My first post- feeling a little sad right now

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1577 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

He’s allowed to not be ready, but it doesn’t sound like you’ll be content waiting until next January. You need to open the communication. 

Post # 17
Member
2811 posts
Sugar bee

sdxz554 :  Lots of people move in to find out if they’re compatible living together before deciding to get married – like it’s the step between dating and getting married. I would never have decided to marry someone i hadn’t lived with for a solid chunk of time. 

Post # 18
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

jannigirl :  this.

to be fair, I also don’t quite understand these very committed dating relationships. (Cohabiting, multi year relationships, joint financial plans, etc.) Either we’ve chosen each other (engagement/ marriage) or we haven’t (dating). If I want to marry him and he doesn’t want me, I start looking for a better deal. That’s tough if your relationship looks like a marriage in terms of how entwined things are.

OP, your future is worth discussing whenever you feel like it. Talk to the man.

 

Post # 20
Member
362 posts
Helper bee

courtney550 :  Wait. That sounds different than not even discussing an engagement until January 2019. 

Saving for a ring makes sense but planning a proposal, no matter how elaborate, does not take 9 months. And both of you should be planning the wedding together! 

Have you indicated to him that you want a very expensive ring or big showy proposal? You mentioned in your first post that you hadn’t discussed rings with him so my guess is you haven’t. 

Some of these sound like excuses designed to get you off his back and make you feel guilty for asking. Which I am not a fan of. You should be able to discuss the future with him without feeling like you’re nagging him. 

Post # 21
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

wolfeyes :  

This.  Exactly.  How does he get the right to arbitrarily foreclose any chance of discussing their shared future?  

courtney550 :  

In an evolving, healthy relationship, couples talk often about the status of the relationship, their shared goals, their hopes and dreams for the future.  Where there are conflicts, they negotiate.

You have surrendered.

Post # 22
Member
10675 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

courtney550 :  

Oh, dear Bee.  This is the 12,437th time the guy has stalled claiming he has to plan the super-duper-magical-memorable proposal with the Hope Diamond.  He needs extra time to work out all the details and arrange to have Adele sing for you.

Honest expressions of how you’re feeling are not ‘pressure’.  There are reasons why you are feeling so awful about the status of your relationship and it’s not all you.  He’s not going to faint like a goat because you let him know your true feelings.

Please try to be more clear eyed about what he’s telling you.

 

 

Post # 24
Member
359 posts
Helper bee

Bee, I feel that feel. My partner and I have discussed marriage on-and-off since last spring when it first got brought up. At that time, we went a few months without discussing as my partner wasn’t ready yet. Now he’s had some time and we came up with a plan for a proposal together. I think people who are saying, “If he wants to marry you, he should start now!” are being really impractical. It takes time, money, and work to get to the point where you’re ready to get married.

Nobody would say that a guy who says he wants kids doesn’t REALLY want them because he’s not actively trying to have them. Give your partner the time he wants and try to bring up low-stress conversations about it if possible. Start sharing your ideas and get him comfortable with the topic. Think of it like boiling a frog: if you wait until 2019 and spring it on him, he might jump out. But if you slowly turn up the heat by making it low-pressure, he’ll get more comfortable. 

But mostly, don’t panic, and don’t let what other people say bug you. 😉 You do you girl.

Post # 25
Member
358 posts
Helper bee

courtney550 :  I’m on the other end of this. In fact, my boyfriend and I just a had a talk last night. He talks marriage, and asked me pointedly what I’d say if he proposed to me. I told him I’m really enjoying being a girlfriend right now. We’re talking about moving in together around the new year if things keep going as they are. I think he’s wanting to get engaged when I move in, but I’m not ready. It doesn’t mean I won’t ever be.

Live in the moment and enjoy today. I know you are probably feeling left out because all the marriage stuff going on around you, but your time will come. Two years is not that long really. He agreed to revisit the talk (around the same time my guy will probably want to revisit ours as well, conicidentally). Don’t make him feel pressured or stressed out. When you revisit the conversation next year, set a time line then.

Post # 26
Member
923 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Interesting. Did he seriously tell you that because he loves you so much and wants to get engaged… he’s putting off the engagement in order to pick a ring (that you could help him pick tomorrow)? Even though your stated preference is to be engaged now, not waiting for a perfect moment? Oh, bee. 

“Will you marry me?” is four words. Four free words. Weddings and rings cost money, but you can be married for the price of a certificate. People upgrade rings all the time.

This delay isn’t about not being able to give you what you want (a commitment from him)… it’s about his present unwillingness to do so. That’s fine, but you owe it to yourself to understand why he’s not ready- beyond his very common, very old excuse.

 

Post # 27
Member
123 posts
Blushing bee

courtney550 :  mmmh.. This is completely different. So what is the situation? Is the conversation off the table until January, or the thing is if you’re not engaged by January then you’ll reconsider the relationship? It’s perfectly fine to have an internal walk date – but if the agreement is NO engagement related convos until January, then you can’t expect it to happen by then. 

I would understand if the situation was: “give me some time to get my head straight/plan a proposal/make sure I am doing the right thing/whatever and let’s leave the topic alone until January 2019. By then, I will propose”. Many people need to reach the conclusion on their own and yes, you need to trust them that it will happen. If it doesn’t happen by date X, you have the choice to stay or go.

Completely different is: let’s not talk about it until January 2019 and in Jan 2019 I’ll tell you where I stand. This just means he cannot be bothered discussing it. If the proposal and the expensive rings are the reasons, just tell him you don’t need a fancy one and you can upgrade in a few years. Regarding the wedding, it’s not mandatory to have a 12 month engagement, you can have a longer one if money is an issue.

Post # 28
Member
8323 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

courtney550 :  

Oh dear, your update sounds like he’s another guy stalling with the ‘ l need a year to find the right ring and time and place and plan the wedding ‘ thing. The first couple of things are all too common, but plan the wedding?  Does  he not imagine you want to do this too. Plus it what you do after the engagement , not use as an excuse to put off the engagement . 

And it’s already got you in the all too familiar position of blaming yourself for ‘pressuring’, nagging’’, ‘pushing’. All the things women get accused of if they want to an take active role in their own shared future. 

What’s he not ready for? Commitment? Commitment to you?

And, seriously OP, wait a year , a year, before you are allowed to bring it up again!!  Time to stop the randomly bringing it up, and crying etc and time to woman up and instigate a proper conversation in which you clearly state what you want and expect . And in which you find out exactly what he’s not ready for  -and why his desire to plan some elaborate proposal scenario  trumps your desire to get engaged earlier and with less fanfare. 

I’d be willing to lay odds that pretty much all of these guys who insist they need forever to plan The Proposal of The Century either never do it at all, or get dumped.

Post # 29
Member
215 posts
Helper bee

I see it as a guy who legitimately wants more time because he hasn’t quite got his head around actually proposing or is ready to plan a wedding right now. And when you asked again so soon he probably felt he had to come up with “valid excuses” for you to be happy with why he was not ready.  

In your posts you repeatedly mention how all these people around you are getting engaged or married. Do you feel you would be in such a rush if they weren’t? From what you are saying you have baby fever.. but for weddings. Enjoy living together for now, a lot can change in a year. Plus January is only 8 months away. Plan a fun trip so you have something else to look forward to. Think of it as progressing your relationship. Try to experience things with your SO so you can see him in other situations. 

You set the January 2019 date… and he agreed to it… what does it really hurt waiting that amount of time? 

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