(Closed) My friend is rushing into a marriage with a guy she hardly knows

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
860 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

She sounds like she may be having a manic episode. If she’s always had depression and went off her meds and had this sudden change in personality its very possible. 

Of course it’s crazy she wants to marry this guy but more importantly I think she may need mental health services ASAP

Post # 3
1391 posts
Bumble bee

I’m not sure what you can do to help, other than talk through all her ideas about why this is a good idea and the pros and cons…


I used to have a friend that was very invasive. I never had some situation like this one where she needed to step in, but she always felt like she should step in when I was dealing with something “because she knows what’s best for me.” wtf? it’s not up to her to decide whether or not i’m going about something in the right way. and it’s certainly not up to her to try to control me – she would threaten me and insult me constantly when i was going through something tough. i’m not saying you’re her. but i am saying that it’s not your job to be in charge of her life. you can give her guidance (without being condesending). 

she does sound like she’s has some issues and is dealing with a serious mood disorder. i still don’t know if you can really do anything…maybe get her to take her meds? or maybe you should speak to a therapist or psychiatrist to find out how to help. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  rosecut.
Post # 4
2159 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
Marlene84:  Oh dear.. honestly I am not sure what you can do.. as you said, she is an adult.. but her behaviour is totally insane. Meeting a guy from the internet in a hotel hours away…? Planning a wedding with someone you haven’t even SEEN in person? Absolutely insane.

I had a friend like that.. and in the end we stopped being friends because I couldn’t stand constantly worrying about her. 

If I were you, I would tell her point blank how you feel about her decisions. That’s all you can do.

Post # 5
2570 posts
Sugar bee

I went to school with a girl that met a guy from egypt over the Internet  (we are from canada). They planned to wed even though they never met she flew to egypt they got  married and she got pregnant while over there. It then took them over two years for him to be able to live  here. I thought she was nuts but they are still happily married and this was several years ago.

I don’t  think your friend  is fully aware of how crazy this is but she is an adult so the most you can really do is tell her how you feel and hope this doesn’t turn out badly.

Post # 6
2347 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
Marlene84:  Wow, this is really hard. Obviously I’m not an expert but is there anyway you could find one? Maybe call a domestic abuse hotline? Explain that your friend has a history of this and that she’s repeating her same old mistakes. Ask them what you should do to be a good supportive friend? They would at least have experience with it. 

The only other thing I can think of is reaching out to her therapist. He/She will likely not be able to talk to you about it/her at all, but alerting them may make all the difference. They might make an extra call to just “check in”, or at least someone other than you will have a heads up that things are not normal with her (in the case that something bad does happen at this weekend away). 

Does she have family? Maybe call them if she does? That’s all I can think of, but I honestly don’t know. You’re in a really tough situation, I think I’d just try to let other people who love her know what’s happening. I don’t think anything you say will stop her from going, but the more people who know where she is and who she is with, and the more people looking into who this guy is, the better. 

  • This reply was modified 5 years, 9 months ago by  swonderful.
Post # 7
2320 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

She should be very wary of this guy. A friend of mine moved countries to be with a guy she had never met in person and had only spoken online to for months. They got married after a few weeks of her arriving and then he turned into a horrible, physically abusive, POS . She literally had to run from him while he was sleeping. I knew it was a bad idea but wish I’d done more to tell her that.

Post # 9
2389 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Where is he living now???  He’s “between houses”?  Is it possible he just needs a place to live so he’s using her in that way?

Post # 11
376 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015


View original reply
Marlene84: I don’t know if you would feel comfortable with this but is there any way to at least convince her to take someone with her to meet him. Whether it was you and your husband. Maybe suggest a double date because everyone wants their first date to be a double date right (maybe she wont catch on to that). I would maybe try to see if she would agree to something like that or seeing if she would bring anyone she knows. If she makes it about the fact that she doesnt want you to go, Id turn things around and be like BUT I HAVE TO MEET THE GUY YOU WANT TO MARRY! why would you not want me to meet him? at least that would somewhat cover the safety concern for now and buy some time. I was a grade A stalker in dating after finding out some guy that walked me home (Nice guy right) turned out to be convicted of rape. if you know the area in which the guy lives do a search of the local courts and run his name through there. not sure where you are located but ohio has a state offender search website where you can find out prison info through there. My best detective work.. the guy had a unique name and told me he had bought a house in a city and told me the street name. I went on the citys housing website.. found out his last name ran his court records.. found out about the DUI, domestic violence charge, aggravated assault charge.. all after just giving my number to a guy at the bar. never bothered with going on that date.

Post # 13
2091 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I agree with PP. All you can do is to tell her to be careful, ask her to text you what address she meets the guy at, just in case, etc… This sounds like a terrible idea. It is difficult enough to get to know someone when you see each other often, let alone via a computer screen. The internet is full of liars and shady characters, as in real life (but more so because it is relatively easy to fool people). I hope that things work out, but she did not take enough time to heal from her previous situation and is now jumping in head first into a new situation. Things tend to go very wrong when that happens. Try to be there for her, but you can’t do too much. Maybe her family will step in and talk some sense into her. 

Post # 14
231 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Ok, while he definitely sounds like a “WINNER”, you can’t say anything.  You know what they say about the messenger…No one is ready to hear that their happy ending is an illusion and it will cause a rift with you two. 

Post # 15
375 posts
Helper bee

I think you should do as Sarah1923 has suggested and make it about how excited you are to meet him in order to make a solid opinion. But before you do that, find out his name and run it through all of the appropriate channels. Find out his criminal record. If he’s not a criminal and she’s not in real danger, it’s different. It’s still absolutely crazy to be planning a wedding with someone you’ve never seen in real life, but if he doesn’t present physical danger, you can just cross your fingers that they never actually get married. And she definitely needs mental health help, but you can’t force a person to get services and suggesting that she get services may cause a rift between you too, which wouldn’t be good as you need to be there for her as she goes through this. I would recommend waiting until perhaps she says something during a depressive episode and seeing if you can kind of encourage her to talk about it, being sure not to pry, judge, or make her feel uncomfortable. 

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