Post # 1
I just joined the beehive, hi everyone! I’m hoping for some advice/ empathy/ encouragement regarding my dear friend not being very joyful about my wedding plans.
To give some backstory, this dear friend has also been my roommate for 3 years, since way before I met my now fiance. We have been through a lot together and not only do I consider her to be a great friend, but I really value her opinion. When I announced my engagement to loved ones a few weeks ago, so many people were happy for me. But she didn’t appear happy at all and actually seemed somewhat uncomfortable and distant.
My friend is single and always talking about looking for her "soulmate". She began to talk to me about this last night, and I became a bit defensive because I feel that she has perhaps been projecting her idea of what a "perfect soulmate" is onto my relationships. We ended up having a long talk about this and I mentioned that I can tell she isn’t happy about our engagement news. She admitted she is actually very unhappy, that she has an "intuitive fear" that I will end up unhappy. We all live in Seattle and are doing a VERY SMALL (less than 30) ceremony this fall on the Oregon coast and when I’ve talked to her about coming, she doesn’t commit one way or another and sounds like it isn’t a priority to her at all.
As a good friend and roommate, she has often been a confidante during any times of doubt or uncertainty with my relationship. I have had some difficult relationships in the past, one including a cancelled engagement 2 weeks before the wedding. I certianly have had a lot to work through in the past few years. Now I am wondering if that is where some of this has come from, that perhaps I shouldn’t have talked to ehr about some of the relationship issues that have come up.
My roommate is certain that this summer when I move out to live with my fiance that she’ll feel more at ease about my plans. I am afraid of becoming resentful and held back towards her because, while I appreciate her honesty, she also needs to trust that I’m doing what I need to do and that I want to marry this man. (WE’ve been dating for about 1.5 year and EVERYONE else in my life really likes him, he is very devoted, kind and mature).
I feel so upset that this is happening. What should I do? I feel like I don’t even want her to come to the wedding if she is acting like this, and I was even going to ask her to be a bridesmaid.
Post # 3
Do you think she might just be over protective? Ultimately, if she’s a good friend, then she should only have your best interests at heart. I do agree that it’s tricky when your friends only hear about the bad stuff about the guy (because that’s when you need to rant!) versus the good stuff about the guy (because that can come off as annoying, pretentious, or just nauseating!). But perhaps you can start trying to share the good qualities about him to ease her fears. Let her know that YOU are sure he is the one and you hope that she can be happy for you. Good luck!
Post # 4
I’ve sort of been on the other side of this, but to a somewhat lesser degree. One of my good friends in college (and roommates) got engaged and we (other gfs & me) were all happy for her… but sort of not. It was REALLY hard for us all to reconcile the things she had been telling us about her relationship and her reservations. We all had no idea what to do or say and just tried our best with the old, "We’re happy you’re happy!" It’s probably a more extreme example because there were several of us worried for fairly serious reasons, and ultimately she broke off the engagement on her own.
But as a friend who cares and wants to be honest, it can be extremely difficult to change yoru mind – especially if your friend is as stubborn as myself & other girlfriends, haha. I think it’s just a protective instinct on her part, she loves you and she’ll come around – it might just take a little more time for her to get convinced 🙂 Good luck!!
Post # 5
I can see that and agree that she is being overprotective.
The issues I’ve talked to her about w/ my partner are rather normal ones, almost all communication issues that we’ve been working on. It isn’t anything that has ever felt like a deal breaker to me at all. But she feels like for a long time I hadn’t "decided" to really be with him and that it was a relief for her when I finally did.
So what do I do in the meantime? Just hang out while knowing that my roommate thinks my upcoming marriage is doomed? Sounds lame to me!
Post # 6
Give her some time and some space to work through this. For much of my life I was the lonely single chick who had to contantly be happy as everyone around her got engaged while I was still alone. Perhaps that is how your friend is feeling. She may be afraid to lose you to your new husband.
At least she was honest with you. Hopefully she will come around.
In the meantime, don’t press the issue- don’t ask her if she’s coming or make a decision on asking her to be a bridesmaid. If she comes around, great! She can support you on the big day. If she doesn’t, it’s her loss.
Sorry your happy engagement time is being tinged with sadness.
Post # 7
As your really good and roommate for 3 years she may need an adjustment period, particularly if the engagement was a bit of a suprise to her. She may feel alone or like she is going to "lose" you. This happens to some when a major life change is going to occur. Give her some time to adjust and be comfortable with your new life.
She will come around in her own time…Until then remain supportive of her and the things she has going on her life to remind her that you genuinely still care about her.
Post # 8
Just from reading your post, it strikes me that you are extremely self aware, and that you handle emotional issues well. With your maturity, I would honestly suggest saying much of what you said to us to her. Just start with a statement about how you value her, you value her opinion, and you know she has been there through the good and bad, so working on this relationship through this transition is a priority.
One conversation probably won’t do it, so really commit to your friendship. Discomfort will be tough, but just think how great it will be to still have her in your life in a positive way as you launch into the next big chapter in your life.
Post # 9
Thanks- I do feel very committed to the friendship and it seems like I need to be patient.
Thanks for all the advice. This is really helpful to me!
Post # 10
Congratulations and welcome to the Hive! Great to have another Seattleite here 🙂
I echo that it sounds like you had a very mature and productive conversation. I’ve also been "the roommate" many times, and it’s not an easy place to be! There are feelings of abandonment, unworthiness that often that comes out as criticism of the engaged person. (Though not intended that way…)
The best thing to do is to give her as much time and space as she needs, continue loving her, and not talk about engagement or wedding stuff around her for a while. I bet she’ll come around, and your friendship will be stronger for it– in no small part because you have such solid communication!
Post # 11
Yeah, I’d agree with the protective label. You mentioned that she was there for you when your last engagement broke off. She probably remembers that hurt just as vividly as you do, and if you’ve talked to her about your issues with your Fiance, she’s probably really scared of the same thing happening again. I mean, your fears are tempered by your immediate happiness, but with her being a little further from the situation, she’s probably just scared for you. I’d give her time to adjust, and maybe hang out with her and your Fiance so she can see that you two really do work well together.
Post # 12
Hmm, wow, your situation sounds really familiar to mine. I know exactly how you feel. Thanks for the post–I gained a lot of insight.
I would say wait a while and see how you feel about making her a Bridesmaid or Best Man or Maid/Matron of Honor. Hopefully, she can fully accept your decision to be with your FH. Has she actually confronted you about why she doesn’t approve of your FI? Maybe try gently reassuring that you know what you’re doing and you’re sticking by your decision.
Try hanging out with her, maybe avoid talking about the wedding for a while and see how that goes.
If you want to see the replies I got for my situation…go here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/leaning-towards-having-no-mohis-that-a-bad-idea
Best of luck to you – I hope you regain the moral and emotion support that you need.