Post # 1
Let’s say her name is J. J and I have been friends for over a decade. We get along well most of the time, with her being more cynical and more negative than I am. I can be both, but since the end of high school she has been continuously miserable.
I’ve been with Fiance for slightly over 3.5 years. She’s been in a LDR for about a year. I think he is kind of a douche because when they have problems, he won’t answer his phone or any attempts from her to work things out. I’ve told her he needs to work harder or she should look for better. Fiance and I had our rough patch the first year or so but have been golden the rest of the time. I think that because we’re fine now, she doesn’t think I have ANY problems in my life. (She is one of those friends who is narcissistic and doesn’t want to hear about what’s going on in your life. Seriously…if you mention yourself, it becomes about her immediately after.)
We had a big fight about a month or two ago because she was having problems. We talked about it in depth and then I mentioned to her on a SEPARATE day that I was having problems waiting. We’re both impatient so I thought it would at least take her mind off of her problems. She completely flipped out and couldn’t believe I was talking to her about it. (This is why I don’t talk to most of my friends about it…most of them are single and miserable or taken and miserable and I end up looking ungrateful.) I ended up apologizing even though she asked me to share more about what’s going on in my life. She has not let this go.
Fast forward to today. I got engaged yesterday and purposely asked Fiance not to announce until tomorrow, mostly because I knew J would make a big deal about it. She didn’t think I texted her about it (which I did but she never received) and so she makes a status about it. (She is passive aggressive as HELL.) You see, she thinks holiday engagements are lame. She told me about it before he proposed and I never said they were lame…I told her they made it a stressful time because I’m waiting. So when we announce, we get overwhelming positive reactions except for J. J makes it a point to comment on my status asking Fiance why he didn’t wait a few days and very angry that he got drunk on my “engagement day”. I didn’t care if he got drunk because we were going to drink last night, ring or no ring. She then proceeds to post “google answers” about how many couples get engaged on new years. I told her to stop being passive aggressive. She told me that since I’m talking about it with her, it’s ok. To me, that’s not okay. That’s so bitter I can’t even deal with it.
- I don’t think she would have been happy for me on ANY day I got engaged.
- She told me I basically pressured Fiance into asking me to marry him. Fiance thanked me for the pushes.
- She told me she didn’t understand why I was anxious about waiting at all.
- She told me she’s glad I finally got what I wanted so I can stop “bitching” about not being engaged when she has “real” relationship problems. This happened once and I apologized even though I didn’t think I did something that egregious. Ill timed, but not egregious.
- She told me she was just being real. I think she’s being harsh and she cannot be happy for me ever.
- She told me that if he Boyfriend or Best Friend proposed on xmas, she would be pissed at him and wouldn’t want ANYONE to be happy for her. (Really?)
- She told me about some couple she knows that has been together for 14 years. Thanks, good for them, but I’m not dating someone for 14 years and I’m not having 2 kids with him in that span without a ring.
- She ended it with saying, “I’m so glad you’re excited about something you were expecting and was inevitable.”
She even made my Fiance feel bad that he wanted to ring in the new year with me as his FW! I can’t believe it. I didn’t do anything to her and I feel kind of bummed that I can’t have J’s support. She’s supposed to be one of my bridesmaids, but with her acting like this I don’t want her anywhere near the wedding!
Did I somehow do something wrong? She made me feel like we made a mistake which I DO NOT feel is at all a mistake. I’d like to think I was trying to be really nice to her during the whole thing. Has anyone else dealt with this?
Post # 3
Why are you friends with this person? Seriously…if it was just her having a tough time with your engagement because of her relationship problems, I’d throw some advice your way and give her a bit of a pass – not completely, because she’s being a bitch, but I wouldn’t write off a friendship over a few months of her being a crappy friend while she’s going through a rough time. But she sounds like an all-around mean and selfish person. You say she’s been this way since a bit after high school…how long is that? Not sure since you didn’t give ages.
But honestly, if I were in your shoes I would just start distancing myself from her.
Post # 4
She’s being ridiculous, and is probably jealous. I’d give her a few days, or weeks, to calm down. Concentrate on your engagement! Do you have an idea of when and where you’d like to be married?
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2013 - B&B
Absolutely agree with @peachacid: She is being ridiculous about your engagement. Some of her comments are just downright mean spirited, and you should NOT let that question your engagement. Lots of people get engaged around the holidays because they have time off and can share it with their families and there are already parties planned! That doesn’t necessarily make it cliche, just logical! Besides, the holidays are magical for some so you just rock your engagement.
You do not need a person this negative projecting onto your engagement or your wedding. If she can’t be happy for you (or at least keep the negativity more to herself) then she really isn’t a friend 🙁
Post # 6
@Wonderstruck: Thank you! I’ve considered it many times but I’m usually one of those people who give people too many chances. I got it from my mom. She is always of the mind that people deserve second chances.
@peachacid: Thank you! I had planned on a long engagement so we can save. Maybe 2.5 years?
@Sunnyday278: Thanks! It’s really hard because I was hoping she’d grow up and get over it and congratulate me. She just kept saying, “I’m happy for you but ____”. All thinly veiled criticism.
Post # 7
It was very surprising to me too how negative some of my friends reacted to my engagement. But I think you have it exactly right… she wouldn’t have been happy with ANY day that he chose. Sounds like she basically always finds something to criticize.
No, you didn’t do anything wrong. The truth is, things do change when you get engaged and sometimes that means friendships too. That’s ok. Just give her time and maybe she’ll get used to the idea and start being more positive. If not, well, then you don’t need to include her in things if she’s going to rain on your parade.
I’m sure you have a lot of people who are just thrilled for you!!! Try to do some celebrating with them and put her out of your mind. You deserve to just enjoy the next couple weeks.
Post # 8
She’s being so unneccesary. This is one of those situations where you can think whatever it is you want, but keep your mouth shut and be happy for your friend on her engagement. She’ll get over this and please don’t let it both you, as hard as it may be.
Post # 9
@chenny2013: Thank you for the response. Your response really hit a chord. I understand jealousy and wanting that for yourself…I’ve been there. I’ve never, ever criticized someone’s engagement in that way and would never! She told me she expected me to be this way if her Boyfriend or Best Friend proposed on a holiday. What? I’d be happy if you’re happy.
You’re right though. I can’t make everyone happy. (((hugs)))
Post # 10
@sealevels: I’ve been jealous of people who were engaged when I was still struggling with finding the right person. Instead of being nasty, I just kept my distance. I think she would have been better served doing just that if she couldn’t remain civil.
This is also why engaged and married people tend to hang out together rather than mixing with singles. It’s just a different world after you’re engaged.
You got yourself your husband. That’s all that matters 🙂 Maybe she will come around again. Until then, sharing your experiences like this with other engaged/married women (in everyday life or on weddingbee boards) will give you a positive outlet 🙂
Post # 11
@caits615: Thanks so much, I try not to let it bother me. I hate fighting with friends and try to squash it as fast as possible. I guess it won’t be like that now that we’re getting married. :/
@Bunny_the_Bride: That is SO true! I prefer hanging out with married people because they can relate more to my problems. I’m trying not to get rage-face about it. 🙂
Post # 12
This is not a friend, it’s a frenemy. I would have dumped her a long time ago.
First, I don’t allow miserable negative people in my life. I’m all for having a bad day and needing a friend who will bum out with you on the couch and eat a pint of ice cream while you don’t shower that day and watch stupid movies – but when someone is always cynical/negative/miserable (I’ve had that friend, fgot rid of her TWICE) it’s a drag.
Second, she’s not a supportive friend. She can’t be happy for you? If she really thinks it’s stupid you got engaged on NYE, she needs to shut it and be happy for you. A REAL friend would have said, “Usually I don’t like cheesey holiday proposals but your Fiance was not cheesey about it at all! So happy for you!” if she really wanted to remind you how much she hates holiday proposals – which she doesn’t even need to!
Why is she raining on your parade? You want to know why? Because she’s a b1tch. Dump her now, thank me later.
Post # 13
There is a difference between being “real” about facts and being a bitch about her opinions and turning your words against you. I wouldn’t want her in my wedding party because she doesn’t seem mature enough to put aside her problems for one second and support you.
Post # 14
@sealevels: and you are friends with this bitch beause why?! Time to reevaluate that frienship and move on – preferably without her.
Post # 15
I agree with the bees telling you to get rid of her. This doesn’t sound like it’s about your engagement. It sounds like she’s a selfish shitty person/friend anyway.
Post # 16
“You do not need a person this negative projecting onto your engagement or your wedding. If she can’t be happy for you (or at least keep the negativity more to herself) then she really isn’t a friend :(” Big +1 with this.
There have been lots of passionate replies to this and I think you honestly must listen to them. You need to disassociate yourself with this person. I forced myself to drift apart from a very jealous, passive aggressive “best” friend of 7 years so much like you described and I am so much happier. She struggled but I do NOT miss this person at all. Real friends are not like this. They don’t make everything about them or not truly be happy for your success and accomplishments nor they act like this at all. Better to find out now what a poor friend she is now through this then later on down the line. Congrats on your engagement 🙂 I was proposed to two weeks before Christmas and don’t think holiday engagements are lame and regardless real loved ones will be happy for you.