(Closed) My friend is cheating on my other friend

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
2181 posts
Buzzing bee

I don’t hang with people who can’t scrape together the decency to not fuck other people behind their partner’s back and who treat relationships as back up plans to avoid being alone at all costs. Jill sounds like a seflish twat and I would tell her as much when you see her tomorrow. She’s probably relying on you guys giving her the benefit of the doubt and feeling bad for her and like there’s some grey area, so I would nip tht in the bud. She is being shitty and making her mess other people’s business. She might needs a little girl-to-girl shaming, and personally I would end the remains of the friendship and encourage Celeste to do the same. Wash your hands of it and peace out, and don’t embroil yourself any more by contacting Jack.

Post # 17
Member
32 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: November 2018

First of all terrible situation for you to be in!! So sorry. I imagine it would be playing on your mind. I personally would want to know and most people I would think would as well. I guess its one thing if she cheated and regretted it but she is treating her boyfriend terribly. I would have no problem talking to him about it, basically because she is being such a terribly human being to be honest.

Post # 18
Member
372 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2017

Speck_:  while I agree with a lot of your sentiments (and giggled at the descriptors), I think that OP is being just as selfish. This doesnt have anything to do with her and she clearly loves the drama or she wouldn’t be gossiping with Celeste about it, posting it on the Internet, or planning some come to Jesus meeting with Jill tomorrow.

To me, if OP has such as issue, she should distance herself from Jill and any convo tomorrow needs to be focused on “you and Jack are friends of mine and while I wish I didn’t know this info about you, Chatty Celeste brought me into the fold. Now that I know, I would encourage you to be more honorable in your relationships; however, you’re an adult and can do what you please. I, too, am an adult and I choose not to associate myself with women who screw around in their relationships because it indicates a lack of rudimentary common respect and decency and if you’re willing to sleep with Chad and hide it from Jack and then involve Celeste who unfortunately included me – who knows what fabulously immoral thing you will do to our relationship. I’m bowing out now and wish you all the best.”

Post # 19
Member
9044 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Jill didn’t share her problem with you, she shared it with Celeste. That means she has no interest in what you OP think of the situation. So stay out of it.

If anything you should counsel Celeste on 1. keeping confidences (hell you can bet anything you have previously shared with her in confidence is hot gossip amoungst your friends) and 2. getting her to talk to Jill on her own about what options Jill has and what is right to do.

Can’t stand a cheater but I also can’t stand gossip mongers. Both set out to intentionally hurt other people.

 

Post # 20
Member
244 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

I don’t understand why most of the responses seem to ignore the fact that Jack is OP’s friend. He was already her friend before Jill started dating him. Whatever happened to being loyal to one’s friends?

If a mutual friend of my Fiance and I learned that she was cheating, I would most certainly expect that friend to make sure I found out one way or another. I would not view them as a good friend if they kept that to themselves.

And if I learned that a friend of mine was cheating on another friend of mine, I’d have to tell the cheater that s/he needed to come clean or I’d have to be a good friend to the one being cheated on, and that I could not remain friends with someone who could cheat on a romantic partner. Cheating, in most cases, is dishonest, disloyal, and an enormous betrayal. I couldn’t be friends with someone who felt okay about doing that.

Post # 21
Member
539 posts
Busy bee

rfs23:  +1. Exactly! I mean, obviously the circumstances of OP finding out are not ideal, and gossiping isn’t a morally admirable behaviour, but the OP still has to deal with the fact that her friend is being cheated on.

Post # 22
Member
2110 posts
Buzzing bee

I would not be friends with Jill, people like that are toxic and will only bring you down. 

If Jack doesn’t know what’s going on, he has his head up his butt. Up to you whether you say anything or not- losing Jill as a friend over it wouldn’t be a big loss. 

Post # 23
Member
556 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Just the first thought I had…

This whole story seems a bit fishy… If someone told me this, my first move would not be to go tell another mutual friend. (not trying to be indictive towards you, OP, just towards your friend Celeste)

Maybe Celeste wants Jack to herself and wants to have it done easily for herself in a way that doesn’t require evidence, etc.. Unless you heard it directly from Jill, don’t do a thing. Why isn’t Celeste doing something?

I go and stay with a male friend in Europe. At his house. Alone. I’m sure a lot of people have their little ideas of what we do when we are alone at his apartment for two weeks (which in reality is stuffing lollies in our mouths while marathoning anything good we can find on Netflix). Be 100% sure this is not just Celeste coming up with ideas.

My gut feeling? Don’t say a thing because you very well might be just doing someone’s dirty work for them.

Post # 24
Member
1610 posts
Bumble bee

hopfenn:  I would also tell Jill that I know of what’s going on and give her a deadline to tell him or I would.

I think your friend Jill is incredibly selfish and seems to lack empahay and respect for others. Not only has she cheated on him multiple times in a variety of different ways (physically, mentally, emotionally…etc…) she is literally rubbing his face in it with it happening right under his nose! As well as treating him as some sort of second choice and if she has her way won’t be with him, she doesn’t love him and want to be in a relationship with him. She is only keeping jack around incase it goes a awry. I think all that is just very nasty and spiteful, to be honest I’m not even sure i would want to be friends with someone that horrible and don’t know whether I could trust her. 

I typically ain’t one for getting into others relationships but in a situation like this and with these details, I would. I would feel like I also need to be a friend to Jack and couldnt sit idle while he is being made a joke of. If I was in jacks position I would feel like a mug and more heartbroken the longer it went on, it would also break my heart if my close friends knew but didn’t tell me or do anything about it. Ask yourself… Can you honestly sit back and watch as she continues on like this and then breaks his heart by leaving him and he finds out about all this in the worst possible way? He will put two and two together if she isn’t up front, to much of a coincidence that she ends up with Chad after they break up and going to europe. 

I would give her a decent time to tell him and if she didn’t I would do it for her, she has had many a chance to come clean and she hasnt taken it. I don’t think she’s got any intention to, she’s got her cake and eating it.

Post # 25
Member
1679 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

hopfenn:  Because you are friends with both, I do think you have to say something.  I think confiding in his best friend may be the best bet.

Sorry they’ve put you in such a sucky position 🙁 

Post # 26
Member
30 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I was in this exact same situation. My best friend was getting cheated on and i heard it through a 3rd party. I confronted the cheater and told him I knew he was cheating. I gave him a couple days to tell his gf he was cheating on her or i would do it. He denied the cheating and I ended up telling her a few days later. It was so hard for me to do and when I told her she told me that she didn’t think it was true. I didn’t push it I just let her know what I had heard about him cheating and gave her all the facts and left. She ended up calling me crying 5 hours later when she finally let all the facts sink in and she confronted her boyfriend who finally admitted to cheating. 

I would 100% do it again. There were multiple other people who knew he was cheating and were friends with the gf. Over the course of 2 years none of these friends told her. The gf felt very angered by these so called freinds who let her continue in this dead end relationship. So she had two blows to deal with a cheating boyfriend and friends who let her down.

Post # 27
Member
1326 posts
Bumble bee

I would speak to the cheater, not the cheatee. Make sure you’ve got your facts right before you put your foot in it! 

Post # 28
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

Honestly? I would stay out of it. 

If I were Celeste, I would tell Jack. But you didn’t hear this from the horse’s mouth – you heard from Celeste who heard from Jill. You have no direct evidence except for gossip. 

I definitely wouldn’t have this “intervention” with Jill tomorrow. It’s none of your business what Jill does with her lady parts, and you should stay out of it. She didn’t confide in you, she confided in Celeste. Let Celeste handle it. Unless you’re in high school, you don’t need to be having a “group discussion” about anyone’s sex life. 

If Jack asks you directly, tell him the truth. In fact, because Jack is your friend, I wouldn’t be opposed to telling Jack that you heard a rumor and feel morally obligated to pass it along, but make sure that you clarify that it’s a rumor and you have no concrete evidence. 

That’s truly as far as I would let my own involvement go. Beyond that? Not my circus… 

Post # 29
Member
4232 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2015 - Hotel Ballroom

Give Jill a deadline to tell Jack herself. If she misses the deadline, then you tell him. If he gets upset for you not telling him sooner, just explain that you wanted to give Jill the chance to tell him herself. 

Doing this will likely cost you your frienship with Jill, and may very well hurt your friendship with Jack because you didn’t tell him sooner…but if you handle this well things with him can be fixed.

Good luck 🙂

Post # 30
Member
87 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

To me, it all hinges on how close you are to Jack. If he’s your friend, you need to tell him, in my opinion. It’s not your fault you have this information, and I’m sorry about the position you’re in.

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