Post # 1
I can’t beleive my friend confided this in me because we aren’t close at all but I guess she didn’t know who else to talk to. Her and her FI have been together for about 5 years now and are getting married around Christmas. They were always seen as a couple that you wouldn’t think would be together (I hate to judge but she is a lot better than her FI deserves) but somehow they did it.
She revealed that for over a year now she has been having random thoughts of cheating and now she actually wants to have an affair or a fling. She told me that she still loves him but she feel like she needs more, she also has never been with another man so I guess that is a huge curiousity for her to think about. She revealed to me that they barely have sex anymore, every couple of weeks they have a quickie because he sees no point in trying to turn her on anymore, she told me that she hasn’t had a release from sex all year because there is no attempt on his part to please her.
She says she loves him and will never leave him but she now thinks that having someone on the side just physically should be okay because otherwise she’ll end up leaving him. She even claimed that if he ever directly asked her if she slept with someone else she would admit it to him. The reason that she came to me is because she knows if she goes through with this that she’ll need someone to talk to, she doesn’t expect me to lie for her or anything and somehow I seemed the best person to confide in.
She is undecided on whether or not she will actually begin to pursue an affair (and I did do my best to talk her around) but is apparently going to keep me posted. I feel extremely weirded out by the whole thing. I don’t mind being a friend to just talk to about this stuff but I fear that if she goes through with it that her FI will find out I was involved and potentially tell others that I approved of it all. I don’t even know if there is anything I can say to her to change her mind!
I was also just wondering what other bees takes were on this issue, I can imagine that there are some very strong opinions towards this. I have always been very toward either staying with one person or leaving all together but now that there is a friend in this spot there is so much grey area involved!
Post # 2
Maybe your friend is doing this as a way to get get FI to leave her as she stated she would never leave him? I think she needs to step back and really reevaluate how she feels about her relationship. If you love somebody, you don’t purposefully go out to do something to hurt them.
On the matter about how you feel about being involved and don’t want him to tell people you approve when you obviously don’t. Tell your friend how you feel on the matter about her possibly cheating (mark that one as done since you did this already) then tell her you don’t want to hear anymore on the subject, you don’t want any updates about her cheating as you don’t want to be apart of it. You don’t want people to think you approve of that kind of behaviour. Tell her you are still friends and would like to still talk about your lives with each other but keep that aspect to herself.
I hope everything works out for you!
Post # 3
diymomma: The one worry I have about just telling her that I don’t want to hear anything about her going out and cheating is that it won’t stop her. I do have my concerns that she’ll end up going forward with this on her own and get herself into a bad situation because no one knows where she is going and what she is doing. I wonder if it would just be worth telling her that if she is going to cheat somewhere that she can at least tell me where she is going so if something does go wrong I at least know where she was headed.
Post # 4
To be honest, I don’t think I would let anyone confide in me about that sort of thing. I would have probably been pretty point blank in the first five minutes of the conversation. “I don’t condone what you are doing. Please don’t tell me any more because I do not want to be involved.”
Your friend is kind of using you. She doesn’t want to keep what she is doing a total secret, so she is telling you so she doesn’t have to. Now the burden of keeping the secret is on you, not her. I couldn’t do it. Not that I would go gossiping to everyone, but I need a sounding board, which is mostly my FI. Our friends know that you don’t tell my FI or myself something that you don’t want the other one to know.
Has she even spoken to her FI about the lack of physical in their relationship? You have to discuss what you want out of intmacy with your partner just like every other aspect of a relationship. How can the other party know what you want when you don’t communicate it? I am the only sexual partner my FI has ever had, and while he has said he kind of feels like there is something he could be missing, he has also said that he has commited to me, and that will be that.
And this is all before I even get to the cheating. Really, I don’t see what the difference is if this is your friend or not. Across the board, cheating is wrong, and shows that she needs help in her current relationship, or needs to get out of her current relationship. If she can’t discuss and get what she needs out of her relationship with her FI, she should break up with him before marriage.
Post # 5
I understand where you are coming from, wanting to know where she is so if something had happens to her at least somebody knows and if that part really bothers you then make that deal with her, you don’t want to know the details but want to know where she is.
However, she’s an adult making very adult decisions. If she wants to cheat on her husband, there is really nothing you can say, other than maybe threatening to tell FI, which isn’t your responsibility, that will stop her. She needs to learn this lesson on her own.
This is kind of like apples and oranges to compare, but we used to tell my oldest that he needs to look where he’s going and not behind him especially when running Or he was going to get hurt. And it took him running into walls (actually corners of walls) for him to finally realize he needs to look forward.
What I’m trying to say is if you friend is dead-set on cheating, your friend needs to fall on her face (or run into a corner) and see the hurt she has caused for her to realize that her actions don’t just involve her, they also affect others.
Post # 6
- Wedding: November 2009 - New York, NY
Be honest with her; tell her how you feel and that you don’t want any part of it at all. If she dares to bring up the subject after that, you need to end the conversation immediately and leave/hung up.
Post # 7
WeddingBells2014: It sounds like she loves her fiance, but her sexual needs are not being met. Has she talked to her FI about spicing things up? It sounds like the thoughts of cheating are in relation to sexual frustration, not ‘not loving’ her FI.
Post # 8
WeddingBells2014: If it was my friend, I’d tell her it’s her decision, but obviously you support fidelity. Perhaps you could get into a serious talk about doing and showing acts of love daily, and maybe some things they can do together for fun. Like, renting a local hotel room and doing it there? different sexual positions, lingerie, watching porn together for a man’s visual stimulation, and then hooking up? I reached a stalemate not long ago and had fleeting thoughts that I would never act upon, because I was so incredibly bored in my relationship. We did the above, and started showing little acts of love daily. It has really worked to bring back the physical and emotional love into the relationship.
Post # 9
I don’t understand people getting married while carrying such heavy issues. Are they just doing it for social status purposes ? Or hoping marriage will bring the instant repair of their bad relationship ? When you think about getting married, it’s because you’re certain you want to spend your life with the person you chose to marry, and it’s because things go well and you are on the same page. Cheating on them shouldn’t even cross your mind.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to prevent her to cheat on her boyfriend. Maybe she’s just looking for an easy way out of the relationship. Some people lack the courage to take decisions by themselves, so if ever her fiancé finds out about it, he might end the relationship for her. The only thing you can control is your own decision to be her confident or not. By doing this, she’s involving you into her problems. It’s certainly not a position I’d like to be in. If you feel it’s not your place to be either, then tell her you won’t discuss this issue with her anymore. As for her whereabouts, I understand your concerns, but in the end it’s all the same : it’s still involving you into the issue because you’ll know when and where she’ll cheat on her boyfriend. She’s an adult and she needs to take responsabilities for her actions.
Post # 10
If this was my friend, I would say that I don’t want to be involved in this. It is not fair that she is effectively making you her accessory… by telling you, she is making you either complicit in the lie, or forcing you to do her dirty work by telling her partner. If it was me, I would not be comfortable with either.
Tell her you do not want to be involved in this.
Post # 11
I would definitely tell your friend how you feel about being involved in the situation. In the end it is her decision to do as she wishes, if she’s already got her mind set nothing is going to change it. I would, however, ask her if she’s ever asked her FI about taking more time for her pleasure? Perhaps if they found common ground on this issue it could take away from her feelings of needing to be physical with other men? Especially if she is going to never leave him as she claims. Being with him forever means dealing with this problem until it is resolved.
Another good point for her to remember is even though she loves him and never wants to leave him her infidelity could cause him to leave. There would be nothing stopping that. Is she okay with losing him because of this? I think this are all good questions to broach while she makes up her mind.
Post # 12
I understand the dilemma you’re in and realize that you’re in an impossible place right now. However, I’m gonna go against the grain and tell you to simply stay out of it because it might be a good thing for her to do. Maybe not morally, or ethically, but maybe it’ll be a good personal decision. From the very limited information that you gave us it doesn’t sound like her FI is trying too hard to please her. And in my experience that’s never confined to the bedroom. Maybe if she’s with someone else she’ll see what else is “out there” or come to the realization that this is not the relationship for her (definitely not the marriage for her if she’s thinking about cheating for more than a year before the wedding). Of course the “right” thing to do would be to either leave before she finds someone else or stay and be faithful (if that’s the arrangement they’ve chosen), but sometimes the “right” way isn’t what people choose.
Post # 13
WeddingBells2014: If she treid to talk to me about it again I’d tell her that I didn’t agree with what she was doing and that I am not willing to be her sounding board and have to carry around her secrets.
Clearly, this wedding should not happen. She needs to move on from this relationship. But it’s not your job to make her see that.
Post # 14
If anyone I knew and cared about told be that they were thinking of cheating on their spouse, fiancé, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever, I would tell them flat out that they’re an idiot and that the only thing they’re doing is being selfish. Yes, that’s harsh, but it’s what needs to be said.
Post # 15
Yeah, I wouldn’t be okay with the cheating and I wouldn’t feel comfortable as the sounding board. If she’s unsatisfied I think she should either try to spice things up with her fiance, talk to her fiance about having an open relationship, or leave him. I don’t mind the sex, I mind the lying and deceit. If she still decides to go forward with this and lye to her fiance I’d try to remove myself from the situation as much as possible. ugh.