(Closed) My Finace’s family is tearing me apart

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
  • poll:
  • Post # 33
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    x100 what Greenleafmountain said.

    Uninvite all of their guests ASAP.  Tell them that their guests are welcome, how much it costs for each, and that you need to know whether or not to invite them so that you can go on with the rest of your plans by the end of the week.  You have the better bargaining chip, use it.

    Post # 35
    Member
    523 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2009

    You said that 90% of the guests are his family.  Send Fiance over to talk with his parents explaining that your family isn’t in a position to pay for all of his parents’ guests, and that if they want to invite people to the wedding from their side, they need to help in some way.  You might be stuck with their time or energy instead of money if money is tight, but a gesture that shows that they recognize that they are not entitled to your or your parents’ funds and that they should help will go a long way.

    Post # 36
    Member
    18627 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2009

    I agree, pay for it all yourself.  I wouldn’t even accept their help since it might come with strings attached since they think your Fiance is their slave already.  Let your wedding be a celebration of the two of you, have the people that you want to be there (and can afford), and enjoy yourselves.  If they want to whine because their second cousins aren’t invited, oh well.

    Post # 37
    Member
    570 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: January 2009

    I’m curious about what you think is unfair about it (you said to ejs that FAIR IS FAIR).  Also, if you don’t need the money from them (you said something about the fact that you are not going into debt and it’s not more than you can afford), why worry about it?

    Post # 38
    Member
    5785 posts
    Bee Keeper

    My delete.

    Post # 39
    Member
    2640 posts
    Sugar bee

    Well I don’t think parents necessarily owe their kids money for a wedding.  While it’s nice, and I picture myself doing it, I don’t think it’s a reason to hate them.  HOwever, it sounds like the money for the wedding is being grouped with general issues Fiance has with his family.  So I can see why there are issues.

    I think there are reasonable circumstances why someone would have to repay a loan to a family member.  So that doesn’t strike me as odd.  But there certainly could be more to the story that makes it strange.

    However, I think that your Fiance should just decide how to stand up to his parents.  If he wants to keep going over for dinner and cotinue to do household chores, OK.  But if doesn’t want to be treated like that, he should just decline dinner invitations.  Actually when you joked about working off his loan, I was kind of thinking that was seriously what he was doing.  Otherwise he’d stop agreeing to the dinners.

    But if he’s grown up to pay for his own wedding, and not live under their roof, etc, then he should not expect their money for the wedding.  Maybe they didn’t offer because they felt as though he didn’t need the money.  I guess you could turn it around and look at it this way, if he’s grown up enough to get married, live on his own, and pay for his own wedding (in their eyes, aay?), then he’s not required to do chores “around the house” for them anymore.  Furthermore, the money they obviously have to pay for their home improvements, they can use to pay for someone to mow their lawn.

     

    Post # 40
    Member
    360 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2010

    I too agree with Greenleaf. They dont contribute, they dont get a say in who comes. Take your FMIL’s advice and cut corners (i.e. cut her guest list). You invite who you want…if they have a problem with it, they can pay for the people left off the guest list to come. There clearly isnt any debating about it with them, so dont bother. Its your and your FH wedding, do what you guys want!

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