(Closed) My friend is passive aggressive..what to do?/Vent

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

you’re not the childish one at all! i don’t have much advice for you except drawing attention to what she’s doing. my Fiance is also passive/aggressive and i have dealt with his broken promises, etc for years, finally a few weeks ago i said that if nothing changes, if he doesn’t do anything to work on this relationship himself, and do something to change his ways by a certain date, i will leave. and since then he has been a lot better. so maybe something similar will work with your friend?

Post # 5
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@kate169:  well she is more likely to listen if she realises that she will lose your friendship if her behaviour continues. definitely warn her ahead of time that you will drop the friendship. hopefully she works on her behaviour, and if not she isn’t worth your time!

Post # 6
Member
9648 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

also give her specific examples of when her behaviour was passive aggressive, send her articles on passive aggression, this one really helped open mine and my FI’s eyes to his behaviour: http://www.mailmandelivers.net/passive-aggression/ it is about men, but it will hopefully help your friend realise her behaviour, then when she is confronted with exact examples she shouldn’t be calling you crazy, getting another friend who has noted her behaviour too to back you up should help her realize too

Post # 7
Member
9687 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

Your “friend” sounds like a narcissist.  Nothing you can do about it.  Decide if you want toxic, negative energy in your life, because with her that’s what you will continue to get.  You can’t change anyone.  Make a decision for yourself that if a person doesn’t enhance your life for the better they don’t need to be part of your life.  Or at least, they don’t need to be in the “friend” category.  Limit your contact with her and focus on all the people in your life who treat you with loving respect and kindness.  Set up a healthy boundary, for your own sake.  Let her stew in her own misery, who needs it.

Post # 8
Member
3773 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I think sticking up for yourself when she gets upset would be a good idea, but be prepared for her to blow everything out of proportion, it sounds like not too many people tell her when she is being rediculous.

In the end I would probably just let the firendship go. If she is going to get upset over stuff like that, then she isn’t worth the energy it must take to keep her happy.

Post # 9
Member
2463 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

what do you get out of this friendship?

I’ve had friends like this, and realized that the friendships just weren’t worth the energy I was putting into them. Some people have like a set of blinders on about their own behavior and just aren’t self-reflective enough to admit that sometimes they can be wrong. it sounds like you want her to admit she’s being irrational and admit that you’re right–that may or may not happen, but it’s not your responsibility to change her behavior in general. do you want to talk to her so that someone “wins” the fight? is it really worth it? 

what you describe especially reminds me of a former college roomate I had, I’ll call her B. we lived together 1 1/2 years, and I considered her one of my best friends, we would talk every single day. she was super challenging to live with–incredibly set in her ways, and super sensitive. like, she would say she was allergic to onions (she wasn’t, I was with her and her family once when they were joking about how she wasn’t actually allergic, her mom was); so nobody in the apartment (there were 5 of us) was allowed to cook with onions without B slamming her door, stomping her feet, and crying to another roomate about mean the person cooking was for being so inconsiderate of her allergy. it sounds ridiculous, but it really made you feel like a horrible person even though it was such a trivial thing. there were tons of other things too. after college I got a great job opportunity in another city, and instead of being happy for me, she made me feel bad for leaving her. then when I met dh shortly after moving, rather than being happy for me, she’d complain about how she couldn’t find a date. then she wouldn’t talk to me because she was “too busy” all the time, but this was when i really, really needed to talk to her–I didn’t know anyone in my new city besides this guy (dh) I was dating and his friends. I visited her twice that first year after moving, and she never came to see me, and every time we talked it was all about her, she never even asked me questions about my life. after the second visit, I realized it just wasn’t worth it anymore. we never had a confrontation about how unsupportive she was or how one-sided I thought the relationship was–I just stopped reaching out, and it fizzled. I saw her at out 5th year college reunion last year and it was surprisingly unawkward–it was actually really nice to see her. but, I haven’t heard from her since, even though we live in the same place again. but I’m fine with that.

Post # 11
Member
304 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

Sounds to me like it’s time to weed her from your social garden.

Friends are supposed to make you smile. If they don’t, get rid of them. Life is too short.

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