(Closed) My FMIL doesn’t know we are getting married.

posted 9 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: January 2009

OH dear!!! I totally feel you… You have to be understanding and think of your in law as if you were her… I know is difficult but imagining being a widow and now having to “lose” your beloved son… some moms would get really possessive of their sons and try to make anything they can to keep them home as  long as they can.  I understand you feel like he is not giving you the importance you deserve as his future WI but the wed is still some months away… I think u should give him some time, dont attack him or get “intense” with the subject.  Tell him you understand his situation but you expect him to understand how you feel.  You should also try to tell her together, that way she may not saying nothing crazy to him, without you being there… (it all depends on how u think she would act) … it is not a good idea to fight this battle… trust me moms always win…

Post # 4
Hostess
18637 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh girl that is horrible!  I honestly don’t see why he can’t tell her that you are getting married.  It’s not like she will be happy if he springs it on her a week before and she finds out that he hasn’t told her for months and months!

Post # 5
Member
873 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Sigh.  Been there 🙁  In FI’s culture (where we live – it’s not like he is even from a different cultural background living in Canada) – it’s uncommon to tell family members about your boyfriend/girlfriend until you have decided to get married.  I totally don’t understand this (especially having lived through it for 4 years).  It’s supposed to be because ‘family is important, so you don’t introduce the person until you are sure.’  However, in my opinion, because family is important, you should introduce the person long before you’ve made that decision so everyone has a chance to get used to each other/family dynamics are worked out.  This whole madness meant that my mother actually flew from Canada to Korea to meet Fiance BEFORE he told his parents that we were going to get married.  (This despite the fact that I live 45 minutes away from his parents house and had already been introduced to them as ‘his friend.’)

The reason that I’m telling you all this is because although this is a less than ideal situation, and before I went through it, I would have told someone else in a similar situation to ‘GET OUT!’, it actually worked out okay for us in the end.  My only advice is to continue to lovingly impress on him the importance of informing his mother, and how (despite your personal feelings about her), that you want her to know because you want to be incorporated into his family.  Sometimes people feel that marriage is about leaving a family, but hopefully for most people it is about combining two families and/or adding another member.  Perhaps your Fiance and his family need to know that you will augment his life and his family instead of taking him away from the people he is close to.

Post # 7
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

That is a really hard issue!  I hope you resolv e it with your Mother-In-Law and I truly hope you get the wedding you are hoping for!

Post # 8
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2010

I am sorry that you are having issues like this with your Fiance and his family.  I have been with my man for almost 6 yrs now as BF/GF and have met everyone in his family. We have been going to family dinners, etc for a very long time. So now that we got engaged on Christmas and I have ‘shouted it from the rooftops’ to Everyone I know…I feel a bit of a let down that he has yet to tell his kids, ex-wife, and mother and father. I’m on FaceBook and have posted it everywhere…his family is on there too and extended family have seen it and said congrats…his 17 son and his mother even had to find out from a cousin that is on FB….she said they was shocked and she felt that she had let the ‘cat out of the bag’! I told her not to apologize, that it was FI’s fault he hadnt called them in person.  Why wouldnt he want to ‘shout it from the rooftops’ like I did?? It gives me a little bit of an uneasy feeling to tell you the truth.

Post # 9
Member
1363 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

wow.  I could not handle that.  I hope it’s getting easier and that you fiance realizes it’s important (at least to you, it would be to me too) to tell her sooner rather than later.

Post # 10
Member
97 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Well, my husband didn’t tell his parents we were getting married until soon before we did.  He is weird with his parents and didn’t want to hear them possibly criticize our international marriage.  I don’t totally understand because my mom is one of my bff’s and I can’t imagine leaving her out of the loop.  Maybe he is afraid of how she will react or he has an idea of how she will react and just doesn’t want to deal with it.  I’m not saying what he’s doing is right but I have been there and I can relate.  What I did was cried and said when he blows off telling his parents, it seems to me as if it isn’t important to him and therefore I’m not important to him.  He immediately sorted it out.  Best of luck!

Post # 12
Member
250 posts
Helper bee

As a mother of the bride, I would give him a reasonable timeline to tell her~ arrive at something you BOTH agree upon.    

 

The added stress is so unnecessary to the bride.

Post # 13
Member
14183 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Oh man, he needs to tell her. Tell him that he needs to tell her, privately, or you’ll tell her yourself! Screw it, invite her out to dinner and the two of you tell her. She can’t possibly make a big scene at a nice restaurant, can she?….try to make it like an “omg we’re engaged!” versus a creepy “we didn’t want to tell you cuz we knew you’d freak out…BUT…” otherwise she may get resentful and even more of a bia

Post # 14
Member
2288 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

Part of this to me also seems like a respect issue. Your Future Mother-In-Law is going to have to accept that her son loves you, and you’re going to be the number one person in his life. It sounds like you’re going to need her support if your marriage is going to be a happy one.

Post # 16
Member
972 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Are you freaking serious??? What a toxic woman, I’m so sorry! I’m sure this must be so horrible for you right now. ((HUGS)) 🙁

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