(Closed) My FMIL is trying to sabotage us! VENT!

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
2254 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Wow. I’m sorry that you and your Fiance are going through this. I think a part of her attitude is the fact that no one has stood up to her and her ridiculous behavior. If this is how she is acting now, I would definitely not move in with after the wedding. Marriage is hard enough. You and your Fiance need your privacy and time to yourselves. It will be hard but you both just need to stand your ground with her. If she is claiming that she can’t tell anyone you will be renting or [insert crazy notion here] then that’s on her. Don’t let her behavior dictate your life.

Post # 5
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your Fiance needs to be the buffer, plain and simple.  She should not treat you like that and he should stick up for you at every turn.  Have you talked to him about how you feel?  What does he say about it?

Post # 7
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@80sbee:  I think you should stop going there and ask him to come out to you instead.  It’s clearly really stressful for you and he knows this, and no matter what efforts he’s making, until he moves out he won’t be able to shield you from it.

That may be hard, but until he sets a boundary with them so that you guys can hang out without you having to listen to your Future Mother-In-Law berate you, I think he needs to make the effort to come to you.  Make it clear that you’re not trying to separate the two of them, but that it’s really stressing you out and that you can’t deal with her nagging and you need to hang out somewhere else until she starts being genuinely nice to you.

Good luck, this really sucks 🙁

Post # 8
Member
396 posts
Helper bee

Story of my life.. I have the same issue with my Future Mother-In-Law except I’ve never seen her wear white to a wedding.  She’s upset because we’re not involving her in the planning process (I wouldnt mind including her but SHES NOT PAYING FOR IT) we are! so wtf? she paid for her oldest daughters wedding.. and we’re not even getting a dime.  Slap to the face? Favoritism? yes.. and I’m marrying the Mommas boy.. that makes things even more difficult.

Post # 9
Member
7609 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Oh man.  You two need to move out, like….yesterday.  I don’t think things will get any better until you get some physical distance from her.  Is there any way you can move the house-buying process up a few months?

Post # 11
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

The thing is, it shouldn’t come from you to put her in her place.  If your Fiance can’t do it, how are you going to convince her?  Anything you do she can twist to drive a wedge between you and Fiance.

If you are looking at buying a house, don’t tell her until you buy the house; once the sale is through, it’s not like she can do anything about it.

If you absolutely need to, you can start dropping comments like, “Oh it would be nice to have a built-in babysitter,” and “Yeah, then I wouldn’t really have to do any housework!  You could do it!  That would make life so much easier.”  I don’t know how she would take it and she could use this to turn people against you, but I’d be dying to say them if I were you.

Post # 13
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@80sbee:  I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that he wasn’t, I was only saying that if he can’t do it, there’s probably nothing you can do to stop her.

From a financial standpoint, the area may make sense, but if I were you I’d want a threshhold.  My Fiance and I figured out that with my parents it’s about 40 minutes; that’s how far away we are that they won’t visit a lot and won’t expect us to come down all the time.  If he sees all of the problems that she’s causing, perhaps he’ll understand the need for a similar sort of cushion?

Post # 15
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@80sbee:  I would hug you if I could!  My sister’s having the opposite problem with my parents; she wants them more involved with her kids.  She actually wants them to live in the same house with her.  I think she’s crazy!

Honestly, when I live further from my family, I have a much better relationship with them.  Perhaps you can put it to your Fiance that way; that if you have a little bit of distance, you think it’ll be easier between all of you and you think that’s the best way to have a good relationship.  Even if you’re never the best of friends, at least that would give you enough distance that you’d have the emotional energy to be a saint when you see her, and it would make her appreciate her son more and not take him for granted.  If he looks at it in that light maybe he’ll reconsider neighborhoods?  I’m sure you and his mom having a civil relationship is worth the extra money.

Post # 16
Member
5883 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m so sorry you are going through this. But the only way to deal with it is ignore her. She likes to see you upset, she likes to get between the two of you. So stop giving her the upper hand. If you cant ignore her, then when she points out other women, say “Yeah, they are cute. What about that girl over there, she’s super hot?” If she get’s totally out of hand say “She is cute. Do you think we can invite her over and have a threesome? Let me go get her number…”

As for the house in the same area. Tell Fiance that you cannot live near them. It might make all the financial and logical sense in the world. But emotionally it will not work. Ask him what is more important for your mental and emotional well being or for it to make financial sense?

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