Post # 1
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
This is a plea for help. I cannot take this woman anymore. She is the woman who thinks she is right, ALWAYS. She is the woman who wears white dresses at weddings for attention. She is the woman who cannot let her full grown children leave the house without sobbing and begging for their return (they are in their 30’s and I promise you I am not kidding)
She is trying to come between me and my fiance but she isn’t successful. She is causing us stress yes, but she hasnt pulled us apart. The fact that she tries is hurting me! She insists (by insists I mean her contstant reminders and getting other people to convince us too) that we live with her after we are married.
My fiance moved back home at 30 to save money to buy a house (he was renting a place for years and she never approved) and now she wants him there for good. She doesnt understand the term privacy – there is none. Constantly butts her nose in our wedding planning business when we ask her to stay out. She criticizes my field of work and nags on and on to him thinking I cant hear.
She calls attention to beautiful women pointing them out in front of her son and I am RIGHT THERE when she does! Hello? The woman is a crazed dingbat who pays no attention to her husband and treats her kids like they are 2 years old. No matter how much her kids talk back, she babies them even when they squirm away. I dont appreciate her doing that in front of me! I feel absolutley no respect yet I cannot seem to tell her off.
She has luered her 2 kids (my fiance and future sister in law) in theirs early 30s to live at home with her again because she wants them to save money for a house, but now her plans are to have them all pay for one huge house together. UMM NO WAY! Even when Fiance and Future Sister-In-Law tell her to dream on, she wont quit. Does she not understand I want to start a NEW LIFE with her son and not her?
I’m sick of kissing her butt, I cant speak up.. I feel stuck!
Bees help me before I breakdown. What the F is her problem?
Post # 3
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee
Wow. I’m sorry that you and your Fiance are going through this. I think a part of her attitude is the fact that no one has stood up to her and her ridiculous behavior. If this is how she is acting now, I would definitely not move in with after the wedding. Marriage is hard enough. You and your Fiance need your privacy and time to yourselves. It will be hard but you both just need to stand your ground with her. If she is claiming that she can’t tell anyone you will be renting or [insert crazy notion here] then that’s on her. Don’t let her behavior dictate your life.
Post # 4
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
I’m worried for my health because of this stress
Post # 5
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
Your Fiance needs to be the buffer, plain and simple. She should not treat you like that and he should stick up for you at every turn. Have you talked to him about how you feel? What does he say about it?
Post # 6
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
@HappierKate: I have spoken to him many times and he does stick up for us all the time, but she still is never ending. The fact that she continues to do this in front of me shows a clear lack of respect and its stressing me out. I cant spend quality home time with him because hes living with her and his sister. It feels like a chore to go over and I worry about what shes going to upset me with next.
Post # 7
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
@80sbee: I think you should stop going there and ask him to come out to you instead. It’s clearly really stressful for you and he knows this, and no matter what efforts he’s making, until he moves out he won’t be able to shield you from it.
That may be hard, but until he sets a boundary with them so that you guys can hang out without you having to listen to your Future Mother-In-Law berate you, I think he needs to make the effort to come to you. Make it clear that you’re not trying to separate the two of them, but that it’s really stressing you out and that you can’t deal with her nagging and you need to hang out somewhere else until she starts being genuinely nice to you.
Good luck, this really sucks 🙁
Post # 8
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
Story of my life.. I have the same issue with my Future Mother-In-Law except I’ve never seen her wear white to a wedding. She’s upset because we’re not involving her in the planning process (I wouldnt mind including her but SHES NOT PAYING FOR IT) we are! so wtf? she paid for her oldest daughters wedding.. and we’re not even getting a dime. Slap to the face? Favoritism? yes.. and I’m marrying the Mommas boy.. that makes things even more difficult.
Post # 9
Member
7605 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
Oh man. You two need to move out, like….yesterday. I don’t think things will get any better until you get some physical distance from her. Is there any way you can move the house-buying process up a few months?
Post # 10
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
@Juliepants: Buying early and leaving sooner is what we are hoping for, but we already know now that hearing her cry and complain is going to be a huge battle. This is all going to come from a woman who wants to live under the same roof as us. She gets other people to try to convince us to share a house with her.
I need advice on how to put her in her place without going over the top. I am prepared for the silent treatment. Even when Im very nice but disagreeing with her, I get the silent treatment.. and youd think it would be nice, but it only adds more stress because she complains to others about how Im not being a good FDIL.
Post # 11
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
The thing is, it shouldn’t come from you to put her in her place. If your Fiance can’t do it, how are you going to convince her? Anything you do she can twist to drive a wedge between you and Fiance.
If you are looking at buying a house, don’t tell her until you buy the house; once the sale is through, it’s not like she can do anything about it.
If you absolutely need to, you can start dropping comments like, “Oh it would be nice to have a built-in babysitter,” and “Yeah, then I wouldn’t really have to do any housework! You could do it! That would make life so much easier.” I don’t know how she would take it and she could use this to turn people against you, but I’d be dying to say them if I were you.
Post # 12
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
@HappierKate: He does speak up for us, and he even tells me to come to him when I’m annoyed and he goes off and talks to her. The thing is she never ever stops. Whether her husband or daughter even talk to her about anything that bothers them, she never stops. She does what she wants.
The sad thing about buying a house is that Fiance is seriously considering buying in the same area. His logic is solid from a financial point of view so I cant fault him, but I also hate the fact that its so close. I get anxiety thinking about it.
Post # 13
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
@80sbee: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply that he wasn’t, I was only saying that if he can’t do it, there’s probably nothing you can do to stop her.
From a financial standpoint, the area may make sense, but if I were you I’d want a threshhold. My Fiance and I figured out that with my parents it’s about 40 minutes; that’s how far away we are that they won’t visit a lot and won’t expect us to come down all the time. If he sees all of the problems that she’s causing, perhaps he’ll understand the need for a similar sort of cushion?
Post # 14
Member
229 posts
Helper bee
@HappierKate: That’s okay, I didnt take it in a bad way. I just need a hug!
The distance you speak of crossed my mind. The neighborhood Fiance is thinking of is only a couple of minutes away from his parents and sister.
You know, you would think that a retired couple would want to get the most out of life with each other than invade their childrens lives?
Post # 15
Member
802 posts
Busy bee
@80sbee: I would hug you if I could! My sister’s having the opposite problem with my parents; she wants them more involved with her kids. She actually wants them to live in the same house with her. I think she’s crazy!
Honestly, when I live further from my family, I have a much better relationship with them. Perhaps you can put it to your Fiance that way; that if you have a little bit of distance, you think it’ll be easier between all of you and you think that’s the best way to have a good relationship. Even if you’re never the best of friends, at least that would give you enough distance that you’d have the emotional energy to be a saint when you see her, and it would make her appreciate her son more and not take him for granted. If he looks at it in that light maybe he’ll reconsider neighborhoods? I’m sure you and his mom having a civil relationship is worth the extra money.
Post # 16
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
I’m so sorry you are going through this. But the only way to deal with it is ignore her. She likes to see you upset, she likes to get between the two of you. So stop giving her the upper hand. If you cant ignore her, then when she points out other women, say “Yeah, they are cute. What about that girl over there, she’s super hot?” If she get’s totally out of hand say “She is cute. Do you think we can invite her over and have a threesome? Let me go get her number…”
As for the house in the same area. Tell Fiance that you cannot live near them. It might make all the financial and logical sense in the world. But emotionally it will not work. Ask him what is more important for your mental and emotional well being or for it to make financial sense?