My friend keeps bringing up why she doesn't want kids

posted 11 months ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1477 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2019 - City, State

I usually just throw stuff like that back onto the person.  Something like, “Yeah, you seem really anxious about that.  You talk about it constantly.”  Said in a polite way, that’s usually enough to get people to realize their habit.

Post # 20
Member
763 posts
Busy bee

shrimpyy :  exactly, maybe in the first instance it’s worth a bit more of a prob to see if she is maybe subconsciously, or consciously, trying to get something off her chest or talk about it.

just by way of example, a non-committal ex of mine who didn’t want marriage and kids ended up having me believing / questioning whether I did too (because I didn’t want to end it despite the fact we were no where near on same book let alone page..)

im quite sure in conversation with friends I alluded to this because I wanted to talk about it – basically for them to tease it out of me because I am not a “talker”..

could well be your friend keeps mentioning things like this for similar reasons.

Obviously I’ve no idea whether this is the case with your friend or not – but worth a try to begin with.

if it turns out in the end she’s just being belligerent and annoying then just tell her to yap up and keep her opinions to herself! 

Post # 21
Member
9730 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

I think either she’s trying to convince herself OR she might be leaning towards not having kids and wants to convince you to not to as well so as not to “lose” her friend in the future.

Post # 22
Member
394 posts
Helper bee

I wonder if she feels that you are one of the only people that she can talk to about not wanting children? I also don’t want kids, but I very rarely talk about it outside of my own home (either to my partner or mother). Many of my friends either want or have children, and so I am very careful about not giving offense to people with how I feel. It’s just a thought, though… I could be way off the mark here!!

 

Post # 23
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

Hmm, have you tried just telling her upfront that you don’t want to discuss it? Isn’t that what adults normally do?

Post # 24
Member
2555 posts
Sugar bee

Just like people who have kids can be insufferable, people who don’t want them can be the same way.  

 

Post # 25
Member
1891 posts
Buzzing bee

shrimpyy :  id just change the subject, or if you are close enough with her just tell her you talk about it too often. 

In my experience most people don’t actively bring up and talk about, or rail against topics that simply are things they have no interest in doing. For example, I hate ham but i don’t go around telling everyone how much I hate ham, bringing it up every time people eat lunch. I don’t complain when ham is served. I simply don’t eat it or chose it among the foods I eat. 

If she doesn’t want kids that is 100% fine. But she also doesn’t need to constantly bring it up and argue her case about why to everyone who she meets. That is just odd. I would say the only explanations for it are, she is using you as a sounding board to talk about how she feels. She for some reason feels defensive about how she thinks on this subject and for some reason feels she needs to keep bringing it up and let people know why she doesn’t want kids. 

Either way it is her issue she is going through. A simple, hey we have talked this through a few times. I understand 100% what you mean. Then change the subject. 

Post # 26
Member
413 posts
Helper bee

Maybe she assumes you don’t want kids either, so she feels safe discussing it with you because she thinks you’re on the same page. You’re in your 30’s and don’t have kids, and you acknowledge that being a parent might not be all sunshine and roses, so she may have gotten the impression that you’ve already made up your mind that you don’t want kids.

I think you should just be straight with her. You can say something like, “I’m actually still on the fence about having kids, so I don’t think it’s all negative.” If you don’t say anything and you just start distancing yourself from her, I guarantee she will have no idea what she did wrong. I’m sure she doesn’t mean to upset you, so just be honest with her.

Post # 27
Member
1281 posts
Bumble bee

sounds like she is struggling with the topic. She is in her late 30’s so she needs to make a decision NOW. I’m guessing she is on the fence and needs to come in terms with whcichever decision she makes. To me it sounds like she is leaning towards not having kids (maybe because of herself or the boyfriend), but is not 100% comfortable so she is trying to convince herself that she is making the right call. She propably can’t talk with her friends with kids about this.

Obviously this is all speculation. But this is the first thing that comes to my mind. But you should either change the subject or tell her “i don’t want to talk about this now”.

Post # 28
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I have a friend like this too. We’ve both crap-talked so much over the years that I don’t know how to be any other way with her. She has an attitude about love and even though we are very close I rarely talk about my relationship. Telling her when I got engaged was almost awkward, like I was betraying her. I know me having kids one day will feel like an affront to her as well.

Post # 29
Member
2635 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

shrimpyy :  sounds like she is feeling pressure from somewhere to have kids but doesn’t want to and sees a kindred soul in you and is just looking for someone to say “yeah, I agree with you”, she just wants valudation, I don’t think she’s trying to be intentionally negative or to stress you out

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