Post # 1
So a couple of weeks ago my Future Mother-In-Law asked me what she was supposed to be responsible for for the wedding. She said she had never been the MOG before so I would need to let her know. I told her that I would talk to my Mom and then get back to her. Last night I told my Fiance that according to tradition she should take care of our rehearsal dinner. We are having a fairly small wedding party 3 bm, 3gm, flowergirls, ring bearer. So our dinner count will be around 20. Apparently he told her today and she called me up tonight telling me what she was not going to do for our rehearsal dinner and how I should be taking into consideration that she is a widow and doesn’t have a spouse, and that she would only pay for a buffet, and who was I inviting, and her husband was no longer alive to share the cost with her… pity party etc. A litle background info, her husband who was a big jerk died 4 years ago and left her with way more money than my parents who are paying for the entire wedding will ever see. I just hate her! She also told me that there would be no alcohol at our rehearsal because her sister told her that if she buys the alcohol at the restaurant and someone gets drunk she could be held responsible. Unfortunatley every conversation I have with her goes the same, she feels uncontrollably sorry for herself and than tries to get her way. What should I say? Do we just pay for the dinner ourselves and take the money away from other things we were paying for? Please help
Post # 3
Hmm. That is quite the predicament. I don’t know if you can have your Fiance talk to your Future Mother-In-Law and see if he can knock some sensne into her? I hope this will all work out for you!
Post # 4
I would definately have a talk with Fiance and Future Mother-In-Law so he can hear exactly what is being said. He needs to stick up for you. I would ultimately plan and pay for it myself. It doesn’t seem worth having to hear her complain.
Post # 5
@mrskesslertobe I think you might be right. It’s just that I wanted her to want to do something nice for us, especially since she asked what she could do. But at this point she is taking all the joy out of this rehearsal dinner for me. But there is this stubborn part of me that wants her to at least pay for something for this wedding.
Post # 6
On the crazy Future Mother-In-Law issue: Join the club!!! (JK!)
Regarding the Rehearsal Dinner issue: I think you should just cordially apologize (no matter how ridiculous) for putting her in an “uncomfortable” position and just ask what she WOULD be comfortable contributing (i.e. how much?) This way, if she gives you a budget, you could know how to plan and what the left-over financialy responsibllity would be for you and Fiance. I know she is being crazy and having ridiculous pity parties, but the absolute best way to handle this situation is with total grace. Kill her with kindness! She will never have anything bad to say about you if you begin your relationship on a kind note. 🙂
Post # 7
I think MrsK2be is on the right track. One other option would be to let her give you a set amount–whatever she decides and then let you manage the Rehearsal Dinner, which means you could at least guarantee there will be booze if you want it!
Post # 8
Make your Fiance deal with her. Trust me!
Post # 9
As a rule, your Fiance should be the only one addressing your FMIL’s shortcomings. Whenever there is conflict, your Fiance needs to be the one to tell his mother she’s being unreasonable. What I would suggest you do;
Accept her help with the rehearsal dinner. Let her pay for a buffet. Give her a copy of the guest list (not a negotiation, these are the people that will be there!). If serving alcohol at your rehearsal is truly a big deal to you, then pay for it yourself. With 20 people attending, it won’t be that expensive anyway. Don’t tell your Future Mother-In-Law you will be doing this, just wait until the Rehearsal Dinner, and do it. If she starts to throw a hissy at the Rehearsal Dinner, tell her she is not paying for the alcohol, so there isn’t an issue. (I would also have her pay the restaurant up front for the food and such, tell her they need the money in advance so she doesn’t back out.) If you do all that, then you can have the Rehearsal Dinner you want with the people you want and your Future Mother-In-Law doesn’t get to complain about it.
(I’ve dealt with a woman who victimized herself. You will never change her, and if you do fight with her, you simply make her point for her that she is the victim all the time. Refusing to fight or be baited into fighting deflates her argument.)
Post # 10
You all give such great and rational advice. This is why I love Weddingbee. Thank you for your support