(Closed) My first wedding-related crying sess – guest list of course

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
671 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2018

Ugh, this aunt of yours is being a pill.  First of all, she’s being selfish.  Second, I doubt your cousin Danny is even aware of your wedding yet, much less wouldn’t care whether he got to bring a guest or not! 

This purely sounds like female drama!!  I think the first two paragraphs of your response are excellent but I would drop the third.  Don’t stoop to her level and get catty.  Hold your ground and don’t cave, but take the high road.  And you’ll be getting a response card eventually from her, so you will see who many of the 7 seats they will actually be using in the end. 

I can TOTALLY understand why you are upset and why you cried but try not to dwell.  There are planty of other “fun” details to focus on and give your attention to so you don’t have to focus on the negative.  She’s not worth bringing you down!!!!

Post # 4
Member
57 posts
Worker bee

Hi,

since you asked for feedback, imo this is not the right time to truly show how you feel. miss manners would say something more like this

 

I’m sorry you’re disappointed in the decisions E & I have made for our wedding; deciding upon a final guest list was a difficult and trying process. We will be happy to see as many of the seven of you as choose to come.

Best

this will be a good opportunity for you to practice a serene, if completely false, smile which will serve you well all through life. weddings can start feuds that do not end for generations. you can rise above her level. good luck!

Post # 5
Member
115 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

OMG! So sorry you have to deal with this.  It seems so crazy that people can not respect your very reasonable decision.  I think that your response is good.  Its to the point.  You left no room for argument.  You made your decision and thats that.  Good for you.  Its amazing that people don’t get it.  Its not her dime that will be paying for this “date” its yours.  Its really to bad that she’s making YOUR day more stressful.  I haven’t sent out invites yet and I’m nervous about it.  I wish that EVERYBODY could be there, and I know I’m going to hurt a lot of feelings by not inviting some.  EEK!  BUT, you can only do so much.  People don’t understand how much money it cost and things that are sacrificed just to have a few more people there.  Good luck, and whatever comes of this you will still be walking down the aisle to the man you love!  That in itself is enough! =)

Post # 7
Member
1426 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Well, as frustrating as it may be, I would not send that text- it’s way to harsh and will only ramp up the drama, rather than make it go away (which is what you want.) Plus, I really don’t think the “happiest time” thing was her saying she wasn’t happy about your wedding, but that she was sorry it was causing you stress. I would say something like

“I’m truly very sorry that we can’t accommodate a date for him.  We wish we could have given everyone a plus one, but there simply isn’t space in the room.  We’ve met both J and [S’s boyfriend- use his name], and invited them because of this. Our invitations went out before we knew S and [S’s boyfriend] broke up.  Our decision not to offer people dates was not based on how adult or not adult we felt they were, but based on the fact that we simply do not have the space.  None of our single friends or family were given dates no matter what their age.  Brad and J have a child together, and so their situation is more like that of a married couple than a single person wishing to bring a date.  There were even some family members who we were not able to invite at all.  Again, I’m very sorry it has to be this way, but we are already at full capacity for our venue and we simply cannot add anyone to our list.”

 

Saying this will make it less personal.  Telling her not to judge or criticize, or that her email was inappropriate (while true) will only make the situation worse.  Just make it about space.  If you make it about money, she may offer to pay, which will just make the whole thing more awkward.  I would say send her one last message, and then if she asks again in the future, just say “I’m sorry, I’ve explained my reasons, and we still cannot accommodate a date.” and leave it at that.  Good luck, and sorry you’re dealing with this…

Post # 8
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Maybe saying judge and criticize is too strong? I mean, I COMPLETELY agree with you, but maybe consider running this by your Fiance and parents (or whoever the aunt is directly related to)? I know I tend to get angry fast and I’ve mastered biting responses which I sometimes end up regretting. Also, it’s always best to give it a day or so before you respond so you have a clear mind and you’ve had time to think over what you’re going to say.

Post # 9
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I wouldn’t apologize for anything.  You haven’t done anything wrong.  She is trying to guilt you into getting what she wants.  I might just respond with something like, “Thank you for understanding how difficult this is.  I look forward to receiving your RSVP.”

She knows she is being difficult, and even if she doesn’t, it is her problem, not yours.  If you make this exception, how many others will you have to make?  It is a slippery slope I don’t think you want to start down.

Be strong, hold your ground, and take the high road!  Good luck.

Post # 10
Member
655 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

Wow, she is being manipulative and pushy. I think you should take the high road and write back.

I am sorry to disapppoint you and Danny. Thank you for respecting our decision.

Love, Your Name

I really wouldn’t engage the conversation any further or make any further justifications. You have a solid system that you are holding everyone to and had to make sacrifices as well. Stick to your decision and don’t allow her to disrespect you any further.

EDIT: @Ms.Moonlight’s wording is really good, too!

Post # 11
Member
368 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I agree with greenleafmountain’s approach. Instead of going down to her level I would just explain the reasons why you had your decision. I think if you send your original email it will only fuel the fire, which is going to make you more upset. I understand how upset you are, but try to be the better person because in the end you freaking out on her is only going to make yourself upset as well.

Post # 12
Member
3762 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

I like the short and sweet approach.  The more you try to justify  your point of view, the more she will try to justify hers.  You already know shes upset and she knows your side of it and she has agreed.  Leave it at that and seat her by the stinky bathroom.

Post # 13
Member
380 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I agree with the short and sweet approach. “Thank you for understanding the limitations of a guest guest list. It was very difficult but we managed to come up with what was best for us. Looking forward to celebrating with you!”

Post # 14
Bee
2362 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010 - New York Botanical Garden

I think everyone has offered great advice so far…I just wanted to chime in and say HUGS – wedding planning can be really hard but always remind yourself that it WILL be wonderful and you WILL be married to your love the next day and all the days after that!  Thinking of that is what gets me through the stuff like this!

Post # 15
Member
204 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

What a mean and manipulative thing to do and to say! Don’t worry, she sounds like the kind of person who’s her own reward. 🙂 I think she is expecting a rise out of you, so don’t give it to her – the short and sweet approach is simultaneously the most classy for you and the most irritating for her! This e-mail should not be longer than a two-liner (the examples by other posters above are great), and the discussion should be considered closed. Good luck!

Post # 16
Member
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Argh, that is what I like to call sister drama through and through. I bet your cousin barely cares if he gets a date since he’s single, but my mom and her sisters have little power struggles like this all the time. I feel your pain, although my family is not quite as big as yours it’s very close, and it’s so stressful! Your aunt is clearly manipulating you (well, trying) and I would respond with the first two paragraphs of your response, and just leave out the last. 

You put a lot of time and thought into this, it’s not like you just assumed that he didn’t deserve a plus one. Don’t let her guilt you into thinking otherwise. 

The topic ‘My first wedding-related crying sess – guest list of course’ is closed to new replies.

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