graduate high school or college. Some parents don’t pay for their kids weddings, even if they can afford to, but acting like they SHOULD makes you ssound like a spoiled fiance, I’m sorry. You’ll just have to get over it. I think that because you already don’t care for his parents, though, that it’s making this into a bigger issue than it should be, which I can totally completely understand.

    And I don’t think your FMIL’s rationale about how if guests spend money at the stag/doe party they’ll spend less at the wedding is that far off. I budget things like bridal shower and bachelorette gifts into the overal wedding gift. Otherwise I’d spend like $200 and I only try to spend around $100 in general. She probably wasn’t too tactful about it, but I get what she’s sayin. Cut their guest list!

    Post # 18
    Member
    1454 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 1969

    I voted “No, they are never going to change so stop wishing it.” Now I don’t think it’s 100% that though. They don’t OWE you anything (no parent does) but they seem to be just stringing you along. Should they help you if they can, because they care? YES. It’s nothing “owed” but it’s something most parents should um, WANT to do if they can. My mom cried tons to me about how she wished she could help us. So soemthing else is going on there. Trust me, I know. My Mother-In-Law was a nightmare, promised us a ton then told us 4 months before the wedding she wasn’t giving us anything. We had to cancel our reception. It was horrible. If I were you I would just move on instead of trying to get a promise out of them… which they could just end up not keeping. Trust me, best way to do it is to not rely on others who aren’t trustworthy!!!

    Post # 20
    Member
    1418 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I agree with many of the PPs.  CUT THE GUEST LIST.  They do not have to give you anything (though of course it is always appreciated when families are able to or want to contribute), but with that said, you should not be expected to give them anything either – i.e. a huge wedding for every person they know.  Use the budget you have and plan the event you want with that!  They have no say in it, so just do what you and your Fiance want and let that be it.  If they have problems with it, you say “No, the decision has already been made”.  Good luck!  

    Post # 21
    Member
    86 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    they don’t owe you a dime.

    Post # 23
    Member
    318 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: February 2011

    But the one thing I don’t understand is the comment about him being an only child. That’s the point, he is their only child.

    My point was that was why fairness didn’t apply.  It isn’t like he is being treated unfairly compared to anyone else.  As an only child they may have wanted to make sure they didn’t spoil him.  Or they may just be self-centered people.  But either way it isn’t unfair, just how it is.

     

    To me, it is pure selfishness on their behalf. A wedding IS a big deal.

    I can totally see you logic, esp with them spending money right and left, but you guys are not entitled to have your wedding paid for.  And it may be a big deal to you, but it very well may not be to them.  And that is not a slam on your relationship, they may think a potluck wedding in a garage or church basement is as good as any wedding and they don’t see any benefit to fancier than that.  One of my cousins had a wine tasting and ice sculptures at their wedding.  That was fine as they wanted it, but if I were being asked to contribute- I probably would have suggested cutting corners as well!  

    There are different levels of what is normal from family to family.  When we go out with FI’s family they almost always pay our way.  This made me VERY uncomfortable at first, but I realized that is how they do it in their family.  When we go out with my family- each couple pays their own meal and one of us usually picks up my mother’s tab.  

    Post # 26
    Member
    79 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: July 2010

    Bee Bee, I think that you have to just accept the fact that your priorities doesn’t necessarily equal your in-laws priorities. Maybe it was a priority for them to upgrade their house rather than to spend money on what they might consider to be a party. 

    Different families have different values. In my family, I’ve always been made aware that the only thing my parents OWED me was a roof, education, clothing, and food until adulthood. Everything else was a privilege.  So when my parents offered money for my wedding, I considered it a privilege, not something owed to me and I am grateful. But if they hadn’t offered it, I wouldn’t have expected it or gotten upset about it because that’s not the way it goes in my family.

    Now if they’d contributed to other weddings of other children in the past and then decided not to contribute to yours, then I could understand some annoyance (as edgypeanuts stated) but since that hasn’t been the case, it appears as though this is just his family’s way. 

    I would just cut the guest list and move on.

     

    Post # 27
    Member
    14181 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    Why not paint the house, buy a flat screen, a gps, a camera and get Italian marble AFTER your son’s wedding? It’s a slap in the face.

    I don’t understand….i don’t feel “slapped in the face” even though my parents go on vacations 3-4 times a year for 2 weeks at a time and didn’t pay for my wedding. To them, perhaps their son’s wedding is not as important as working on their own home. Weddings are not always a big deal to people. Their home is their priority perhaps, just like your wedding is YOUR priority.

    If they want to go on vacation or do their house FOR THEMSELVES, I don’t see why it’s so insulting to you guys. Or why they “owe” your Fiance more than the fact that they’ve raised him to be a good man. I’m assuming, or otherwise you wouldn’t be marrying him =]

    Does your Fi share these sentiments? Does he feel like his parents should be giving him money, too, or is this just your opinion? Because I don’t think I’d like it very much if my husband was saying things like “your parents are rich, they can afford it, they should give us XYZ”. It’s the wrong sentiment to have marrying into a family.

    You should be grateful for what you have, not bitter over what you don’t have.

    Post # 28
    Member
    86 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: January 2011

    they don’t owe your fi a dime either.  seriosuly, what are your priorities? perhaps you should be more concerned about marriage than the wedding. if you financially can’t have the wedding you want, either suck it up and deal with what you can afford or take out a loan.

    Post # 29
    Member
    5822 posts
    Bee Keeper

    Could it be that they are traditionalists and believe that the bride’s family ought to pay for the wedding?

    My ex-BFs family was a lot like your Future In-Laws, they had money and every financial transaction was formal, almost like a bank.  I think that you should just cut the guest list to what you can afford (ALL of the cuts should be HIS family) but keep in mind that your Fiance should have a say in which of HIS family members he is cutting because he will be accountable to them.  Get your Fiance to pay off his parents ASAP, and get all the ugly financials between them out of your life.  You don’t need that hanging over your heads.  And after all that is over, you’ll have more freedom to decline dinners and chores and such.  (I’m sure that they guilt him into the chores!)

    Post # 31
    Member
    14181 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    If they are so horrible you shouldn’t want anything from them. Work on cutting back your visits and putting a little space in there. Especially since your Fiance is so troubled by it. Maybe he should see a therapist; it sounds like he could benefit from some professional advice on how to deal with his parents.

    The wedding is a good time in your life to say “it’s about US, not YOU” and to put a wedge up and define what’s ok behavior and what’s not, in regards to the in-laws. They will have to realize their son is getting married and you can’t ask favors.

    The topic ‘My Finace’s family is tearing me apart’ is closed to new replies.

    Find Amazing Vendors