(Closed) My first wedding, his third

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
1365 posts
Bumble bee

@ekparisi: No tips from me but I really feel for you. I understand how exciting the prospect of engagement can be and I want to know that my partner feels just as excited about it as I do. Honestly, I think that if your guy is proposing to you, he will be feeling pretty darn loved-up and excited about it. I see why you are concerned but I don’t think you should be. He is planning to spend the rest of his life with you, and whilst he may have had negative experiences in the past, those needn’t colour the happiness of your current relationship. Trust him and trust that he loves you and wants this wedding and marriage just as much as you do. Of course he does, or else he wouldn’t be thinking of asking. All the best to you both.

Post # 4
Member
11356 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

@ekparisi: I have not been in your situation, and I know that I do not know you or your fiance, but, I am concerned for you. I have a dear friend who married a man she was absolutely crazy about.  She believed he was perfect for her, and she for him.  But he had been divorced twice.  I realize that’s not the same thing as your FI’s situation, because the second relationship you referenced was a broken engagement and not a divorce; however, I am asking myself what would cause a woman to break her engagement two weeks before her wedding, after all the planning had occurred and the vast majority of the money had already been spent.  Certainly, a broken engagement would not necessarily be cause for concern.  However, that fact, coupled with the fact that he is divorced, at least raises some red flags for me.

I think you would be very, very wise to take more time in this relationship before making the decision to become engaged.  If and when you do become engaged, I would strongly urge you and your Fiance to undergo some extensive pre-marriage counseling.  Time — and counseling — should help to give you an opportunity to make very sure that you are making the right choice to marry him, before you commit your life to him.

My friend married quickly, and, although her fiance did agree to a few counseling sessions, he did not see the value in it.  Tragically, very soon after their wedding and romantic, expensive honeymoon, things began to deteriorate.  My friend was totally miserable, and ended up leaving her marriage after just a year and a half.  She now deeply regrets making what she felt was a huge mistake, and she wishes she had known many things about her Fiance before she became his wife. 

I do not want to be negative.  However, I just wanted to share this story with you in case it may help you in some way.

Post # 5
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ekparisi:I think if you love him and you want to be with him, you’re just going to have to work on getting over it. If you feel like you need to talk to him about the negative emotions you have, then I guess go for it, but unfortunately there’s not really much he can say except reassure you. And if you are secure in your relationship, you really shouldn’t need that reassurarance, right? 

I agree that it sucks, my boyfriend has also had a broken engagement. But I knew that going into the relationship, and moving forward with the relationship, and so do you. So if you love him I think it’s just one of those unfortunate, negative-feelings-generating issues that you’re just going to have to deal with yourself. 

It does make me feel kind of … blah.. that my bf had a broken engagement, but I feel like if I brought it up with him he would think it was sort of a silly thing to worry about given how in love we are, so I just try not to think about it. This makes ME feel sort of silly to say, but his relationship history kind of makes me want to have a pretty short engagement because I’m a tiny bit afraid, what if he is just the type to only get cold feet once it’s very serious? (he’s the one who broke it off)

But yeah.. my advice: pretty frank – don’t let it bug you, don’t think about it, nothing you can do to change the past, move on.

Post # 6
Member
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

@ekparisi:after reading the response above about ‘red flags’ i feel I should add – do you know WHY his previous relationships deteriorated? That’s important. If it was for logical reasons that you understand and don’t make you uneasy, then I would say get over it and move forward. If it’s for sketchy reasons that cast doubt on his character or ability commit… give it some more time and you’re right to feel hesitant.

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