(Closed) My FMIL invited her family to stay at my house the week of my wedding and after!

posted 4 years ago in Guests
Post # 31
2553 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

usnavyfiance:  You don’t handle it, your Fiance does.  It does not matter if he cares that they stay or not, you do.  It was an inappropriate offer to make without having your permission.  I’m furious on your behalf.  Shoot, want me to call your FMIL?  I can’t guarantee civility.

…come to think of it, I’d want to be pretty sure that your Future Mother-In-Law didn’t run it by your Fiance first.  If he’s being cagey about calling her to cancel, coupled with the fact that he thinks this is ok at all, makes me think it’s entirely possible she asked him and he said yes without ok’ing it with you.

Post # 32
2126 posts
Buzzing bee

Your Fiance needs to support you on this one. The answer is NO, they will not be staying with you, and NEVER offer your home as a hotel without asking again. You let this one slide, it will likely get worse. Mother-In-Law needs boundaries. 

Post # 33
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

This is a 2-step process I think.

First, call the invitee personally and say something like what PPs have suggested: “I apologize for the miscommunication from Future Mother-In-Law but we won’t be able to accommodate you staying with us.” Generally I would avoid explanations because then you always get a little helper (FMIL) trying to solve the presented problems (time/space constraints).

Step 2 is to make your Fiance call his mother and make clear that she is well out of her bounds inviting guests to a home that isn’t hers. Fiance sounds like he’s not really feeling this idea right now but do whatever works to motivate him (if you’re getting married to him I’d imagine you’ve developed some tactics along the way). Full-on escalate bridezilla style if you have to. I would be livid.

I think the major thing is to call the invited family member FIRST before Future Mother-In-Law so that she can’t intervene first when she discovers your intent to un-invite. And make Fiance stand up to mom on his own. Even if she thinks you’re the one pulling the strings it doesn’t matter – you’re going to be the wife and it’s time she got used to him defering to you instead of her.

Post # 34
475 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

We had something similar happen. DH’s family treat our house like their own and invite people to ours all the time without asking us. One cousin even turned up with a friend we’d never met thinking they were going to have a holiday at ours whilst we were on honeymoon! For them it’s a cultural thing but it drives me insane. They kind of know now that I don’t appreciate it and I know they think I’m a bitch but it was causing too many arguments between me and my Darling Husband for me not to just tell them straight. 

That said, I didn’t want me and my Darling Husband falling out before our wedding about our house being taken over, so I just stayed at my parents for a few days before the wedding – so much more relaxing than being in all the chaos that was going on at our house! Good luck op, stand your ground!

Post # 35
589 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would be beyond livid!! My Mother-In-Law had the habit of inviting her family over when we would invite her and her husband for dinner or something – like we’d invite them for a bbq and my husbands grandfather or uncles or whoever would call to ask for details and I would be so mad. To me it’s rude to invite someone to someone else’s home or event without consulting them no matter what the circumstances are! I agree with pps your Fiance needs to set boundaries with her now and back you on this, it will only get worse once you’re married if you don’t nip it in the bud now! Good luck 🙂 

Post # 36
2012 posts
Buzzing bee

usnavyfiance: They’re financial situation isn’t great and yet they want a holiday anyway? I get it’s free accommodation but they’ll still need money for other stuff that they wouldn’t need if they returned home right after the wedding!!

I disagree with the bees saying your Fiance needs to handle it. It’s your house too, right? Plus you already asked him to and he pretty much said no so what now, you’re just expected to suck it up? F*ck no. You even said your Future Mother-In-Law would b*tch about the fact you got hm to handle it so why not just do it yourself? Call her and tell her it was inappropriate to invite other people into your home, that you don’t have enough room and so she’ll need to inform them it’s not happening. Don’t apologise because you’re doing nothing wrong. If she pitches a fit, offer to contact them yourself (and I would do that regardless because she seems like the type of person who will say okay but never actually tell them and then expect you to just deal with it when they rock up anyway).

Post # 37
4258 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2009

Say no!!  No.  This is just silly.  I am not sure how she can expect that but it is ridiculous to do that and expect you to be okay with it.

I cannot understand why so many Bees allow people to rail road them into these situations.  

Post # 38
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

That’s pretty inconsiderate for her to offer up your house like that. I hope your Fiance laid down the law. 

Post # 39
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

usnavyfiance:  “I’ve told Fiance to call her but he doesn’t care if they stay or not, he’ll be at work all week except for Friday!

This is not a Future Mother-In-Law problem. This is a Fiance problem.

You need to read Fiance the riot act. Nothing is going to change until Fiance learns to stand up to his mother. You need to take serious steps to ensure that Fiance puts you ahead of his family.

That said, this is one of the rare cases where I’d go over his head and speak to Future Mother-In-Law or Future Brother-In-Law myself. 

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