(Closed) My FMIL wants my heirloom ring back… kind of

posted 4 years ago in Rings
Post # 3
12103 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

@DelilahDiamond:  that’s a tough one!  I see where the thought to separate it comes in, and if it was me i’d probably do the oppposite of you, I’d keep the setting and change the stone – not sure why, that’s just what I’d do.

Ultimately, it’s your decision.  How well do you know your FH’s cousin (or do you know her at all).  I do understand how things like this get ‘lost’ – my grandfather apparently forgot that his mother left me one of her diamonds and commented ‘oh so YOU have that’ when I asked him for the story about it.

Post # 4
1918 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

I would keep it.  It was given to you and I think it seems manipulative of the cousin to ask for the ring after your fiance already proposed with it.  It was never hers in the first place, so it seems rude for her to ask.  She already has another piece of her grandmother’s jewelry.

Post # 5
1460 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

If I were you, for the sake of happy family feelings, I would keep the stone, give her the setting, and get one that you adore. Or you and your FI could customize a new setting together and use design elements from the old setting?

I was enraged for you for even having to be asked this by your FMIL, until I read that the setting isn’t your favorite. If you aren’t completely 100% in love with the setting, I would be inclined to give her the setting to keep your FMIL happy, and to give the girl something from her grandmother.

But for me, personally, I think anything that FI gives me is special, so I don’t have the same emotional attachment to the very metal and stones in my E-ring. If I lost it or it was stolen, of course I’d be sad, but the new one would be just as special to me. If you can separate yourself from those feelings, and don’t mind doing so, it may be a nice gesture. Then you can get a setting you really love (and it would be super nice to finance it with $15k!)

Post # 6
3101 posts
Sugar bee

@DelilahDiamond:  That is so generous to offer $15,000!  If it was me, I would absolutely positively no-doubt-about-it get the ring of my dreams with that money!

Post # 7
825 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@DelilahDiamond:  I would keep it! It obviously has sentimental value for your FI and his family and he chose to give you that ring, exactly the way it is. Your FI’s cousin might pout and disagree, but there seems to be no doubt that the ring was left to your FI and it was his choice where it went. I wouldn’t give in. 

Post # 9
233 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I’d do what you want, but separating the ring seems totally legitimate (and often happens to heirloom rings even without this situation). I think keeping the stone and getting a new setting is perfectly reasonable and probably in some ways what the family would most respect (ie, the ‘image’ of grandmother’s ring went to her granddaugher while you weren’t jipped in a dumb situation). You accepted the ring happily. Now you are confronted with a super awkward situation, which you are handling beautifully. So do what you want, but I think it’s awesome they are offering a rather intelligent compromise, although I’m a little shocked they did something at all. So it must really be important to this granddaughter.

If someone asks you about it, just say you found out it was important to her granddaughter and you guys found a compromise.

One thing I can guarantee is that family heirlooms aren’t worth splitting a family up for, so most people will go with the flow. Don’t worry about what they think. So the main question is: What do you want? Since obviously the other girl is focusing on what she wants, you get to do the same.

Post # 11
11760 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Tough one. I’d probably take the $15k and get a new ring to be honest. 

Post # 13
9556 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

If I was in your situation I would split it and take whichever half you want (sounds like center stone) and make your dream ring. I only say that because it sounds like that’s what you want. And you still get the sentamentality. And it would make you a hero for this cousin.

It sounds like what is holding you back is worries about what other people with think about the change and I wouldn’t give that a second thought. Anyone who doesn’t think you’re incredibly considerate is insane. 

It’s an unusual situaation and I’m glad your family isn’t pressuring you, but I think they may have come up with a win-win solution.

Post # 14
594 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

I don’t envy your situation that’s for sure. Definitely do what makes YOU happy. I’m a bit apalled that FMIL would have brought the sister to approach you on this instead of talking to you in private. BUT the reason i am commenting is my concern over the use of the words ‘up to’. Unless you have the most reasonable future aunt-in-law ever, I foresee a future fight as follows:

I said up to 15. You chose a 1.25 ct diamond and I’m only willing to replace a diamond with specs like the one you gave up.


You chose a $5000 Tacori setting, the average price of a setting is much lower so I think I will only give you $x

I hope I am wrong. I just hate ambiguity. I really wish you all the best with this difficult decision.

Post # 15
417 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Personally, I am almost always against changing your e-ring.  But this is an exception.

Although I don’t think that you’re obligated to, I think that it would be a wonderful and kind gesture for you to let his cousin have a part of her grandmother’s ring, and it will ensure that both cousins have a special heirloom to pass down that will always connect their families.  

His cousin doesn’t sound selfish or spoiled in the least.  In fact she seems very humble if she felt bad for asking after finding out you have it.  It would probably mean the world to her to have part of the ring, and you’ll have the privilege of taking part of an heirloom and blending it with your own tastes.  That’s about as good as it gets.  

Post # 16
1367 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

That is difficult. If you like your FCIL (cousin in law??)  than it does make it a little easier.  One way to look at it is that you are extending a family bond.   If your FCIL truly does not expect you to do it, than what you might do would be very generous.

However, if you really fell uncomfortable about it, you should keep it!

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