Post # 1
This is my first post ever and the reason for writing it is b/c this is an issue that I have no clue how to get around.
One of my dear friends is so hurt and angry it seems b/c I did not ask her to be a bridesmaid.
We have been friends for about 10 years now and I am close to her family and all but I moved away (as in out of the country) for college and since then things have changed. While she has come to visit and me return home etc over these years, things haven’t been quite the same. She is still a very dear friend to me but since I have moved away I met my fiance and have made close friends who have been a part of my relationship since the beginning.
Now she got engaged long before I did and while she still hasn’t had her wedding yet, has always said that I would be her Maid/Matron of Honor…so when I finally chose my Bridesmaids i knew she would be somewhat hurt.
I didn’t expect her to communicate this to me but she did and I found myself in the very awkward position of having to explain to her why I chose who I did.
Since that conversation which took place online, she has conveniently not “appeared online” when she would be everyday. I have since emailed her (about 3 times), mainly to see if we were still okay and also b/c I needed to confirm head count and wanted to know is she and her fiance would be in attendance.
She has since not responded to my emails. Finally, I asked my sister to just call her (as she and my sister live in the same country) and when my sister asked her is she would be attending she replied “Probably not.”
Now I understand her hurt for not being asked…b/c I was in a similar situation of not being asked by one of my dear friends, but not once when I was in the same situation did it ever cross my mind that I wouldn’t attend the wedding.
This has led to me being hurt by her not even showing up for my special day. What I am most angry about is the fact that she has ignored me and my emails. My rationale is this – even if she decided she didn’t want to come (which hurts), the least she could have done was take the time to respond and let me know. I took my time to create the invitations (all DIY) and spend money to send it to her.
I am thinking of cutting her off completely b/c I don’t know how to ever bounce back from this. When I explained my decision to her we both agreed it wasn’t worth our friendship but she has made it hard since then. Has anyone been through a similar situation and can offer some advice?
Post # 3
Maybe I’m not reading this right but isn’t her behavior indicating that she has already decided to end your friendship? It would seem to me that if she decided not to come to my wedding after all that and after ignoring me I’d kind of think that’s what was happening? I’d say write her an email IF and you first have to decide if you want to save your relationship. Let her know how you feel and go from there. Realize that this might in fact be it for you two and see what happens.
Post # 4
If my best friend didn’t even ask me to be in her bridal party, I would probably act much as your friend did. If it was a good reason (like not having a bridal party or just asking family members), I would understand. But you basically told her “I moved away and found better friends, so there’s no space for you in my Bridal Party.” You may have felt that you’re not close anymore; since she planned on having you as Maid/Matron of Honor, I think she did not feel the same way.
I think you already made the choice to end this friendship by not asking her to be a bridesmaid.
Post # 5
Well, that’s just a really immature reaction. I mean, I see her disappointment, I’ve been there too, but seriously grow up. So she didn’t make the cut, big deal. IN the grand scheme of things it doesn’t even matter. And in my opinion her actions are basically telling you that she cares more about what’s in it for her than the actual marriage/wedding. I can’t believe she put you ina position where you had to explain yourself.
Post # 6
@moderndaisy – Really, if your BEST FRIEND decided to not include you in her bridal party because she had found new, better friends, you wouldn’t be really upset?
Post # 7
I’m trying to put myself in her shoes, and I can understand why she is acting the way she is. Obviously you meant more to her than she means to you, and she is VERY hurt to know this. She made you her Maid/Matron of Honor, so you’re her best BEST friend, and she didnt make it out of any of your friends to be in your bridal party? I get that you’re closer to other people now, but history is important too, 10 years is a long time to be that close to someone, so I understand her pain in realizing you don’t think you’re close enough anymore for her to be in the party. It’s sad, but a lot of friendships end like this. In the end though, you should pick people you feel close to, and who you think will be a big part of your life going forward. If you see yourself distancing from her (even before all this happened), and dont really see a close future with her, then I guess I see why you did what you did, I think the realization of that was a lot for her to handle though. Good luck.
Post # 8
Girl I know your pain! Picking bridesmaids can be brutal! I’m only having two bridesmaids and both are really close to me. One I see a lot and one only every couple of weeks. The one I see a lot is upset because before I was even in a relationship like 5 years ago I told her mom that she would be my Maid of Honor. She thinks she deserves it and keeps bringing it up constantly. I decided just not to have a maid of honor so I wouldn’t have to deal with that stress and she still brings it up by saying she wants to stand closest to me! It’ll never end. Sometimes you just need to do what you feel is right and not worry about them. You can’t make everyone happy!
Post # 9
I have to agree with GirlWithARing. I know that it may seem childish or immature to some but I would be extremely upset if a friend of mine whom I’ve known for 10 years and have a great history with, a friend who is that close to my family and I to hers, a friend that I have kept in touch with despite the distance that has been put between us, and a friend I thought enough of to put in my wedding didn’t ask me to be in theirs. From what you say in your post I am somewhat surprised it wasn’t automatic that she would be included.
I can say that I probably would have at least sent the RSVP back but I would not have responded to any emails or texts or calls, etc.
Post # 10
I completely agree with GirlWithARing and soontobewalsh.
Post # 11
@girlwitharing – I would absolutely be upset, but this is a ‘dear’ friend from home, not a ‘best’ friend. And I’m giving my thoughts without having all the facts, but it seems like this is an older friend that carribeanbride has lost touch with over the years.
It’s not her fault this ‘dear’ friend got engaged and asked carribeanbride to be the Maid/Matron of Honor. I mean, it does warrant serious consideration to make her at least a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but I still think her friends reaction was immature.
Honestly, I’ve been passed over before and been totally shocked and hurt, but the only thing it changed was me declining the invitation to the shower/bachelorette party (which was ‘destination’) and only sending 1 gift. I took her decision as her telling me we weren’t as close as I thought we were and reciprocated by not going out of my way for her wedding. We are still friends to this day, I’ve never made her feel bad about it.
Post # 12
I can understand being upset, but the mature thing to do is to SAY SO and, at minimum, attempt to have a civil discussion explaining one’s feelings.
Ignoring someone and giving him or her the silent treatment is neither effective nor particularly adult way of handling things.
Post # 13
i think this is just a case of someone who had a different perspective on your relationship than you did.
clearly, you felt that you grew up, moved away, and even tho you consider her a dear friend… you feel that you have closer friends that are more “best friends…”
all the while, your friend in question has coined you her best friend and regardless of time, space, etc. has always considered you her best friend.
it sounds like she’s already made her mind up… and it also sounds like you had already had your mind made (hence you chose to not include her)… if you want to reach out to her, i think you should be careful about hurting her feelings because she’s probably feeling betrayed by someone who she (mistakenly) believed to be her best friend.
Post # 14
I do think it’s sad that she’s taking this as hard as she is, but it sounds like you guys weren’t on the same page about your relationship, and that took her by surprise. In my opinion, it sounds like she’s reacting to the news that you don’t consider her one of your best friends anymore, when she still considers you her best friend, more than the fact that she doesn’t get to be a bridesmaid. In that context, I think her actions are more understandable. I think when she asked you to explain your choices, she was just trying to understand how you both had such different views of the friendship. If it were me, since you knew she’d be hurt, I would have sat her down before you asked anyone to be a bridesmaid and told her that you simply couldn’t include everyone you wanted to in your party, but that you still considered her a dear friend. To me, 10 years and you being her Maid/Matron of Honor doesn’t mean that you “owe” it to her to make her a bridesmaid, but I do think you owed her an explanation. That being said, the silent treatment isn’t accomplishing anything, and it sounds like you’re trying to reach out to her now to talk it through, so I hope that once the shock wears off, she’ll get in touch with you and you can patch things up before the wedding. Good luck!
Post # 15
I agree with moderndaisey! Friends don’t have a “right” to be a bridesmaid…it’s up to her who stands by her side through all the hard work that goes into a wedding, it’s not just about who gets to stand up there on the big day.
Friends from home fall by the wayside sometimes and relationships change. She needs to understand that. I think the best way to deal with it is to attempt to help her understand that, and if she can’t then you’ve got other friends to take care of you now 🙂
Post # 16
I have a friend getting married next, and I was not asked to be a bridesmaid. I’ve known her for 8 years. I cried about it.
Then I sucked it up and offered to make her invitations. I’m ecstatic for her, despite not being a bridesmaid. Sometimes we all have to get over it.