- 6 years ago
This board was so helpful when I was planning my wedding years ago, so I’m hoping to get some advice on a wedding-ish issue I’m having with my friend.
So. This friend of mine went through a breakup a few months ago. She has always dealt with issues of depression and anxiety but, as one would expect, this breakup seemed to amplify it all. She was in a dark place and really didn’t seem to be thinking clearly and she felt like she suffered a mental breakdown and had sucidal thoughts. Then, after one weekend, she felt much better; said she figured out all her problems and found happiness through an alternative form of therapy. Also, she went off her medications and stopped going to her therapist. It really was a night and day switch with her personality and, while I was glad she was happy- this quick change of personality was alarming.
Shortly after this, some guy found her through something she posted on social media and they began corresponding and, she says, fell in love and found their soulmates in eachother. I should explain that I have watched her begin relationships with a few guys who clearly seem very intent in presenting themselves as much more successful and accomplished than they are. Kinda car salesman-ish. It’s glaringly obvious to everyone else but she is always very impressed and smitten by them- later after they break up she will complain that they lied about their work experience or salary or whatnot. Shes the sweetest person I know, always looking for the good and gets swept up in fantasy life but I think this gets in the way of some critical thinking and allows people to take advantage of her. Which is why this new guy worries me.
I think they’ve been talking for about a month- she says they have all these crazy things in common and want all the same things and it’s like kismet. I worry he’s just telling her what she wants to hear. Since they haven’t met yet, I asked her if she has looked him up- she said no and that she wants to learn about him though his words and actions. Well, I looked him up and the things she said about him were highly exaggerated. I don’t think he’s lying about who he is, like a catfish situation and I don’t doubt that he has feelings for her but, without getting too specific, there’s a lot of red flags and weirdness going on. I showed my husband all of this and he said that he def feels like this guy is a preying on her emotional state. I saw some things he posted about “How wives should treat their husband” It was stuff like, tell him he’s right, make him dinner, say you’re sorry or how women are emotional creatures and how men need to learn to protect and control them. That’s not the sort of woman she is and it worries me that that is clearly what he expects out of a wife.
She said he’s in between houses but planning on building one so he’s just gonna move in with her and they will build a house together. She said she is planning on having their first date a romantic getaway at a hotel hours away from here (they live in the same city)- I told her this sounded dangerous and she asked me not to judge. And now she says that they are planning on a wedding in two months (plan on having kids right away) and wants me to help her plan it. Just a couple of her friends and a couple of his friends. No mention of family and she has always been so close with her family. She had said that when she told her mom awhile back that she met her future husband, her mom expressed concern so she stopped telling her about him.
I don’t doubt that people can have an instant connection or even fall in love over communication before meeting in person. I have a friend who met her husband and married him the next day- 6 years later and they are still doing great. But this, I think, is different. I’m afraid that she is in a very vulnerable place and is making serious decisions that could ruin her life. I’m no expert but I have a couple people in my life who have borderline personality disorder and some of the things she has exhibited (the extreme ups and downs, the sleeping all the time to “being so happy she can’t sleep”) sounds all too familiar.
I feel like she needs help but I’m not sure how to be a good friend to her right now. Shes VERY determined to jump into this and create this whole life with this guy- and they want to do it right away! She also has the personality of someone who, when someone (even gently) opposes her ideas, she digs her heels in even more. We’re all adults and it’s her life and part of me thinks I should stay out of it and just be there for her as she makes her own decisions. The other part of me feels like I need to say or do something because I feel like she is not in a healthy mental state and is making decisions that could be very dangerous. Before I knew her, she ran away with a boyfriend her friends and family didn’t approve of and she became stuck in a physically abusive relationship that she had to literally escape from. I’m not saying that this will be the same situation but there could be patterns and it is also indicitive of how she reacts to concern and opposition from loved ones. I’m considering telling her parents about this before she elopes but it may not be my place. I’m not quite sure what to do and would welcome any advice.