(Closed) My FMIL-please read! Really need responses…

posted 6 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Dear Mrs Neutrino’s Future Mother-In-Law,

I am sorry you are going through this. My only advice would be that you have to let your son live his life. The last part of your post about asking them to postpone the wedding and them obliging makes it seems like they do care about your feelings, so give the girl a chance. It’s always hard to “mess with” someone’s relationship, and although he is your son it makes sense for him to stand up for his future wife when arguments or issues arise. Actually if he didn’t, it would say a lot about their relationship, IMO. You say you would like to let him “live life a little” but if he is currently on his masters it means he’s at least in his mid-late twenties, so he has had time to “live life” as you suggest. At this point if he wants to marry this girl, you need to try to accept it! Just trust your son and trust that if he sees good in her and is willing to stand up for her and spend the rest of his life with her, then he is making the right decision. Continuing to try to make this not work for them will most likely damage your relationship with your son, so if you want to have a happy relationship with your son, try to trust his decisions. Also, the fact that you had to “get invited” to your own son’s wedding probably means that the relationship is already a bit damaged. Unless you would like it to remain like this, I suggest trying to be accepting and take this time of postponement to get to know her better and feel better about their relationship. Best of luck, *hugs*

Post # 6
Member
491 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@MrsNeutrino: This is getting hard!! =]

Mrs. Neutrino’s Future Mother-In-Law,

No, I am not yet a mother. When I become one yes I would try to warn my son before he got burned, but to me it seems that you’ve already “warned” him, so at this point “walking into the fire” is up to him. May I ask exactly what it is about this woman that you dislike so much? I believe I remember her calling you a coward, but if this was only in response to defending herself, although disprespectful, maybe it was warranted? You seem like a very strong woman so let me ask you to put yourself into her shoes. If your husband’s mother was saying things about you that weren’t true, would you try to defend your/your family’s honor? You may feel that she is taking your son away from you, but you need to realize that he is an adult, and eventually will start his own family. Respect for family is strong in every culture, so I can still sympathize with you. You said your family is in shambles, but as I said before, you seem like a very strong woman. Strong women tend to lead the home, so if you were to set aside your differences and accept her into your family, would the rest of your family then follow suit? I disagree with you saying your son is ruining his life because right now he is in love. Trust your son and trust that you raised him to be a man who can see people’s true selves, and make smart decisions.

Post # 7
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

Dear Future Mother-In-Law,

Cut the apron strings. As a mother, I understand that you only want the best for your child, but after they’ve grown and are out into the world, you have to trust that they will make their own decisions for themselves. Trying to tell your grown children what to do will only breed resentment, and cause further rebellion. You have to let go. Even if he’s walking into the fire. It’s clear that he is very in love with this woman, no matter how you feel about her. Maybe you should take the time, and get to know her better. Start over, with a clean slate. Find things you have in common, and go from there. Start with the love you each share for your son/her Fiance.

Now, if after your son has “walked into the fire”, and then comes back a little burned, asking for your help, then you can step in and say, “I told you so.” But until then, you have to bite the bullet and back off.

Post # 8
Member
3691 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Nobody close to my Fiance liked his first wife.  But they couldn’t say anything to him for fear of him cutting them off.  All they could do is tell him that they were there for him, and wait for him to figure out on his own that she was no good for him.

I think you’re sounding very judgemental and controlling.   Let your son make his own mistakes.  But as his mother, you need to be there to support him, no matter what he’s going through.  Give the poor girl a chance.  You haven’t said anything she’s actually done to upset you.  It sounds like you decided for no good reason at all that you didn’t like her.

Post # 9
Member
335 posts
Helper bee

Dear MrsNeautrino’s Future Mother-In-Law,

I’m sorry you feel this way, but my Mother-In-Law feels a lot like you do about me so I have to tell you that although you feel that your family is strained and that your son has abandoned you, there is one thing that would reconcile this for both of you: ACCEPT your son’s decisions, whether you like them or not. You raised him to become a responsible adult and to make his own decisions, so you need to trust him and if for some reason this woman isn’t right for him, he will have to live and learn.

My Darling Husband hasn’t spoken to his mother in over a year; she didn’t come to our wedding and she hasn’t seen her grandson (our son) in a year also. Do you want your relationship with your son to end up like that? Sorry if I’m being harsh, but my Darling Husband is very hurt by his mother and her inability to accept his decisions, support him and stop trying to drive a wedge into his life.

Bottom line is that he is obviously happy, and the best thing you can do for him is be supportive. His happiness and direction may be different from what you envision for him, but that is okay because life is about learning. Think of how you might feel if you chose a partner whom your family disliked and they acted this way toward you. What’s the worst that could happen if you support him? You get to be a part of his life and see him happy? Is your happiness more important than his?

(Thanks that was therapeutic for me too)

Post # 12
Member
2651 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2016

Dear Future Mother-In-Law,

I am sorry that you are going though this, and I understand that you are trying to do what you think is best for your son. However, don’t you think you are being a little over protective/controling? You have said your peice and what you think about this woman. That is all you can do. By Harping on it you are putting your son in a hard place, who does he chose, the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with? or The woman who gave birth to him? By forcing him to chose between you ( which it sounds like you really want, but have not quite come out and said explicitly) you are forcing him to betray one of the two women he cares about the most!  That is a terrible position to put anyone in.

Do you have any faith in the man you raised? Do you trust him to make good desisions? Do you trust that you and his father instilled in him the values that you seem to hold dear?

If so then Trust that he is making the best decision for him. Even if you do not see it. My mother allways told me that she loved me too much to let me make any foolish desions with out telling me. She would Give me reasons A, B, and C about why I should NOT do something, and then allow me to make my own choice. If that Choice panned out the way she siad it would, she never told me ” I told you so “( ok , mabey a little), she picked me up and put me back together and said , ” what have we learned from this?”
If this desison does infact go the way you fear, just be there for him, put him back together, but do not juge him. He is an adult and needs to take responciblity for his actions. Mommy cannot protect him forever.

If his desision turns out well, and they are happliy married and if she bulids him up instead of tearing him down, as you fear, YOU will have ruined your relationship with our son and possibly any grandchildren they might have together. I know i perosnally would be afraid in this situation if my Mother-In-Law disliked me so much, that my Mother-In-Law would say negative things about me to my children.

The fact that They ( i say THEY because it is a joint desision to put off a wedding, ESPECIALLY for the bride ) WERE willing to make a compromise, and you said “no that is not good enough”,  that was bad on your part. Instead of being glad that SHE wanted to respect your wishes, and TRY and get to know you, says that she does care, about you and your son. 
Have you ever met her? Have you tried? If not, then you are jsut as gulity as she is in this battle over your son.

Comprmise a little, trust your son. Get to know your Future daughter in law, because dispite all your objections, they are going to get married anyway.
Your olny desision is weather or not YOU want to be part of your son’s and grandchildrens lives. The ball is in your court.

Post # 14
Member
1543 posts
Bumble bee

@MrsNeutrino:  Well then, Future Mother-In-Law, it seems you’ve already made your decision. Good luck.

 

**At this point, were this a real poster, I would just give up, as it seems trying to give advice would be pointless, when all they want is justification for their actions, not any real constructive criticism.** Good luck with your Future Mother-In-Law, MsNeutrino. She sounds like a real piece of work. I know people that are like that IRL, and short of cutting them out of your life (drastic, and I’m sure NOT a pleasant decision to make) there’s not much else to do but grin and bare it.

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